Living in the Gray

[labug]

I'm glad sharing my story is helpful It helps me, too.

TG, I've thought about your question and the best I can do is repeat the old saw "give them roots and wings."

When they were young they had lots of freedom; we had a certain structure to our daily lives and there were boundaries but they made many decisions. When they were young, between the ages of 6 and 12 we lived on an acre in the middle of about 20 acres of undeveloped land. They and their big, protective dog had a lot of roaming room and I think they gained a lot of skills during that time. They also had a lot of time/space to work on things that were important to them. They did outside activities but only those that they expressed a real interest in.

I was much less controlling with them during that time but as external pressures made other areas of my life out of control, I became more controlling at home and with them. (However, I did go along with S23's dressing in black phase and even bought him a pair of knee high black boots and pants with chains. I felt that the bigger deal I made of it, the bigger deal it would become for him. He got over that in about a year.)Of course, this coincided with the crazy pre-teen/teen years when it's their job to test limits.

Eventually with the help of my IC, I settled back into a let-them-go stance and it's made a great change in our Rs. They are living their lives, I have no business in it unless they invite me. I can listen and be supportive. Their problems are their problems, I have to remind myself of this often.

So I guess for me, it's pretty basic, letting go, roots and wings, allowing my sons to be who they are. For a while, too long, I was trapped in that "my kids are a reflection of me as a parent" BS.

That's destructive, kill that monster!