Honestly, that sounds like you were both playing a little chicken there....not productive on either of your parts, but I think you've got to take the higher road here. I don't mean bend to his will, but honestly, that's pretty small stuff to get in an argument about. You guys aren't working together, so if you want to participate in these type things, I'd just go with the flow. If laundry was more important, then I'd have just told him you were staying. If not, put it aside til later.
With regards to R talk, I'd simply refuse to have those discussions until after the holiday, and even then, I'd refuse unless he was calm. His emotions are all over the place...he's confused and scared. He's lashing out to get a reaction, to put himself in control, and protect himself all at the same time. You aren't being pushed around or controlled nearly as easily, so he pushes harder. In the back of his mind he is screaming "WTH is going on!"
This is tough stuff and you've got to use whatever you need to get there. Take a walk, remind yourself your kids are watching/listening, come vent on these boards, etc.
