Changing Directions

[mamabird]

25, I know I will be fine alone... I just keep thinking of that HOT guy!!! I really do not want to be in another R but I definitely wouldn't mind THAT guy hanging around!!!!!!! Sorry, I am just a little deprived right now and it was such a thrill to have him flirting with me! I am not used to that kind of attention, but I do find myself flirting a lot more now. It was like going from a desert wasteland to an ocean paradise in the blink of an eye so don't fault me... I gotta indulge my fantasies here! In the long run, though, I know I have to do my own thing for a while.

Agree that H and I definitely have to go our separate ways now if there is any chance of coming back together. It seems so obvious now, and getting more obvious every day. But I've definitely detached a good deal because now, when we encounter a difficult situation, it's almost like I'm on the outside looking in instead of experiencing being the one on the other side of the table.

Tonight we had a weird discussion. I have no idea where his head is. We were talking about all the improvements that have to be done to the house and the things we need. He wants a lawn, I want furniture. He wants to replace the couch we have, I think it can wait. It is clear that he has no idea how to talk to me because he still puts me down, thinking (I guess) that will help him get his way. This time, I told him that I didn't like the way he talked to me, and he actually said, "I can say whatever I want because I'm frustrated." Then I had to tell the boys, who were listening, "It is not ok for Daddy to speak to Mommy like that." I find myself doing that more and more and more. They must be very confused.

Aside from that, I found it odd that he wanted to engage with me on the house and the improvements that it needs... as if he's either a) not moving out or b) planning on moving out and then coming back at some point, and it's business as usual. I would have expected a different conversation, I guess. This kind of interaction was par for the course in our M, so it's no wonder I was so unhappy. Without the detachment, I would have felt powerless and frustrated, but instead I just calmly told him I didn't want to be in an R with someone who treats me that way.