My wife wants to separate

[eyesopen]

Cheating, parasitic, adulterous wives do not respond to appeals or "reason".

I always wonder why someone would want to be married to someone they describe in that way.

I think because most of us here believe in something much bigger than ourselves, even though believing in ourselves is the our ticket home.

[labug]

eyesopen, could you expand on that?

[SM34]

GH31 Yes you are absolutely right. I am grateful for your mentoring through these turbulent times. Yes you are right, the woman I married is not the woman I see every day. She would have NEVER disrespected me the one she does now. Even just a week before the affair started, she would not have treated me this way. We always had the utmost respect for each other, and we never shouted or raised our voice at each other, or called each other names. We had a loving, mature, relationship. It just got too comfortable and I guess we both took it for granted. I need to work on the things that she told me were the reasons she is leaving me, whether I agree or not, since that is HER reality. I have learned that in the last few weeks through reading.

Now, I am REALLY struggling. I am running out of time because she is living with me because our daughter gets out of day care at noon so she picks her up and spends the afternoon with her. Jan 7th our daughter is starting at a new school full time until 5pm. At that point, W may move out or not, we havent discussed it. Yet I feel the point at which I cannot take her disrespect is coming up because more and more so the relationship is "in my face" and she is doing nothing to hide it. I need to quickly do some 180's, show a tender loving, and affectionate side through words only (I can't touch her anymore since she is not my W right now), show that I am moving on well and that she will be missing out on the relationship I am developing with my daughter, and then when the time is right I need to ask her to respect my sanity and move out.

I need help. These are the things I have outlined as issues she has with me:

1) Not sexual enough. No idea how to show that i can improve on that. But relationship with OM has proofed to be orgasm free for her! So no love chemicals.

2) Not affectionate enough. I am reading 5LL right now and trying to find ways to show her affection without persueing or sounding fake or like I am trying too hard. Pointers on this are appreciated.

3) Don't listen to her about things that might have helped our financial situation. Did a 180 on this big time the week after the bomb. We have a rental property that was being renovated and I had opted to go with a cheaper handyman and she wanted to hire a pro company for much more to get it done quickly. The handyman botch the project and we paid 3 months mortgage for no reason. If i had listened to her we would have saved money. So, when the handyman left the project half finished, I told her call whoever you want for whatever price and lets do it! I trust your judgement 100%. She said thank you for listening to me once in your life. But I need more chances of this 180 and nothing is coming up. ideas?

4) Things that are broken or need "tweaking" around our house that I don't get to in time even though she asks repeatedly. I have been trying to tackle one home improvement every time she is away for the night. She has commented on a few of them, but some seem to be unnoticed, OR she she is frustrated because I am changing and it negates one of her reasons for leaving.

5) I need to be more diligent at work. She believes one of my problems with my business not being as successful as it could be is that I don't make a list of things to do, and cross off things as I finish them. In other words i am not organized enough.

6) She thinks I don't look like a business owner because I dress the same way as my employees. Basically a polo shirt with the company logo, pair of blue jeans, and brown shoes. So i need to get some dressy shirts embroidered and start wearing them to work with nicer pants and new shoes.

7) I need to grow some balls! I think she has lost respect for me over the years because i have lost the confidence I once had. In fact, after a lot of thinking as to why I was not keeping up with the sex and affection, I have self discovered that I have my own insecurities. When my income dropped, I reached out to her for validation that she still loved me all the same and still thought I was the best person in the world. I didn't get it. i was also told not to talk about work or complain about finances to her, so I became isolated. Then sex suffered and she began to tell me you don't find me attractive anymore yadda yadda, when really i was mad that I wasn't getting the validation I needed that i was at least trying my best. In fact, she started blaming me for ALL of our troubles, because I didn't listen when she advised this, or advised that.

GH31, or any other veterans, please help me brainstorm some 180's and things to do. I am trying to read all the material recommended but its a lot and I don't have much time away from her to read these books. Trying my best. She is out tonight and instead of GALing, i am home to spend Saturday night reading! I do feel like hitting up a gentlemans club and touching some women though! Perhaps later. Havent done that since my bachelor party 5 years ago!

[SM34]

labug, I think GH31 was using those harsh descriptions only to describe the woman who is hijacking my wife's body, or any other wife's body for that matter. It is the imposter that we see infront of us that is the parasite, etc... Once the wife snaps out of her foggy mind, and begins to see the damage she has done with her recklessness, she starts to go come back to being the woman you married. No one wants to be married to the wife they see in place of their love, we all want our old wife back.

[eyesopen]

I guess what I am saying, or at least what I believe in, is the sanctity of marriage, the vows I gave, and the bond that was strengthened when we had children.

I agree if when anyone got married, if their spouse could have been described in that way, why would anyone want to stay with them.

Based on what I have read on this forum, there doesn't seem to be many serial cheaters or parasites. Just two people who didn't have the right tools and knowledge to keep their marriages thriving. Now one of them is in a fog of sorts. Be it a MLC, affair, or a hardened heart.

So we stand because we believe that our marriages can be great. Our famalies can be made whole again, and we can live the fulfilling life with that special person that we thought we were going to.

At least that is why I am here, that is what I believe in.

[SM34]

I am GALing at.an awesome bar. I don't care what the DB rules.are right.now. I am focused on me! Bartender is hitting on me big time and I am annoying the attention. Gentlemans bar next. Solo.us.the.net for.finding yourself by the way =) end of.journal.entry.

[SM34]

Sorry I was typing on my phone from a bar. Had a good time on my own and practiced complimenting the ladies. A really cute bartender was chatting me up which was nice, and definitely helped with the self esteem that was wrecked by W three weeks ago! I know Sandi2's rules say to avoid the bar scene but I needed to get out and remind myself that I still have the skills to talk to the ladies. Feel much better now.

Back to DBing. Now reading 5LL. Will journal the lessons from the book soon.

[SM34]

Journal Entry. David's thread is inspirational. He got his wife back! It has been 12 years since this story but the methods and strategies still apply.


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...14930#Post14930

[labug]

Thanks SM, I get that. But being angry at your W takes the focus off you and why she decided to seek out OM.

Your 180s sound good but you can't quickly do any of this. Just as it took time to get to this place, it will take time to get out of it. The best thing you can do is be polite, friendly, a great Dad and continue your 180s. But don't be continually looking to see if W noticed. Be a better man because YOU want to be a better man.

Read up on ultimatums if that's what you're thinking of doing. I'm neither for not against but just be sure you know the consequences.

There's a reason why GALing in bars alone is not the best choice. Can you think why that is? And yes it's great to have someone of the opposite sex chat us up and maybe even touch us but don't you think those are the feelings that got you in this predicament?

[SM34]

I'm not sure where I sounded angry towards my wife. i guess I am a little, but not for what she is doing now. What she is doing I feel she has no control over at this point. It is all hormones and fantasy life that is free of the stresses of our life. My W happens to be someone who has absolutely no life experience on her own. She went from mommy's house, to daddy's house, to my house. She never lived on her own or had to worry about paying bills. This will all be a reality check that she has desperately needed for a long time, and I should have had more involved in these things and also working a little so that she knew how tough life is and didn't blame me for everything negative financially.

I am a little angry at how she choose to do this, and the lack of respect she is showing me right now. She is super nice to me, but she is talking about meeting this OM, and also told me about her problems with orgasms now, all very casually. I think if i was in her shoes I would not treat her like that, but then again I have never had my mind taken over like that so I don't know how I would act.

I would like to get your input on how a woman ticks (since you are a woman). I was never good at complimenting my wife and telling her how beautiful she is often enough. I would see that she is wearing a very sexy dress for our date night, and I would say casually "I like that dress baby, it looks nice on you". It wasn't because I am a bad person, its just that at some point in our relationship her self esteem issues began to make her feel like I was just appeasing her. so she would accuse me of just saying nice things to her although she thought I felt differently. So I have always had to tone it down so it seems sincere. Now OM is telling her she is gorgeous at every conversation they have, and every message etc. That is exactly what she needs!

When she told me she was leaving me, I think the main point she kept coming back to was "You WRECKED my self esteem". Of course I don't believe i did that, and I attribute that to her own self image because she was raised to be product and make her own money (her mom taught her that because she divorced her dad and had to make it on her own). Over the years she had become a codependent, stay at home mom, stay at home and wait for husband to come home wife. So again she is blaming it on me although I asked her for her input every step of our long journey, and even helped her start her own business and had my sister in law (graphic designer) make her business cards, and my brother (successful business man) help her with developing a concept etc.. But she has always been the type to shy away from financial responsibility for fear of it becoming expected of her (she told me this before).

Anyway, whether I agree with the idea that I wrecked her self esteem or not, in HER mind I did. So i must change that. How can I start doing that now, IMMEDIATELY, without it being pursuing? Can I tell her she looks beautiful? or sexy? or hot? How strong of words do I use? I have been advised to compliment her once a day about something not looks related, and then compliment her twice a week on her looks. As a woman, how do you feel about that?