The green green grass of home. (Part 2 )

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks, LITB.
I take back my reconciliation goal. To me, right now, I feel this is a sink or swim situation. I don't care if people think I'm weak. It's a fight for survival right now, or at least my sanity. My new goal is to drop the rope, close the door and move of with my life, for me and my children.
I deactivated my FB for about a month but its how I keep in contact with friends and family who are not close by.
I removed H from my friends list today. I don't know when/ if he will notice.
For some reason seeing him call someone else Babe, when he never called me that hurt deeply. Then seeing them both posting pictures of my children with hers, well that's a deal breaker for me.
His involving my children with someone he met on a dating site, a little over three months after BD.
That's not okay IMO. I don't want to teach my children that its okay either.
Also I'm not down with being plan B.

He is a selfish arse hole. He can spend endless amounts of money on himself but yet Santa won't be coming there.
I don't have very much respect at all for this pitiful person.

Yes, I'm feeling rather bitter right now. I really don't think I could ever fully trust him. The damage has been done, not just from now, but from years of him lying.

He really is just somebody that I used to know.

[labug]

Sometimes it makes sense to move forward. That doesn't show weakness.

Take care of yourself and your babies.

[subguy]

SS, one foot in front of the other. Take a deep breath and remember that you have worth and value. Get yourself into a good place. I'm working on my list this weekend and will post soon.

Take care of yourself

[eyesopen]

Hey SS, keep you chin up, and no matter what choice you make, make sure it is one that moves you forward.

Just wondering if you have spoke with your h about the kids? It obvious that his OW doesn't have the strongest values either when it comes to her children.

My children are a little younger than yours, and I have decided that they will not meet anyone else until they are old enough to comprehend what happened with their parents. I know they may never truly understand, but I will do what I can to protect them.

I commend for doing what you think is best and not taking any veal.

[JuneReN]

Okay Ruby. I'll have it done by then. I'm just so tired.

I know, baby....hang in there, okay? The days I do not want to get out of my bed are the days I KNOW I have to go running. I drag my sorry azz out there and do it. It keeps my depression at bay and also lifts my energy. Sometimes I can't run very far because I just start crying...that's okay too

Write them down, make a goal that you can achieve almost right away, like organizing Tupperware. You need to be successful in something right now and making a goal you know you can achieve will get you to the next moment, which is sometimes all we can ask for.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks guys, I really do appreciate it. Eyes, I have talked to him about it but he just won't listen. He even asked the kids if they like her and her kids.
He says its just one person, so it doesn't matter. He says he is allowed to have friends. He just can not or will not see anything wrong with it.
The Bitch he is seeing has no privacy settings on her FB. Her Daughter wants to get away from her by the sounds of it. I wonder why!
Her kids are slightly older but I don't know their sitch.
Dog meets dog...
It seem like he is just trying to outdo everything I do with them as well.

This is just so hard. Especially so close to Christmas. I need to figure out what to do, when I'm feeling so week and just want to give in and call/ message.

I can do this,...

[eyesopen]

I asked because I have not talked about it with my w. I don't think we are ready for that talk yet. So far she has not turned into a alien either.

In the end you can only express your concerns. As we all know, we can only control ourselves.

What [censored] is this is hard enough on kids to begin with, then they get to see their mom or dad jump into another R as if their marriage meant nothing. All we can do is try to explain it to them the best we can.

I had a interesting text convo with my mom last night. She asked if there was anything my w could do to shatter my hopes. I told her that hope comes from within me and me only. Also that I may have to endure things that she would not want me to, and that it may take a long time. I told her that I will do this so that if it does not work out, someday when my children can understand, I can look them in the eye and honestly tell them I did everything I could to keep my family together.

[Soul.Searching]

Well the sh@t had hit the fan!!!
The kids called me today on speaker phone. H said "Oh yeah, your not getting the kids back today, you can have them tomorrow. "
I said "so your not even going to ask me?"

I tried to explain about FB and why I done it. His not listening to anything now.
I told him I am working tomorrow anyway, so he can keep them until tomorrow afternoon. So he said no I can have them back tonight!! Ummm okay.

His really pissed. Maybe I shouldn't have done it! I didn't expect this.

Eyes, I know it's only been three months for me but I can honestly say I have/ am doing everything I could, without letting it consume me in the process.

I'm no good to anyone if I burn out and loose the plot. I need to save me now.

[eyesopen]

Eyes, I know it's only been three months for me but I can honestly say I have/ am doing everything I could, without letting it consume me in the process.

I'm no good to anyone if I burn out and loose the plot. I need to save me now.

Please don't think I was judging you in any way. Just trying to give you a little motivation I guess.

The strange thing is, is that someday I will have to tell my kids that in order for me to save our family, I had to let their mom go. I hardly understand it myself, but I know she needs to feel zero pressure from me.

About him your H being pissed, water off your back. Let him be, once the hurt or anger subsides, he may start to actually think about your reason for doing what you did. You are letting him go, and you will do what it takes to get there.

As long as you did it for yourself it shouldn't matter how he reacts.

[Soul.Searching]

Oh I did do it for myself and for him to in a way. I can't heal, while I am seeing what he is doing daily. I can't heal watching him become closer to someone else.
I have also been mentioning things to him, like him calling her Babe and that's not good. I'm truly doing my best to let him go.
I do want him to be happy and while at times, I still hope otherwise but if he can be happier with someone else, then who am I to stand in the way of that? And even if I was sucessfull with that, he would always be wondering. Most likely would do the same thing again.

For now, I have closed the door. That being said, i am no where near ready to start dating. When that time comes, it could be anyone, H included. I highly doubt that but for right now, my door is closed. It's not nailed down but it's locked. Who knows if I will ever find the key again.

Facebook was also something I had to do because I'd wanted to do it for a while but fear stopped me. I had to let go of that fear and do what I needed to do.
I didn't want to hurt H! That's the last thing I wanted.
I told him about a week ago, that I had removed him from my newsfeed because of OW, he swears they are just friends but it hurts. I thought he would understand.

The thing is too, this also showed me why I don't want him back. I tried to explain things to him today via message because he hung up on me. The response I got was "Bla Bla Bla I'm not even reading that"
That's typical H! It's not some new MLC sign, it's typical H!
I shouldn't be feeling like this over someone I love.
Also the lying, it's not something new, we nearly broke up a few times at the start of our relationship because of him lying to me. It's also been an issue most of our relationship.
I don't think I can move past that now. My trust is totally shattered. If it was a new thing and I thought it was just because of the current situation, then maybe I could move past that.
I know I did play a part in this and I'm working on me. I love H with all my heart but I think the damage is done and I don't think it can be reversed.

I know that chances are that I will want to change my mind but I need to be strong and keep the door closed. At least for a long time. I don't see H ever changing but if he does it won't be anytime soon.
I still want to be friendly but not friends. I don't want to know what's going on in his life anymore. It hurts too much.