My wife wants to separate

[SM34]

GH31, I have ready most of your posts and those of David and Jack_three_beans and while they are full if tips and pointers, I cannot help but feel all 3 stories are similar in one way and different to mine. In all 3 sitch's it seems your wives had expressed willingness to work on M from quite early on. My wife is very strong willed and is not the indecisive type. I am no were near done fighting, but my sitch ultimately needs the reality stick to hit my W hard. She is in a fantasy that cannot work out, but her lack of life experience is blinding her. I have things I need to improve of.course but I feel strongly that I in order for her to.come around she is going to need a big dose of reality. Any thoughts or opinions on this contrast of.sitch?

[GH31]

GH31, I have ready most of your posts and those of David and Jack_three_beans and while they are full if tips and pointers, I cannot help but feel all 3 stories are similar in one way and different to mine.

There's another "rule" you'll discover soon enough in addition to Rule #1 All Cheaters Lie.

That's Rule #2 which is Almost Every Betrayed Husband Thinks His Situation is Unique.

Here's an exercise in deductive logic for you:

50% of first marriages end in divorce.

70% of all divorces are initiated by women.

Conclusion: 35% of all males who tie the knot in the English speaking world will be left by their wives.

That is millions of men SM34.

Believe me there is nothing unique about your situation, or mine, David's, Nathan's, Denver's, Jack's, Deep's, Starsky's etc.

In all 3 sitch's it seems your wives had expressed willingness to work on M from quite early on.

When was your bomb, SM34?

My wife is very strong willed and is not the indecisive type.

I said this to you on an earlier post and will say it again. You do not know your wife anymore.. She ceased to exist when her adultery started and won't "be herself" again until/unless that stops.

BTW, I heard the exact same thing from my wife regarding indecision. "I'm not normally like this GH31..."

I am no were near done fighting, but my sitch ultimately needs the reality stick to hit my W hard.

Yes. You can't do the Reality Stick's work but you can get in its way.

Let the Stick do its flogging.

She is in a fantasy that cannot work out, but her lack of life experience is blinding her. I have things I need to improve of.course but I feel strongly that I in order for her to.come around she is going to need a big dose of reality. Any thoughts or opinions on this contrast of.sitch?

All of the above.

Let the Reality Stick get to work and you get to work on correcting all your thoughts, beliefs, attitudes and world view which led to commit your own marital crimes over the last several years.

Hang in there SM34.

GH31

[SM34]

GH31 you are the man! PLEASE stop by and talk to me as often as you can. It is nice to hear these things from people who have been in this situation before.

So you don't think my situation is different? It sure feels different! However, when my wife first dropped the bomb, this was the exact convo:

Wife: hey we have to talk, there is someone else

Me: WHAT??? REALLY??

Wife: Yes. I am sorry, I don't know why I am having these feelings. I feel like I want to ask you for 6 months off from our marriage so I can figure out if this marriage is what I want, or the OM.

ME: And for 6 months you will "date" this guy and then what about our marriage? What about our daughter?

Wife: I don't know. I am so confused. He makes me feel incredible.


EXACT WORDS. I can still hear them in my head loud and clear. he makes me feel incredible! I need to figure out how to make her feel incredible. I'm going to buy the books you recommended tomorrow. I think I will start with the "Attraction isn't a choice" because that sounds like it will give the secret of attraction, which is what I need QUICKLY.

By the way, my W was "on the fence" about the whole EA until she had an intervention with her best girl friends who have only known her a few years and dont know me at all. She came home from that meeting and brought on the D and all that BS. She hadnt even been talking to this guy but just 2 weeks! As Michele says in DR, The Biased Shoulder! It is so powerful to someone who is looking for approval or validation of their sitch.

[SM34]

OK I have finished reading the 5LL. Here is my conclusion:

My primary love language is "Words of Affirmation". At some point in our relationship, my wife began to not tell me how smart I am. She used to call me a genius when we met! My parents even commented when they met her about how she had told them your son is a genius, he is so smart. During the difficult times of my business, my wife began to cut back on those words, and even sometimes give some negative ones. She is not rude, but through offering her advise on what I was doing wrong, she was making me feel less loved.

My wife's primary love language is "Physical Touch". She always wanted to hold my hand or hug, or kiss in public. I did not grow up around parents who engaged in public displays of affection and so I always felt awkward. Also, after working a long day when i came home I never really made an effort to give my wife a nice big hug or sit next to her and hold her hand.

So both of us have a low love tank. But more importantly at this point, is how I can show my wife love, in her love language when I cannot touch her? What a predicament! Had her love language been words of affirmation, or act of service, it would be much easier at this point. I AM SCREWED!! PLEASE HELP!!

[SM34]

I guess I need to look at my wife's secondary love language? I think that would be "Words of Affirmation" too. She has a self esteem issue stemming from gaining weight after our baby, and I don't tell her she looks great often enough or with enough passion. But that was the reason she told me she was leaving, and the reason OM was better than me. His words make her feel incredible. So if I start now, only 3 weeks since bomb, isn't that entirely too obvious? I read somewhere not to try to impress her yet, because she is not ready to be impressed by you so early in the journey. Can we expand on these ideas? GH31 to the rescue!!

[GH31]

So you don't think my situation is different?

No.

It sure feels different!

They all feel "different", SM34. But as I mentioned before, it happens in the lives of 35% of men who get married. There is unfortunately nothing unique or different about any of our situations.

However, when my wife first dropped the bomb, this was the exact convo:

Wife: hey we have to talk, there is someone else

Me: WHAT??? REALLY??

Wife: Yes. I am sorry, I don't know why I am having these feelings. I feel like I want to ask you for 6 months off from our marriage so I can figure out if this marriage is what I want, or the OM.

I heard the exact same thing. So have many other posters before you and I. Almost word for word.

All part of the predictable script that affairs follow.

Again, there's nothing unique or different about any of our situations.

ME: And for 6 months you will "date" this guy and then what about our marriage? What about our daughter?

Wife: I don't know. I am so confused. He makes me feel incredible.

Script.

Heard the exact same thing. The exact words.

I need to figure out how to make her feel incredible.

You probably know how to do it, SM34. You did it before when you and your wife first fell in love. It can be done.

I'm going to buy the books you recommended tomorrow. I think I will start with the "Attraction isn't a choice" because that sounds like it will give the secret of attraction, which is what I need QUICKLY.

Good.

Both books are very important THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage and Attraction Isn't a Choice. The latter book and the one you mention is more geared for dating and meeting women but it goes so deep into what actually makes a woman feel attraction for a man that it is an absolute must. If you apply what is in that book to the letter your life with women will never be the same again.

THE Man's Guide is also of paramount importance. Its author actually used David D’Angelo’s and other writers’ material to rescue his own marriage from the edge of the abyss. David Cunningham deals here with attraction in great depth but also with male/female communication styles. Both of these books are priceless.

There is also a chapter in there about “how to create attraction quickly” if your marriage is on the rocks. So get it, read it, and apply it.

By the way, my W was "on the fence" about the whole EA until she had an intervention with her best girl friends who have only known her a few years and dont know me at all.

Your wife is still on the fence. She said she’s confused.

Mine did also.

Another thing, Rule #3 if you like. Affairs very often have their “hangers on” – “friends” on the scene which were unknown before but are now part of the landscape and which make up the whole “situation”.

She came home from that meeting and brought on the D and all that BS. She hadnt even been talking to this guy but just 2 weeks! As Michele says in DR, The Biased Shoulder! It is so powerful to someone who is looking for approval or validation of their sitch.

No surprises there.

By the way, you cannot give your wife self esteem any more than you can make an unwilling crack addict stop using. You can love her, support her, build her up, compliment (and in a healthy marriage you normally would) her but you cannot make her love herself.

There will be more waffling, vacillation, fence-sitting, “confusion” etc. whatever you want to call it. Most likely, and again, all as per the script.

Keep up doing what works when your wife is at home and post here as often as you can.

Your journey is just beginning.

GH31

[SM34]

What are your thoughts on xmas gifts? I know W bought me something but do I get her something? She was always big on having lots of gifts for her to.open.

To has said don't get me anything. Is that a trap?

[SM34]

I mean she said don't get me anything. Is that a trap? Is it guilt? I know OM got her something for sure. Also I bet he got something for our daughter. What do u do when that comes up?

[GH31]

I mean she said don't get me anything. Is that a trap?

Possibly.

Is it guilt?

Possibly.

I know OM got her something for sure.

Possibly. So what?

Also I bet he got something for our daughter. What do u do when that comes up?

Man this touched a raw nerve with me.

You tell her in a firm, gentle and resolute voice "W, that gift will not be in this house. If it isn't out of here in the next half an hour I'm taking a sledge hammer to it". And then you follow through and do what you said you would do.

Some posters here would disagree with me here and that's their right.

However, I will remind you. I have never seen a single man with a cheating wife win her back by being supplicating, accommodating, meek and appeasing.

Not one.

It didn't work with Hitler in WWII and it won't work with your wife either. When you read those books I recommended to you it will all make sense. Everything is a test of what you will and will not put up with.

Get her a gift if you want to. For your reasons and not to seek her approval. Make sure it's one you know without doubt that she would love. Say "W, I wanted you to have this.". You know her far better than OM and have a huge advantage there.

[SM34]

She likes expensive bags, shoes, or gift cards to shop. I know she has wanted hot chocolate to make at home for Christmas. She likes the peppermint stuff. So, I bought Godiva Hot Chocolate powder, and a bottle of Starbucks Peppermint Syrup. I know I should be able to come up with someone better than this but honestly with everything I have been through I cannot figure out what would be perfect to get her. Perhaps because I have forgotten how my W is, dealing with this imposter for 3 weeks.

I also bought her a nice parenting book called Love and Logic that is on the list of bestsellers. That is going to be from my daughter to the W.

Any comments? I thought about jewelery, but too personal at this point. Expensive stuff they tell you not to do because its like a bribe or something. So I was going to Thoughtful. This is what she has talked about for the last few weeks! To make a cup of hot chocolate! Maybe I will even make it for her tomorrow,