Thanks... the hamsters are eyeing the wheel, but not on yet!!
Journal:
Was invited to a Christmas party tonight, even though am tired, an going anyway...it will do me good
Skied this morning with family. Initially H was taking 2 kids and I said how jealous I was, since I had to work later on. He said come. I said I can't I have to work.
He said, Only at 12 Me: Okay, I will do it! (We got almost a foot of powder and it was a surprise, because it had looked like a green Christmas yesterday morning lol) Me: Who am I going to ski with? H: S and I Me: (I start laughing) you guys are way faster than me, but I will take a run or two..
KIds and H leave, I get dressed to find he has loaded my skis in the car
I have one run with H, we ride up the chairlift, talk about the gifts for kids, I ask about his part of the stockings and he said he ran out of money. (Uncharitably and very un zen like, I think, well, maybe if you weren't running off two hours up north to participate in events with GF, maybe the gas money could have been spent on the kids...). I say uncharitable, because he has not yet said :I have no money, when kids need something.
But, I nodded and kept mouth shut. Remember, in helmet and goggles, so facial expressions do not give me away lol!
Very nice morning, thanked him for loading skis, said have a good Xmas eve and I can't remember what he said, but it wasn't "I will" or "i'll try" etc. I am sure he is with GF that night, Xmas eve is bigger than Xmas in her culture. Funnily enough, though, not obsessing...who knew? Maybe, possibly, a little detachment going on, but possibly because of the fact that he seemed to have a few mixed feelings on the Friday night at bar (where he kissed me goodbye and was very touchy, we have not even touched each other since BD, really, but I have been making an effort to touch his arm or hand, when I see him...very casually. I do believe physical is a LL for him.
I also think this is part and parcel of why he left early today, or maybe he thought the holidays would be hard on me and was staying out of guilt...don't know. I think he is beginning to feel a little isolated. Yet, he does have new friends etc that came with GF, and has kept a couple of solid activity friends who will not take sides (but are more sympathetic to him)
So I continue on. Have a little Christmas gift for H, an old copy of Tennyson's poems.
He will also know that I helped kids fill his stocking, because neither child is old enough to buy alcohol lol! (and I bought a specialty beer to put in-simply because D was out of ideas and had too much soap already). I don't expect anything back, it is a true gift with no expectation. I just remember an email convo where we said we were finding the parts of us we had lost for so long and I remembered when I met him, he had old poetry books.
We will see how that one goes down. May be in the "don't attempt that ever again" column.
Wow, I think the bar scene gave me hope, but also gave me the ability to continue this path which seems to be working. I know I have to remain just like this, so he doesn't see it as taking the football away, by going quiet etc. He will pick up kids christmas noon, so my mini goal is NC unless emergency or he contacts first.
So, unless something major happens, Merry Christmas everyone and I thank you all for the support. I would not be in this spot if it weren't for you all simultaneously smacking me in the head, making me question my motives and supporting me while I do it! (())
