Geez - i'm so sorry dawn you're having to deal with this junk. it is a tough one- for want of personal knowledge- i'm thinking maybe tsquare is right. what else would it be or could it be?
the bit about deciding if he's making right decision for next 20 years... and wanting to keep all options open.
my h is all about options- no guts and wants "it all". i feel a bit hopeless saying that out loud- he knows he can "scare me" back when threatening the very roof over my head- so far I shut up- it's no guarantee and of course i feel like a worm- but then if i could just decide one way or other and get job and say goodbye- i wouldn't be such a jerk.
good for you and your "stand & guts". it takes courage to face it head on- maybe your h is gets your message that you're no pushover and it's scaring him. (then he panics & gets icky guy?) trapped rat sort of and scared for himself & his happiness?
honestly- the two-guys in one thing is creepy and if the tough guy digs in his heels - short of calilng the cops (and i don't know if you can even have them lug him away because he's owner too - rite?) so has right to be there if wants to be?
i get sometimes a modified (watered down) version of that- so far i avoid talking about r - and thus don't "call out" bad guy. i suspect he's still in there tho-
i don't know what next. my prayers are with ya- i got nothin - i'm here if you feel like blowing off steam- good luck - .
he is testing the crap out of you to see IF you will fight, that he matters enough to you that you will fight to keep him
I really appreciate your posts on this, I am so close to the sitch and between my anger and grief, I can't think straight. Your so right he's testing will I fight for "him'' as well as do I have enough fight to get rid of him.
He doesn't know which way to go and he has said that very clearly to me. I asked him point blank yesterday and he said he wants me, but he can't let go his connection with ea.
he wants to be as sure as possible that he makes the right choice, since we ain't getting younger ya know...his testing is trying (in a weird way) to assure him that the "home-body man" will be the right choice 20 years from now.
Exactly, he has said this to me. "I refuse to stay w/you and get old" "I will not be a grandfather, retire, or wear old man clothes" "I will wear my spikes, run around, keep my hair long, and jump into the lake"!
What I don't get is why do I (family) represent ''old man'' life, we have 4 adult kids, what's a better way to stay young? We are all active, it is H who has rarely gotten off the cough, and only wears his spikes for work maybe 4x a yr.
He has inflated being home as a prison stifling a life he never really went after anyways. It's all a fantasy, and fear of getting old. As weird as this sounds it's almost as if he is not near a cough, tv, or bed he might be able to fight his lazy life style. It's not working.
maybe your h is gets your message that you're no pushover and it's scaring him. (then he panics & gets icky guy?) trapped rat sort of and scared for himself & his happiness?
That's funny you say this he calls it a hole he's trapped in when home, because it's too small, the trap is in his mind, he's trapped in his own head.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
you talking about your h's talk about being "trapped". i think this is what mwd says rite out at beginning of mlc chapter - that they panic and think everything in the world that is wrong with their life (them) - is represented by us &home - that they think (in their demented state (my words- her sentiment) IS that getting rid of us will be the end of all their troubles.
sounds like he's following the recipe to a "t". what the heCk one does bout i and not being able to Stand it anymore- is your call. ( i'm thinking).
you're having a ton of stamina and guts - we're out here rooting for YOU -
i AGREE WITH you that you and family are his ability and link to youth and ability to live it allllover again and again with them and their kids. men don't seem to "GET" THAT. at least not mine- maybe not yours. i think being around kids keeps me young -
MY h sees ME as obstacle to his being happy- young' "himself" and that he's "lost himself" in the relationship. he says (that i think) the "relationship is more important than the people". he's nuts of course- relationship is merely a word to describe our - well, relationship. what the hell else could one call it-
that he decided to get involved with someone else and enjoy that particular "excitement" has nothing to do with me. his age-smoking-retirement-sick father- etc. is allll his junk he's trying to pin on me. how i "fight" that- don't know- don't think i can.
i guess this is the part where we have to let them TAKE THE JOURNEY ON THEIR OWN. AND TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES BEST WE CAN.
don't have a stinking idea what it all means- i think my h thinks like yours- he doesn't want to "be with me and be old" (my words- i think it's how he feels too) - somehow we've come to represent stability & (i'm guessing) boredom and end of adventure.???????
what else i don't know.
man brain- uhg - me no understand. me go crazy- me want fun & excitement too. girl want life, girl want fun, girl want sex - girl want to tie man to stake and let ants run allover til tickle to death.
my h is mad at everything in the world i think, do or say (if put upon to explain). he can't even articulate- finds dopey things like once I cut my hair (sister died- kill me, i went a bit over that edge - it is my stinkin head!!! ) - i mean, really really un-thought-out wacky and small things. an icky bandaid on my finger - ? no kidding- he can't even say what it is , he doesn't even know- he pulls stuff out of his A_s. just mad and i'm the only one here- ta da, i get it. you too.
WE'RE THE ONLY ONES WHO HAVE BEEN IN THEIR LIFE FOR SOO LONG- IT'S GOT TO BE OUR FAULT OR ELSE - DA DA DUMMMMMMMM- IT MIGHT BE THEIR FAULT. OH NO - CAN'T BE THAT - THEY'RE JUST NICE GUYS IN A BAD PLACE - (CLEARLY OTHER GUY'S FAULT) i mean, rite- ????? goonballs that they are...
mwd said that too- they're mad- they lash out - and you're the guy within lashing distance. you get it.
i don't know- i don't know - i don't know- they are aliens - you told me that- we're not supposed to listen to one thing they say- not supposed to "take to heart" one thing they do-
they THINK they are trapped rats - rats of their own creation. traps of their own creation- well, i don't see either of them gnawing their legs off to get out of this "trap> . they lie and lie and lie and keep us around- wtf
okay- i'm outta here- will check back later.
it's cold and blowie and lonlie and even a snow flake or two- i'm playin christmas music- making some cookie dough and then will call and se if i can dig up my walkin buddy. i'm keepin busy- do something christmasy with kids- cookies- goofy ornaments- shove him to the bakc of your mind and existence.
smils and act as if- and then do it- have a nice evening. maybe take kid or daughter and go drive around and look at people's house decorations? something- get the heck out of the house and out of his poisonous little circle.
run - run like the wind. good luck- xxoo ((((( ))))))
what mwd says rite out at beginning of mlc chapter - that they panic and think everything in the world that is wrong with their life (them) - guess this is the part where we have to let them TAKE THE JOURNEY ON THEIR OWN. AND TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES BEST WE CAN.
I havent even read any more of what you posted and I am already thinking l love you for say all of this, and reminding me as I didn't get that tattoo yet. I am soo angry and in pain, I am blinded right now!
they THINK they are trapped rats - rats of their own creation. traps of their own creation- well, i don't see either of them gnawing their legs off to get out of this "trap> . they lie and lie and lie and keep us around- wtf
My s21 ( who hates H) said that this morning, everything H is going through is self inflicted therefor he will have to make a 180 before S will be his S again.
i'm keepin busy- do something christmasy with kids- cookies- goofy ornaments- shove him to the bakc of your mind and existence.
I'm getting my recipes together for my grandma's poppy seed cake, and my biscotti reciipe, it's helping! I may order some sushi, more like maki, and enjoy some lights around the hood later when D gets back.
I am trying so hard to put him away, in plastic wrap with no holes, wait I digress, out of my mind, yea! He followed me into the kitchen asking me what do I know about the end of the world, God, and everything the history channel is filling him with. I made nachos as he ranted to himself!
He's sick, scared, depressed, but mostly sick! He said he hears himself crazy, but likes it, ok!
Your post was perfect timing, just after the nachos, the rant and in time for some mocha coffee! Thanks for your time and kind words I really need to be realed in from my own anxiety.
I don't think your H is sick, lost and running with flipped thoughts in his head, yes. But, I seem to be dealing with another level of true mental illness here, so I do have to tread lightly and smart. The best and maybe only thing for H is to get in some real health troubles so's to take advantage of a hospital stay and send in a phyc.
I love Christmas music but right now I think he may combust. you enjoy your night and you baking, hope you get your walk in, too cold here!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
hope you survived the night. glad to oblige- i can't tell you how many times you've "reeled me in" from some stupid brink.
it's hard as hell - isn't it- remaining calm in the face of this crap we're having shoved down our throats. mwd also says no matter how long it takes- it will seem a lot longer. BOY HAS SHE EVER GOT THAT ONE RITE.
and how crazy and put out we're going to feel when we're suffering and doing "all the work" in response to their insanity- it's SOOOO UNFAIR. THEN, unfortunately - it is what it is. i used to hate it when "the kids" (adults now) use that for a response- but it seems to fit.
it does Su_k (this place keeps blipping out my lousy language) hey- wait- i'll try and use it to keep myself in line. one of the things i'm trying to change-my icky language.
(i'm blaming it on 25 years in law offices around lawyers - sorry, so many are real bottom feeders. it's such a highly charged - deadline oriented existence. (SAYING BAD BAD words can feel sooooo satisfying in the face of total unreasonableness) yikes- )(i guess if i could keep it wrapped tightly enough to deal with them every single day (and - gulp - doctors) what a bunch of ego-centric nutballs honestly) i can do anything. (my new matra?)
anyway- i digress. you sound just like me sometimes.
your h surely does have a totally more huge & exaggerated level of mental situations going on - my h just , well, in a milder version by far - is doing the same stuff - okay- get ready:
they are what they are..... god, that's unfulfilling and meaningless isn't it????/' is this what it means "letting them take their journey alone because they need to do it alone?" I keep thinking of the aaa spiel- and that "hitting bottom" is absolutely crucial to their own wanting to change something - unfortunately it sometimes means just plain ole dying from their "disease". cripes!!! some "cure huh?
sure does not address the intense & insane and voluminous FALLOUT ALL OF US are enduring- trying to make sense of (wrong- we're supposed to stash it in back of mind and exist OUTSIDE IT) (kind of hard when you've got 180 or so lb of hostile man around - huh?)
she does say also tho- mwd - that "this will be the hardest thing you've ever done". she sure has that right- i have to say i have a new level of respect for my tolerance for - what? pain? insanity? childishness? my own grief and inability to function - (as in rise above that - mere "end of the world-id-ness?) it's amazing isn't it that we've come this far. we surely are "man-ie girls) i think we exceed men by far in pain tolerance - insanity tolerance - etc.
don't mistake this for me actually knowing "where we are" or "how far we've come - with regard to "how far we have to go". (yet) (if we choose to do so)
therein the snag huh? - oh well. we've said it to each other many many times. when the end comes - we'll know it. lets hope huh?
SOMEHOW THIS business of Christmas and new year- feels like it should be "SOMETHING". I KEEP thinking something will change or happen- realistically- (i GO TO AIRPORT IN TEN MINUTES) i don't think anything will. that's sad- i can do it one more time - i'm telling myself.
you can do it one more time too - get thru a holiday- get thru a day- get thru an evening- ta da!!! now flex your biceps - do a stupid pose with your leg muscles flexed and your arm bent in front of you- joe atlas style...
my expectations are low- but i get that kind of little "dread" in my stomach- you know, facing reality dread. i hate to feel this in person- it's easier (and harder) when he's not here.
OKAY DEARIE - onward and upward. i find it harder to check in here with him around- i don't want him looking over my shoulder. he wouldn't have one thing to say- OF COURSE- WHAT THE HELL ELSE? but anyway- it's my place. nothing to do with him (yet allllll about him huyh?) sad women- sad sad women.
we're girls - we want to be happy- we're growing huge bal_s- sorry- it's icky but we are - one way or the other.
Sunday eve I find myself alone, aside from the occasional kids sitting still for a minute, but alone with my tree, family channel Christmas movies, cookies in the oven.
My h is in our room having stayed up all night, eating like a 18yr old with the munchies, he just now finished sleeping all day. This is not the life I want, or the man I want to spend it with.
Last night h told me some crazy things saying I don't know what it is he's trying to do to keep this family safe from "what's to come in this world". I was in my bed as he spewed on about the drug epidemic, I left for the kitchen just as a flood of 20-something yr olds walked in, thank God they still live here.
I got caught up in my 3 S's fashion show, (everything looked the same to me, how many different ways can you wear black) but they sure are handsome. H is not, he smelled like an old man with his gray hair standing straight up, I told him he needed a bath.
This is not what I want at the prime of my life. I'm still youngish, pretty, fun, loving, loyal and smart. This is such a waist of my life, H is putting not effort to improve, he is getting stronger in his conviction to stay like this. He even stated he's afraid he may get worse. Run, run as fast as I can!
Me, I gotta get that me factor working, it's slowly coming, not fast enough. I miss going to the gym, I am going to push myself to go tom. wish me luck. Nothing like a little sweat just before a pig out.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Almost 3 hours later H is back asleep still in our room. I saw in his face and actions, as he only came out once, that he is very deep into a depression. He hasn't eaten, bathed, or talked to anyone in over 24 hrs.
Do I go in my room, sleep next to him? I don't want to make him feel like I am invading him. Sometimes he gets up when I do go in and then angrily walks around. I don't want to tip toe around him but it seems easier to just let the sleeping bears lie.
THis is were I feel I need to be the better, knowing person and give him his space. My S21 says kick is a$$ out, but I feel it's a battle not worth fighting. I will sleep elsewhere in the house, and rise above any reason to create issues.
It's not like I have to go sleep in the garage now! Any other suggestions how this would be handled?
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Wow, sound like a kick arse bad dream!! Hang in there.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Journaling: The night was without issue, I did hear h wake up at 3a, look for me and say to himself ''ohhh your in here". He has said in the past to never not sleep in my own bed because of him.
He went to the kitchen and started to clean up some cookie mess I put aside for the morning to clean. Once I woke up he finished in the kitchen cleaning it from top to bottom.
He still has yet to talk to any of us, and has retreated back to out room. The hustle of all of us cooking breakfast and talking about this eve is buzzing into my room as he lay watching the history channel.
I can't get over how he can just check out, I fully understand it's not "him" but there has to be a point were he breaks down, asks for help, can't take it anymore. Even my bipolar uncle was like, I would have broke down by now, and ended up in a hospital.
Oh well, plenty to do, it's a challenge, but I am trying not to let it be hurtful, just imagine what he is really going through inside, it's more than I want to know!
Peace, love, and hope.....DM
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
So h finally got out of bed, after the kids and I ate dinner, and he snuck out the front door. He's just gone. He didn't speak to us for 2 days straight and left to go talk and be with anybody else but us.
He walked right past my D sleeping on the cough, she is disgusted by him and wrote him a text saying he doesn't act like any man she knows. She told him she knows he went to try to party with ow, calling her every name in the book, and saying that he is not fooling anyone.
My S12 said, good! The other 2 are just to surprised by his actions and don't know what to say.
So first yr without dad is what the morning will bring.
He is sealing his fate...there are things people do that can't be repaired. Heart that can't be mended!
I'm considering locking the outside screen door, h doesn't have a key! Why should he get to come cause more pain for us, especially D18?
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
