I don't think you can force yourself to trust. Let go of that but when those doubting thoughts creep in remind yourself that you don't know what she's doing but it could very well be what she told you, working.
Only you can control your mind and where it goes.
I disagree with the first piece a little. Trust is a choice and you either choose to trust them or you don't. You may have a history and valid reasons to distrust, but that doesn't preclude you from choosing different right now. It's difficult, especially when your M isn't doing well, and there's a lot of negative history, but you can do it.
I agree with the 2nd piece completely though, and think that's where you have to practice stopping the negative thoughts.
Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
I will say, Spartan, that my H made HUGE assumptions about what I was doing, thinking, believing all the time. He accused me of stuff that wasn't remotely true and wouldn't listen to me when I tried to explain. Yes, in my sitch, he has a reason not to trust me... that is very true. But it all started with assuming things on his end, which came out of his own insecurities about himself and our R.
True, my own "negative thoughts" were always 10x worse than reality. Complaining about everything and not being understanding eventually let my W to just lie about everything, so we got into a big circle of me questioning, her lying, then me questioning more, deciding it must be terrible for her to lie, then fighting more, etc etc.
Eventually you have to just decide they will do what they want, regardless of what you want and think and continue to live your life.
Merry Christmas to me... Below is e-mail my attorney sent me that he received from W's attorney. He thought it was strange when I told him we'd been getting along, were going on trip, and sleeping in same bed so he talked with her attorney. I'm guessing this is normal WAS talk but really blows to see it in writing. Makes me wonder if us becoming friends is just BS.
It was a pleasure to meet you at the EIC. I apologize for not getting back to you sooner regarding our post-conference discussion. I have had a conversation with my client regarding her intentions as to the divorce case. She is certain that she will be moving forward with the divorce. She indicated that she is being as kind/civil as she can, given the circumstances, but that kindness/civility should not be mistaken for a possibility for reconciliation. We are moving the February court date in light of their trip to Disney. Apparently they still intend to go together.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
It's hard to hear, but you didn't expect anything different at this point did you? Hell, my W and I are having the best time of our entire M and she still hasn't called off the D. I wouldn't expect yours to either since you look like you are at least 6 months behind me (maybe longer).
Focus on you...GAL, DB, etc. She'll notice, and she'll be watching for slip ups, evidence to back up her decision, etc. Over time, she'll start to believe in your changes, and then, she'll start questioning her decisions.
Hang in there...this is a long road. I would suggest you continue to do things that will delay D so that W has more time to see your changes, and more time to consider her decision.
Thanks a ton Breakdown for always replying and saying the right things. I knew it was expected but it's nice to have someone reaffirm things for me and remind me that this is a marathon. You're like my personal coach. I owe you a beer if you're ever in Michigan.
Actually I owe all you guys. Without you keeping me grounded as I navigate these changes I'd likely be in much worse shape. I still have hope which I don't think I would have w/o you guys.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Thanks a ton Breakdown for always replying and saying the right things. I knew it was expected but it's nice to have someone reaffirm things for me and remind me that this is a marathon.
No problem man...just passing it forward.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
I owe you a beer if you're ever in Michigan.
Hehe...I might take you up on that. I would love to hit up Founder's next year in Grand Rapids...love that brewery. Actually, the whole state is pretty nice
Hang in there man....enjoy your kids and family this holiday like never before. That's what it's all about.
Made it through Christmas today and had a good time with the kids and had some really good family time. We even made it outside and had a family snowball fight which was fun for everyone. Been playing with kids since 7AM so feeling a little tired.
Glad I bought a few gifts because W bought me some nice stuff (mostly labeled from kids). It was nicer then last several years presents which kind of surprised me.
I didn't show it at all and on the outside I was happy and having a great time all day but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was hurting a little on the inside. Anytime I wasn't playing with kids and started to think I would wonder if this was the last family Christmas together and would start to get down. Thankfully I caught myself quickly every time and got my head right but it's starting to surface now that kids are in bed. W said something about watching a movie together later tonight. She seems to be acting like nothing is different and it's day to day as normal. I wish I was as detached but I think I'm still a ways from reaching that point but I'm trying. Goal tonight is just watch the movie and keep my mouth shut because I can't imagine anything good coming out of it and I don't want to ruin what was a good day overall.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
One other thing about today that was kind of nice was that I finally sat back and enjoyed watching the kids open and play with gifts. I admit that I didn't always do that in past and would usually just want to get through all the gifts. It would sometimes even annoy me because I'd feel like we were spoiling them. This year I just watched their excitement and thoroughly enjoyed those moments.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Made it through yesterday but she started R talk this morning and I believe it was to create distance because we had a good day. I tried to DB as well as I could but could only take so much and I eventually told her how I felt. Here are the highlights, not sure if I did more damage but I feel finally ready to detach.
She starts convo bringing up that my lawyer sent hers a letter saying that I thought we were reconciling and she asked what was up with that. I told her I knew because I saw her lawyer's response and that my lawyer was asking because he wanted clarity because I was stalling the D process. I told her I never told my lawyer we were reconciling but didn't want to get lawyers involved until last minute possible. She said no reason to stall and it was going through which I responded to that's fine and I understood. I think that ticked her off because she then said just because I've read a bunch of books, I'm in counseling, and I've changed for a few months doesn't change the past. She kept bringing up the past and I took as much as I could but instead of walking away (which I know is what I should have done) I asked her if I'd done any of those things recently and she said no but it's how she feels and can't get past it in her head. I told her I understood what I did in past but can't change it but can only affect how I am now. I said I thought many of our issues are how we've created the other person in our own heads and our lack of communication. I brought up the upcoming Retrouvaille class and she said she's done and just doesn't care about anything anymore so it would be a waste of time and money. I said she needs to get out of past, with or without me, for her life to move on. I asked if she felt she was changing for the better and she went back to the past and blaming me. I finally said to just stop because I'm done taking all the blame for everything and reliving history for the hundredth time. I've done it forever and I'm sick of it. I told her I don't bring up her past mistakes but instead have tried to forgive them. I asked her if she's ever accepted blame for anything in our M or her life. She said that's what her CR is all about and I calmly said I was glad she's doing it and asked her if it was working and if she was feeling it. She didn't respond but her look gave me a feeling that the answer was no. I told her that it's time for her to look in the mirror and accept some responsibility and stop running from every problem in her life (ran away from home when she was young, stopped all communication with her family 4 years ago, quit 2 good jobs because of small disagreements, etc.). Said some day she needs to make a change within herself because not everything is mine, her dads, her bosses, or her friends faults and running will never solve the issue. I asked her if she would think it's fine if kids acted like this when they have problems, she didn't answer. (Little side note is that her sisters kid just up and left about 3 weeks ago with no contact with anyone in family. Just said he couldn't take the BS anymore and needed out. My kids know about this and D7 has asked about him a few different times. It's just the way her family deals with things...)
She then threatened to tell kids about D right then and I'm so sick of her doing that I said fine, you tell them right now. I called them in to the room but she backed down quickly. (Glad she did because not the way I want to tell them but I'm just so sick of her holding it over my head). I just asked kids what they wanted to do today. She said she doesn't want kids seeing a dead marriage and our D7 has asked her several times why she doesn't kiss or hold dad's hand anymore. I asked her what she says and she said she didn't answer. I told her that's another thing that she's in complete control of. She then talked about her belief that kids will be completely fine through D as long as we remain good, close friends. I didn't want to say anything but I told her that I honestly wasn't sure how realistic that is. I told her no one knows the future and I hope we can be but that because this D will hurt me, because of my feelings, and because of the pain our kids will feel because of this I just wasn't sure that being friends would be possible. I said we would for sure be good parents but not sure how much more then that. She looked surprised...
A little later I asked her what she expects of her life after D and if she's thought of the good and the bad that's coming. She said she knows things will be a lot harder but she can finally be real again so I asked what that was. She responded with I don't know, I guess how I act at work. I asked her what that was and she said just being able to not walk on eggshells. We talked a little more about it and basically what she wants is no deep conversations, no feelings, and no one to see any of the negatives. She did confirm that most of the reasons she's on eggshells is what's in her head and nothing I actually do. I said I wish I could do something but it sounds like she needs to figure that out on her own.
I'm sure there was more but can't think of it now. I'm just getting really sick of this rollercoaster and her having no plan or idea what she wants. All she knows is that it's all my fault and she wants to leave. I know she's in the WAS fog and probably believes it and I know I likely didn't do myself too many favors this morning but I'm just getting tired of it all. Surprisingly I don't regret saying what I said because I'm done feeling bad and taking all the blame. I think it's finally time for me to start going as dim as possible.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
