"To make my story short, the past 2 1/2 years have been very challenging. My H said he could not commit to our M. He had an EA in Nov 2010 with turned into a PA in Jan 2011, when he moved out of the house. The PA lasted through April-beg of May of 2011. My H moved back into the house in July. I could not practice DB--I was too hurt. So I demanded committment, which he could not give. He had continued texting/emailing the OW. I found out about this in September of 2011. More hard times. My H said he was done with the OW but still had the "itch" to date other women, so he moved out again in Jan 2012.
We made some progress in our R (or what I thought was progress) in June-August 2012 when I started DBing. Then, to my surprise, in September of 2012 he filed for D. He said he needed to do this to make his decision real and so he would be free to be with other women."
My last post on the previous thread:
"FY, SS, and TGirl, thank you for coming through, as always. Writing helped me last night. I didn't have the best ZZ but it would've been worse if I hadn't expressed what I was feeling.
Yes, he's cake eating. Yes, he's hugging me for good and bad reasons. Yes, the lewd touching must stop. I didn't write what else he tried to do, but he was definitely testing my limits. Next time he wants to come over, I will tell him that we need to keep things at "Level 3" for the sake of our new R. This is why I think he was behaving like what I call "Bizarro H":
1. He was sleep deprived (he mentioned how he's had trouble sleeping, which was true throughout our M.) In the past, I pointed out that playing sports till midnight and being online till past midnight wasn't helping, but obviously this continues. This was one of the problems in our M. He was always tired and cranky, and would act out like a kid. He would reply he went to bed so late bc I was asleep and if I had been awake next to him, he would've gone to bed earlier--logical? No. But that's my H. He tends to blame external factors for his shortcomings.
2. He was stressed. His way to release stress is through sex or by spewing things that are inappropriate/hurtful, by telling inappropriate jokes and playing with people's minds.
3. He is afraid. He wants the D to be final TOMORROW bc he knows that if we continue waiting he will still feel married, might question his decision more, or won't be able to start a R with all those hot women who're out there waiting for him. This is painful for him, so he wants it over NOW. He feels poorly about himself for doing this, so he wants it over NOW. Of course that he wants the D to happen magically, without putting any work into it.
My H is still: -Flirting non-stop with other women -Behaving like a teen -Not taking responsibility for what happened in our M -Not respecting boundaries/any societal norms -Playing sports like there's no tomorrow--escape from himself -Not sleeping well--being cranky -Believing love is to have fun non-stop -Believing he'll be young forever
I don't want this man to be the father of my children. I don't want to give all my love and dedication to someone who only seems to care about himself.
Next steps: 1. Reinforce my boundaries. 2. Continue friendship plan and observe any changes. 3. Continue loving him but keeping my options open--meet new people and going to social events. 4. Collaborate to finish the D--I will call him to finish the division of assets this weekend."
Agree. I am glad you are at this place. I think your H has a lot of growing left to do.. While you love him you should be a partner not some sort of nurturer without the equality to make it a partnership.
You do sound like you are doing great Tori. Level headed and clear.
((((( )))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I'm glad you all agree and my common sense is not being muddled by emotion/past experiences.
Labug, I don't think I can be friends with him w/out some sort of expectation. If in the future I notice this friendship is not letting me explore other R's, then I will lower the level to 1 or 2. I'm sure he would do the same.
Andrew, Level 3 is fine. Yesterday was way beyond level 3, and that was the problem. If I hadn't been strong with the boundaries, it would have ended up at level 6 or 7!--or whatever level is reserved for friends with benefits. I value myself a lot more than that.
So today has been a blah day. Ready for all these holidays to finally be over. I've also experience fear about the new court date (1/22--got letter in the mail today.) I wanted to disappear and start a new life in a foreign country. I had that feeling of just wanting to run away wherever no one knew me. I guess I still feel that way. Not good. It'll pass.
Texted my H about meeting to go over the papers tomorrow. I want to get it done. No reply from him yet. Andrew, there's no special reason except that I don't want this to drag on forever anymore. I won't be doing his work, but I will cooperate as much as I can in my role of "defendant."
Feeling better today. I knew the bad feeling will pass :-) But I would still take a trip to a tropical island.
My H replied yes to talking about the assets today. We'll pair it up with something fun to ease the pain--probably a 3D movie that just came out. We'll be far away from my place (close to his) so that's better.
Will have "the talk" about levels of friendship again if needed. If he "behaves," I won't mention anything.
Glad to hear you're feeling better Tori. If you must be the "defendant" then I'll hope he "behaves." If not, you can always be a good parent and smack his hand as a warning. LOL
GOing to movies w H before/after dividing of assets talk...very unusual I would say! NOt bad unusual, but very interesting unusual.
You never know where friendships can lead down the road...but no expectations or hopes from this. He has a lot of personal growth to do before he's ready to commit to a person of your worth!
Enjoy your holidays to whatever degree you can!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Yes, my H and I are definitely unusual...I won't make anything out of the friendship bc I know how much my H needs to grow. It is good now, but who knows as time goes by.
Overall, the meeting went fairly well (only one bad thing happened.)
Meeting at a public place worked a lot better. We worked through the financial stuff very quickly, and agreed on pretty much everything. I expressed things that I needed to express (DB or not)
1. I said I understood that he wanted to get the D done quickly, but that it was hurtful to see him wanting to do it in a day, like he couldn’t wait. He listened, and said he just didn’t want it to last for so long. So I felt better about the whole thing.
2. I told him I could draw an analogy to our sitch from the Anita Morjani book. Basically, we were just letting our M die after 2 years of trying everything (Anita spent 4 years trying to find the cure for her cancer until she was in such poor condition, she basically let go of life.) What happened to Anita? Her near-death experience brought her to be in touch with her true self, and she healed from her cancer in less than 4 weeks—completely healed. Anita says she healed bc she CHOSE life. I said that my H and I are in a marriage “Comma,” and that we might get in touch with our true selves and decide to come back to life or stay dead. I think he got it. Whatever. I wanted to express what I think it’s a pretty clever analogy. He didn’t act distant or anything after, so I think it didn’t cause damage. I actually really believe this. I know you guys told me the risk to let go and facilitate the D is too big, but I’m just going to let go. Let it be. As painful as it is. It’s not like I’ll be doing his work, but I won’t be trying to delay it on purpose, bc this man really wants a D and there’s nothing to stop him. So let it be.
After the conversation, we watched the 3D movie, during which we held hands like we used to. It felt so “normal.”
Then we ran a few errands before I had to go.
The only bad occurrence of the night: I have been corresponding with the pastor at the church where he sometimes goes (with his buddy from work) via FB. I was looking for support in case my H talked to him about our sitch. So, I was showing my H one of my FB pix (now that he’s not my FB friend) and he caught a glimpse of one of the messages the pastor sent to me. Bad, bad, bad. He asked why I was getting this message. I told him I didn’t know the pastor but got his messages bc he was friends with my pastor. I don’t think he bought it. He’s too smart for that. I hate to lie, but what could I have done??? So, I guess the worse that could happen is that he’ll discover one of the things I did to “pursue.” And he might disappear for a while. But heck, this D is happening, so I’m telling myself the damage wasn’t extreme.
When he dropped me off, he said he would’ve kissed me goodnight but that wasn’t appropriate. I said it was true, so we hugged. He was behaving again. Didn't have to smack his hand, Andrew :-)
I could tell he was not happy about not seeing me on Xmas. I felt like crying but only kept a big smile on my face and wished him a good time. This was tough.
So it’s over. Now I think we don’t have any more need to talk about finances for a while. Let’s see if Level 3 friend comes out and asks me to do something just for the sake of our friendship. If the thing with the pastor didn’t cause a lot of damage, I think he will. We’ll see.
