The green green grass of home. (Part 2 )

[Soul.Searching]

Oh I did do it for myself and for him to in a way. I can't heal, while I am seeing what he is doing daily. I can't heal watching him become closer to someone else.
I have also been mentioning things to him, like him calling her Babe and that's not good. I'm truly doing my best to let him go.
I do want him to be happy and while at times, I still hope otherwise but if he can be happier with someone else, then who am I to stand in the way of that? And even if I was sucessfull with that, he would always be wondering. Most likely would do the same thing again.

For now, I have closed the door. That being said, i am no where near ready to start dating. When that time comes, it could be anyone, H included. I highly doubt that but for right now, my door is closed. It's not nailed down but it's locked. Who knows if I will ever find the key again.

Facebook was also something I had to do because I'd wanted to do it for a while but fear stopped me. I had to let go of that fear and do what I needed to do.
I didn't want to hurt H! That's the last thing I wanted.
I told him about a week ago, that I had removed him from my newsfeed because of OW, he swears they are just friends but it hurts. I thought he would understand.

The thing is too, this also showed me why I don't want him back. I tried to explain things to him today via message because he hung up on me. The response I got was "Bla Bla Bla I'm not even reading that"
That's typical H! It's not some new MLC sign, it's typical H!
I shouldn't be feeling like this over someone I love.
Also the lying, it's not something new, we nearly broke up a few times at the start of our relationship because of him lying to me. It's also been an issue most of our relationship.
I don't think I can move past that now. My trust is totally shattered. If it was a new thing and I thought it was just because of the current situation, then maybe I could move past that.
I know I did play a part in this and I'm working on me. I love H with all my heart but I think the damage is done and I don't think it can be reversed.

I know that chances are that I will want to change my mind but I need to be strong and keep the door closed. At least for a long time. I don't see H ever changing but if he does it won't be anytime soon.
I still want to be friendly but not friends. I don't want to know what's going on in his life anymore. It hurts too much.