hope you survived the night. glad to oblige- i can't tell you how many times you've "reeled me in" from some stupid brink.
it's hard as hell - isn't it- remaining calm in the face of this crap we're having shoved down our throats. mwd also says no matter how long it takes- it will seem a lot longer. BOY HAS SHE EVER GOT THAT ONE RITE.
and how crazy and put out we're going to feel when we're suffering and doing "all the work" in response to their insanity- it's SOOOO UNFAIR. THEN, unfortunately - it is what it is. i used to hate it when "the kids" (adults now) use that for a response- but it seems to fit.
it does Su_k (this place keeps blipping out my lousy language) hey- wait- i'll try and use it to keep myself in line. one of the things i'm trying to change-my icky language.
(i'm blaming it on 25 years in law offices around lawyers - sorry, so many are real bottom feeders. it's such a highly charged - deadline oriented existence. (SAYING BAD BAD words can feel sooooo satisfying in the face of total unreasonableness) yikes- )(i guess if i could keep it wrapped tightly enough to deal with them every single day (and - gulp - doctors) what a bunch of ego-centric nutballs honestly) i can do anything. (my new matra?)
anyway- i digress. you sound just like me sometimes.
your h surely does have a totally more huge & exaggerated level of mental situations going on - my h just , well, in a milder version by far - is doing the same stuff - okay- get ready:
they are what they are..... god, that's unfulfilling and meaningless isn't it????/' is this what it means "letting them take their journey alone because they need to do it alone?" I keep thinking of the aaa spiel- and that "hitting bottom" is absolutely crucial to their own wanting to change something - unfortunately it sometimes means just plain ole dying from their "disease". cripes!!! some "cure huh?
sure does not address the intense & insane and voluminous FALLOUT ALL OF US are enduring- trying to make sense of (wrong- we're supposed to stash it in back of mind and exist OUTSIDE IT) (kind of hard when you've got 180 or so lb of hostile man around - huh?)
she does say also tho- mwd - that "this will be the hardest thing you've ever done". she sure has that right- i have to say i have a new level of respect for my tolerance for - what? pain? insanity? childishness? my own grief and inability to function - (as in rise above that - mere "end of the world-id-ness?) it's amazing isn't it that we've come this far. we surely are "man-ie girls) i think we exceed men by far in pain tolerance - insanity tolerance - etc.
don't mistake this for me actually knowing "where we are" or "how far we've come - with regard to "how far we have to go". (yet) (if we choose to do so)
therein the snag huh? - oh well. we've said it to each other many many times. when the end comes - we'll know it. lets hope huh?
SOMEHOW THIS business of Christmas and new year- feels like it should be "SOMETHING". I KEEP thinking something will change or happen- realistically- (i GO TO AIRPORT IN TEN MINUTES) i don't think anything will. that's sad- i can do it one more time - i'm telling myself.
you can do it one more time too - get thru a holiday- get thru a day- get thru an evening- ta da!!! now flex your biceps - do a stupid pose with your leg muscles flexed and your arm bent in front of you- joe atlas style...
my expectations are low- but i get that kind of little "dread" in my stomach- you know, facing reality dread. i hate to feel this in person- it's easier (and harder) when he's not here.
OKAY DEARIE - onward and upward. i find it harder to check in here with him around- i don't want him looking over my shoulder. he wouldn't have one thing to say- OF COURSE- WHAT THE HELL ELSE? but anyway- it's my place. nothing to do with him (yet allllll about him huyh?) sad women- sad sad women.
we're girls - we want to be happy- we're growing huge bal_s- sorry- it's icky but we are - one way or the other.
