LBS gearing up for the long haul

[Dm45]

Makes sense labug. I don't like the word, but it's true.

As far as change, I KNOW that on our shopping/comedy/anniversary outing, I was "changed", or at least acting like the change I need to be.

Ive gotten myself in this tailspin though. I hope it's the holiday season adding to my stress. All the normal things we do, special times....not happening or in question.

What's more, OM's weekend jail sentence is either over or ending soon. It's public record and online and I could find out with a few clicks, but I'm not going to do that to myself. But, knowing they'll have more time together bothers me. I used to rest in the knowledge that she was spending weekends alone.

I controlled my actions, if not my thoughts, today. W did not follow through on something again. Letting it go. Maybe tomorrow.

Think I will cook all day on Christmas. We used to cook together a lot. It might be something I can engage her in while she's here. I definitely don't want to end up sitting looking at each other.

I hate siting here alone. Most friends are family, hers and mine. Others are our friends. All have their own lives and I feel like 3rd wheel. I'm only typing further to almost feel like I'm engaged in conversation.

I bought some beer, but don't feel like having any. Haven't since this started, though forced one down here and there with a meal.

I'm going to watch comedians on Netflix til I fall asleep.