An onion, dance lessons and a Harley II

[subguy]

I am having a rough day and did not want to do my 180's and goals. I cried then called a friend and now I have a place to go on Christmas Eve (I will not be alone).

So... my 180's, its kind of tough as my wife has never really said much about what bothers her. Her favorite line is "I don't know, I'm just unhappy". We never really fought much, so not much there either. I am coming up with some ideas after reading books and IC. Basically these are things I feel like I need to work on as I look back into my marriage.

180's:

1. Listening: (she has said I do not listen to her). I need to start validating feelings. By this I mean I need to shut up as I tend to dominate conversations. Ask questions such as, "how did that make you feel" or "did you mean to say..."

2. Controlling behavior: I need to not try to control other peoples behavior or feelings. Controlling through guilt, anger or manipulation (tit for tat) is a road paved to he!!. People will do what they want when they want. I cannot control anyone else's thoughts or actions. The only one I can control is me.

3. Anger: When I get upset I shut down and do not discuss the situation, unless I am mad enough to fight. I need to start walking away from the situation and getting control of my emotions. Once my emotions are under control and I can emotionally detach from the situation sit down and discuss what happened. Instead of eating it and being resentful about the hurt or slight. *see listening and validating feelings*

4. Boundaries: Boundary control with Love. Allow myself the authority to protect me by controlling my boundary. First recognizing a boundary issue is key then lovingly enforcing my boundary (not controlling anothers behavior). Allow my no to be no (and being okay with saying no) and owning my yes. If I say yes to something then that is on me, even if the other person put pressure on me to say yes.

5. Attention Start paying attention to my life. I am done with just getting up going to work coming home to mow the grass etc... and not allowing my life to be seen. I have so many things that deserve my attention and they will be gone before i start giving them my attention. I need to slow down and enjoy the ride, stop being an uptight person about everything.

6. Help Ask for help when needed. I mean when it is really needed not being a nuisance. Pride is evil and I need to stamp that out, if I need help, I need to ask for it. With help I need to recognize when someone needs my help, sometimes they will not ask, this will require attention as well.

7. Apologize I do not like to apologize very much. I think because my wife would always continue to make me feel bad after the apology. I need to apologize when appropriate. It is up to the other person to accept or not, I cannot allow them to control my emotions after the apology is given. We may talk about what happened and try to get to a point where it may not happen again (boundaries and listening). A heart felt apology is good for the soul for both parties involved.



So that is a start to my 180's, well the most important things in my mind at this time. How do I accomplish this task?!?! First off I need to recognize that I do not need to be perfect. I will fail in trying to maintain a better me. It is okay as long as I continue to try to be that better person. I will print out my 180's and probably tape them to my bathroom mirror for me to see each day and read them out loud until they become habit. I will try to remember to pray about these each night.

Criticism is encourage as I truely want to grow from this situation I find myself in.