deal with the question if you need to know the truth.
Since you know she lies when you ask.
Why do you ask? Since you know the outcome how you two have defined it.
Since you know the truth what is the purpose of hearing the truth?
Do you need details? Or just generalization?
So instead of defining this as the major issue in your marriage why not look at the symptoms instead.
Work towards learning those. Which I can see are:
Communication. Trust. Respect. Truthful and realistic view of your spouse.
Abandonment issues... etc... are her issues. Not yours. So remove them from your table. They are not yours to work on. Nor are they yours to fix. Same with her lies. This is who she is. She lies. It is solely up to her to fix that.
This is called personal growth. Either you both capable of it. Or one of you is. Or neither.
Personal growth comes through self confidence and boundaries. Not obfuscation and Ultimatums.
When you set a boundary such as.
I have decided that I will not be a part of a conversation where one person is not being truthful. When a lie is spoken I will remove myself from the conversation.
What happens is you are in a conversation. When a lie is spoken. You state your boundary. In a calm manor. Then you pause to let the message sink in. Carry on with your communication. Then when the lie happens. You state that you will no longer be apart of the conversation because your boundary has been tested. And you end the conversation and walk away in a very calm manor.
That is not an ultimatum. It is communication about your expectations in communication. The other person has the choice to respect your boundaries and then you have the choice of respecting your personal integrity.
People will learn to respect your boundaries or you remove them from your life.
But you need to learn what a boundary is and how it is different from an Ultimatum.
If someone calls your boundary about lies an Ultimatum or controlling then they are trying to confuse you and step past your boundary.
You need to learn this. You need to learn that you do not discuss your boundaries. You state them and live by them with repeatable and consistent actions. You seem to want to please people around you. Mr. Nice guy gets you nowhere. You should go read some of the Men self help books and No more Mr. Nice guy or Hold on to your nuts. And learn the difference between anger and boundaries. Being nice and being passive aggressive.
Take this problem from that night and use it to shape you into a better man.
Take Care.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
