heeeeelllllppp!!

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for the advice.

The problem with my wife is that she is a complex person. She doesn't really go crazy over gifts, however she likes to give big gifts. That seems like a contradiction to me.

Cop out and you missed the WHOLE POINT I Made about having 2 love languages. We all have two love languages.

THere's One language in which we GIVE LOVE

and the other in which we RECEIVE LOVE...

she gives gifts so she's got a language of showing or GIVING LOVE, BY GIVING GIFTS...

but she seems to NOT be into receiving love that way. (Unless she sees your gifts as inadequate, which is also possible and you must look at that and compare what and how SHE GIVES to what she gets from you. Are there ANY gifts she ever made a fuss over from anyone??)

What else does SHE LOVE to do or get?

There is NO CONTRADICTION at all.



it's not physical touch or quality time for her.



You sure?? Well, You don't have to DECIDE just yet and it's also not written in stone.

The physical touch thing I think comes her upbringing.


Just an FYI, you don't need to do the pseudo-analysis. It's time consuming and not productive. Also often NOT accurate....


The quality time doesn't seem that important, but her OWN quality time is very important to her. She needs time and space (even before everything) and I do compliment her a lot.

For acts of service[b] I do lots of acts of service for her...

maybe I"m not hitting the right buttons. Get her coffee, make the bed and bigger stuff too.
[/b]

you sound as if you are "measuring" and what matters is what SHE perceives and what HER needs are. It is Not whether she "should" get it the way you give it.

Make sense?

The book had some advice for how to find it and I will work on that.

GOOD!@!!

I know my needs aren't important,

no one said that. Don't play the victim. We said for now, YOU are working on the marriage and she isn't. Or at least not here. So put aside those needs FOR NOW and work on meeting hers. First step is knowing them...


but I do want to comment on what you said 25 about me. i did the quiz in the book and mine came out to physical touch and quality time. basically the opposite of my wife.

it's NOT "the opposite" of your wife's!! It's just different. No one is "wrong".

It'd be boring if we all did the same things to "show" our love. OR it'd get competitive.

Did you read about my own sitch? Learning what matters to MY h and realizing we don't have the same LLs did not hurt the marriage. His need for physical touch is also NOT exclusively sexual and that matters b/c a lot of couples feel pressure OR have trust issues but have touch as their LL.

Back rubs (I took a one day class in massage and it's been SO helpful and healing for all of our family. My kids LOVE massages and for our son, now in his 20s, it's how he can get affection from his mama without asking for a hug or feeling uncomfortable. Says "My back is sore Mom" and it;s a lovely bonding thing. POINT IS, if you say touch is your language and NOT your wife's,

make sure you remember that touch is not all sexual. I'm a hugger with my kids and my friends and h, but we are not into PDA. Holding hands, yes. Kissing and smooching in public? Not so much. What is your wife like with affection in general?

IN THIS SITCH there's no "right" or "wrong" in how one gives or receives love. What matters is that you care enough for your spouse to learn how to give love to them in THEIR language.



in regards to physical touch yes I enjoy a roll in the hay, but the best thing any of my girlfriends or wife used to do was hold hands with fingers mixed. so it's not 100% about sex.

Don't thrash me, but I was watching the Oprah network last night.

I would not thrash you for that. I'd say you are trying to understand your wife more. Good.

They have this show on cheating. You basically hear it from the cheater and the spouse. they don't use the same words as here, but the concepts are the same. it was an eye opener.

I want to apologize to my wife for the stuff I've don't, but I don't think now is the time. I am also want to bring up couples counseling since that seemed to help a lot of people on the show.

I am out of time now to post more. IF you go to a MC, make sure they are solution based.

5-6 sessions ought to make some difference and if not, IMO, go elsewhere.