Definitely see the switch in you. Interesting how it happens in a blink of an eye. One minute you're crying and moaning, the next, you can't believe you were crying and moaning a minute ago. Keep it up! I'm living a bit vicariously through you, since my H is so far gone and yours still has feelings for you, obviously.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
So Ruby, do you think you made that remark from your emotional brain? If so, I you don't want to repeat that, what can you do about it.
I had this problem a lot (still do at times), things, stupid things would seemingly jump out of my mouth and I would cringe. And I would tell myself "I had no control" because I was lazy.
But I knew it was something I had to fix so I worked on it, and I'm getting there.
Learning to control that will open up a whole new world.
"Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." Pema
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
So Ruby, do you think you made that remark from your emotional brain? If so, I you don't want to repeat that, what can you do about it.
I had this problem a lot (still do at times), things, stupid things would seemingly jump out of my mouth and I would cringe. And I would tell myself "I had no control" because I was lazy.
But I knew it was something I had to fix so I worked on it, and I'm getting there.
Learning to control that will open up a whole new world.
"Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." Pema
Which cringe worthy remark Bug??? LOL, there are oh, so many...
If it was about GF to employees, yes and no. I really assumed, but also maybe I wanted to be all"hey, it's good, you guys don't have to pretend..." Am definitely weighing my words a little more these days; I am quick and sarcastic by nature and I can easily hurt people with what I say. I am no longer using words as weapons, but I tell you, stuff sometimes flies out before the chance to say WTH??
Thanks... the hamsters are eyeing the wheel, but not on yet!!
Journal:
Was invited to a Christmas party tonight, even though am tired, an going anyway...it will do me good
Skied this morning with family. Initially H was taking 2 kids and I said how jealous I was, since I had to work later on. He said come. I said I can't I have to work.
He said, Only at 12 Me: Okay, I will do it! (We got almost a foot of powder and it was a surprise, because it had looked like a green Christmas yesterday morning lol) Me: Who am I going to ski with? H: S and I Me: (I start laughing) you guys are way faster than me, but I will take a run or two..
KIds and H leave, I get dressed to find he has loaded my skis in the car
I have one run with H, we ride up the chairlift, talk about the gifts for kids, I ask about his part of the stockings and he said he ran out of money. (Uncharitably and very un zen like, I think, well, maybe if you weren't running off two hours up north to participate in events with GF, maybe the gas money could have been spent on the kids...). I say uncharitable, because he has not yet said :I have no money, when kids need something.
But, I nodded and kept mouth shut. Remember, in helmet and goggles, so facial expressions do not give me away lol!
Very nice morning, thanked him for loading skis, said have a good Xmas eve and I can't remember what he said, but it wasn't "I will" or "i'll try" etc. I am sure he is with GF that night, Xmas eve is bigger than Xmas in her culture. Funnily enough, though, not obsessing...who knew? Maybe, possibly, a little detachment going on, but possibly because of the fact that he seemed to have a few mixed feelings on the Friday night at bar (where he kissed me goodbye and was very touchy, we have not even touched each other since BD, really, but I have been making an effort to touch his arm or hand, when I see him...very casually. I do believe physical is a LL for him.
I also think this is part and parcel of why he left early today, or maybe he thought the holidays would be hard on me and was staying out of guilt...don't know. I think he is beginning to feel a little isolated. Yet, he does have new friends etc that came with GF, and has kept a couple of solid activity friends who will not take sides (but are more sympathetic to him)
So I continue on. Have a little Christmas gift for H, an old copy of Tennyson's poems.
He will also know that I helped kids fill his stocking, because neither child is old enough to buy alcohol lol! (and I bought a specialty beer to put in-simply because D was out of ideas and had too much soap already). I don't expect anything back, it is a true gift with no expectation. I just remember an email convo where we said we were finding the parts of us we had lost for so long and I remembered when I met him, he had old poetry books.
We will see how that one goes down. May be in the "don't attempt that ever again" column.
Wow, I think the bar scene gave me hope, but also gave me the ability to continue this path which seems to be working. I know I have to remain just like this, so he doesn't see it as taking the football away, by going quiet etc. He will pick up kids christmas noon, so my mini goal is NC unless emergency or he contacts first.
So, unless something major happens, Merry Christmas everyone and I thank you all for the support. I would not be in this spot if it weren't for you all simultaneously smacking me in the head, making me question my motives and supporting me while I do it! (())
We are walking on eggshells. I just realized this, to survive the holidays. HIm for me, I think, because he has a someone and knows I don't.
That's nice, a little sad and pathetic, but nice lol! I have a feeling things will get interesting again come January...so I have a couple of weeks to DB myself into a state where hopefully I wll remain on an even keel
Good party last night, had fun. Got invited Boxing Day to a sleigh ride, so we are going...haven't contacted H, will see him tomorrow.
