Great news. IC had cancellation so I am getting in at 2pm.
I had 2 things I wanted help with.
One was how to get thoughts under control. I can't remember the other.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
C visit: Went in with a list of items, all discussed here over last couple days. The main items were 1) how to get control of thoughts 2) I don't trust my thoughts or judgment of the situation and therefore my decisions
Everything else bothering me seems to be rooted in those two. C's advice was remarkably familiar...you all have been telling me same things all along...with the addition of a recommendation to see Dr. for possibly getting anti-anxiety meds. Also, you guys are great and very helpful, but talking face to face to a human being also helped I think.
Read a little about anti-anx...seem more serious than AD especially fast acting ones like Valium (my grandmother was addicted... W had one many years ago and immediately flushed the rest because it felt so good she was afraid of addiction.) we are both squeamish about drugs. I am considering though because I was in a very bad place a day or two ago.
Even more positive, it's been 24 hours since I did anything stupid, or had an overly emotional episode. I did tear up in C office, but didn't cry like I assumed I might.
W texted late afternoon she would be brining us pizza. Thanked her enthusiastically. She's brought food twice this week so asked her if S16 had been telling her no food in the house. (there is...his definition of food in the house is food he doesn't need to lift a finger for)
We chatted pleasantly for 15 minutes tops. She asked if I had C appt. and did it help. Said yes I think so, didn't go to any detail, just said C wants me to focus big picture not day to day trials.
W said she's got to get better. Can't come back to where she felt abused. Said she knows it's a harsh word and I didn't hit her but she felt abused. I said I know she felt abused. I neglected her, and it made her feel that way. She said yes that's it. She said also the "little 2" (our nickname for s16 and d17 who looked like twins when small) mistreated her. I agreed, said we need to set boundaries for the way we all treat each other. She agreed.
Offered for her to come in for pizza, she was tired. Did not sulk or press. Thanks again, enjoy your day off tomorrow. We got so loose, I ALMOST slipped and said "love you, bye" old habits die hard.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Positive DM says she is trying to show us love:AOS are her LL after all. Hard to serve her when she's not here, though I do keep house clean and ready for her visits, and today when I learned she was coming, turned up the heat and put on a fire in fireplace for her benefit. She couldn't stay and eat, her former 2nd job colleagues invited her to Xmas party.
Negative DM says she has ulterior motives, which I am not going to type because positive in control right now and I want to keep it that way as long as possible.
Meanwhile my LL's are PT and QT and those tanks are empty. Knowing she is expressing her LL is encouraging, though. And she hugged me goodbye.
I think the visit went ok. S16 was in a mood but not terrible. She seems fine with Xmas plans still not discussed in detail. Says she'll be here, but no details, and I really think she might think I know exactly what she's thinking, on this subject and many others. We really need communication work.............waiting..
I read something helpful earlier: it's very difficult to think negatively while smiling. and, if you hold a fake smile for long enough, your brain goes ahead and makes it real.
I've used it twice this evening to shut down the crazy man.
I've known this forever, used it to help my kids, me, students in the past. I am amazed at how many things I knew I have forgotten since this started.
So if you are on the east coast and see a tall, athletic guy grinning like an idiot, you may have found me.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
DM, I've been thinking about your sitch this morning because there are some parallels to mine. My H also told me that he felt I abused him and he was right. I was emotionally abusive, I never hit, never raised my voice, never called him names but there are many forms of abuse.
Originally Posted By: Compassion Power
Anger and abuse in relationships are about blame: "I feel bad, and it's your fault." Even when resentful, angry, or emotionally abusive people recognize their behavior, they are likely to blame it on their partners: "You push my buttons," or, "I might have overreacted, but I'm human, and look what you did!"
It wasn't until I could really accept that I was abusive (and it took a long time, it's a horrible thing to realize and admit about one's self)that I could begin to work on changing me.
And our Ss don't want to come back to that. They may never trust us emotionally again. They might be friendly from a safe distance but the danger meter inside them will keep them from getting too close.
But we can still change because in order to be happy, we must change.
We have that power within ourselves.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Makes sense labug. I don't like the word, but it's true.
As far as change, I KNOW that on our shopping/comedy/anniversary outing, I was "changed", or at least acting like the change I need to be.
Ive gotten myself in this tailspin though. I hope it's the holiday season adding to my stress. All the normal things we do, special times....not happening or in question.
What's more, OM's weekend jail sentence is either over or ending soon. It's public record and online and I could find out with a few clicks, but I'm not going to do that to myself. But, knowing they'll have more time together bothers me. I used to rest in the knowledge that she was spending weekends alone.
I controlled my actions, if not my thoughts, today. W did not follow through on something again. Letting it go. Maybe tomorrow.
Think I will cook all day on Christmas. We used to cook together a lot. It might be something I can engage her in while she's here. I definitely don't want to end up sitting looking at each other.
I hate siting here alone. Most friends are family, hers and mine. Others are our friends. All have their own lives and I feel like 3rd wheel. I'm only typing further to almost feel like I'm engaged in conversation.
I bought some beer, but don't feel like having any. Haven't since this started, though forced one down here and there with a meal.
I'm going to watch comedians on Netflix til I fall asleep.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
You're very early in this acceptance phase. It takes time, don't fight reality.
The holidays do add stress to already stressed situations. All kinds of bad things increase during the holidays, let go and just enjoy the day without pressure or attempts to make it perfect of what it once was.
Don't fight reality.
My advice would be to do different things this year. Cook if that's what you want to do but don't do it because you want W to join in. That's attempting to control and it will probably make her uncomfortable.
Let her go.
I know it's not easy but it's necessary
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
W's car is broken down...transmission. Definitely something I can't fix, and won't be fixed Christmas eve or Christmas day.
SIL will bring W here "around lunch time" today to deliver wrapped gifts.
Until now the plan for Christmas has been, as revealed to me, W will be here in morning "for Christmas". I don't know if this changes things and didn't ask yet. I dont know what time, if she plans on eating with us, spending the day.
The car definitely makes things more difficult.
The idea of W staying W/us Christmas eve has been mentioned not discussed, I think on Friday.
Then there is the issue of her going back to work in a few days. If W were living here (or "on the farm" with one of her Ss), broken car inconvenient but nonissue. I could drive her to work. S and D and I could share cars w/her.
Do I: A) keep my mouth shut, make her figure out the situation? i) Whatif she asks for help/ideas? She often does.
B) offer the suggestion to stay here, use our cars, see how lovely we can treat her? (I think I know your answer to this one...brainstorming and listing all possibilities that come to mind.)
C) Give her my car to take. (Not sure if I am willing at this moment. Brainstorming. I may devote some brain waves to WHY I am hesitant, later. I have a busy morning ahead)
D) Some other hybrid, or totally different action I haven't though of?
A) or C) would be a 180, but so might some other idea D)
Any ideas/input?
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
I think you want to be her Daddy. She's a fully grown, functional woman and I'll bet she's more than capable of handling her own life. Allow her to deal with her life.
You will know if she needs your help because she will ask for it.
You fret a lot about what she's going to do or not going to do on Christmas day. That kind of thing used to drive me crazy too but I found that if I didn't worry about what other people were doing and just let life happen, it was far more enjoyable.
In doing the above you are again making opthers responsible for your happiness.
I do wish you a Merry Christmas.
Wipe that worried look off your face and smile.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
One of her complaints was that I did not take care of her. Like her Daddy. He was a semi-retired farmer and spent most of his time doting on his daughters. Wonderful man. Hard shoes to fill. My W and I agree she has never "gotten over" his passing, which will be 3 years ago soon.
I have to somehow show her I'm willing to take care of her.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
and, if you hold a fake smile for long enough, your brain goes ahead and makes it real.