Last year (about 4 months after he moved out) H spent Xmas eve and day with us.
This year, even though he's maintained almost daily contact via the kids, H has not mentioned anything about being with us for Xmas - he's not even said when he'll give the kids their presents.
Xmas in our house was one tradition after another - I am big on that. How he can bare to miss all of this with the kids, I just don't know. Just goes to show how deep their crisis must be, I suppose.... These days it makes me feel sorry for him, more than anything.
Last night, as the kids and I sat down with our lebkuchen to watch 'Christmas Vacation' for the 15th time - and we still laughed together - i realised that we were OK.
You will get through this - you are definitely brave enough - and things WILL get better.
I had to come on tonight and release some anger....it was a bad night for my poor kids and they dont deserve this:( H picked them up at 4:45pm and took them to his parents house. They started texting me immediately about how awkward it was and that they wanted to come home. Well, apparently, while opening presents D14 made a comment to H that he didnt like and he got mad. Well, between this comment and other little things, D14 got upset. She started crying and went into the bathroom to calm down. My other D11 got upset at this point and was worried about her sister...so she started texting me about what was going on. (I was out with girlfriends and getting ready to go out to dinner too!)
I asked what was going on and if everything was okay and D11 said NO and that they wanted to come home. I still didnt know what was going on and why the crying was taking place, but next thing I know, they are on their way home. I guess D14 started having a panic attack in the car and H started screaming at her (NOT the thing to do when anyone is in middle of an anxiety attack) and I start getting more texts from D11 saying that dad is yelling at D14 and that D11 was scared. Next thing I know, H calls me and asks where I am and that D14 is having an attack and he is bringing her home. I asked him what happened and he said that he doesnt know, but that D started crying and then wanted to go home and that she was saying she missed me and it wasnt the same without me there. Then he adds in that D insulted him in front of his family. (thats important..geez...D is sitting next to you in the car having an panic attack and you have to make sure to mention that she insulted you???)
So, I head home from my dinner and was about 5 minutes behind them..so the girls had gone inside and HE DIDNT EVEN WAIT WITH THEM TO MAKE SURE SHE WAS OKAY..he just dropped them off, and left. D14 said that he walked them to the door and said "Have a merry Christmas" and left. OMG...how crazy is this??
So, once they got home I got the scoop that D14 was just sad and it felt weird to be there. She said that H was the one who upset her with the way he was acting. Also said that no one was talking to them and they (both my girls) were just sitting alone in the family room after they opened gifts..even their cousins (just 2 cousins that are exactly their age) didnt talk to them. I wonder if its just awkward for everyone??
I guess that while D was in bathroom crying that both H's bros went in to talk to her and told her she didnt need to miss her mom because she had family there that loved her. She resonded that they dont even know her. Now, rude as it may sound, she is correct. Not one of these family members has contacted or reached out to my kids since H left...so they feel abandoned by them all, which made them feel strange being there tonight. I guess then H went into Bathroom (after he was crying on the couch with his head in his hands) and asked if she wanted to go home and that is when they left.
On the way home, when her attack started, he was screaming at her "what the fu*k is your problem?" and "what the hell is wrong with you?" and yelling that he wasnt taking any blame for this incident. Also yelled that He bet that she wouldnt act like this at my familys house. This is when D11 texted me that she was scared and this didnt help D14 calm down either. He yelled that he didnt want to listen to her crying the whole way home.
I am appalled..I just cannot believe that this is what transpired tonight. Once I got home, she calmed down and was actually able to laugh tonight once she felt better. She said that she cannot believe that dad was so mean and that he did nothing to help calm her. I am pretty upset about this. I need to be able to trust that he can help them through these hard times, not yell at them. I think he was so concerned about what his family will think, that he was angry instead of compassionate. THIS IS NOT THE MAN I MARRIED AND HAVE KNOWN FOR THE PAST 18 YEARS....
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Whoops...I wasnt finished and I accidentely submitted the last post...
So, Here I am ..angry and sad all at the same time. Looks like H wont see the kids until after his trip in Jan and this is how they ended things? Awful..and both Ds still are feeling sad tonight.
I really just dont get how he cannot see what he has caused in my kids and in our family. I know that his family is probably talking with him and telling him how "bad" my kids are and that Im "brain washing them" but they will never look at H and realize that he has really done a number on us.
I just think that I need to cease visitation right now between them until he can get a grip on how to better support them through this. He is emotionally abusing D14 and now got verbal tonight. Funny, this is how he was with me when he first left...
Sadly, I just dont think that he even realizes that this behavior and pain that they are displaying is directly related to what they have endured these past months. He wants to write this off as normal?? In fact, when she was having the anxiety attack tonight he kept telling her that it must be low blood sugar...are you kidding me? Keep on blaming anything....instead of looking at yourself...
Im sad that this night turned out the way it did. I must admit that I knew that the kids werent thrilled about going, but I NEVER thought it would turn out like this..
What happened to my loving, adoring H who put his kids before everything?
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Wow...SB, you do need to stop visitation. A judge will listen to the girls if it is what they desire, they are old enough. What a lousy night for our babies, I am so sorry.
It is probably best that H is away and they will not see him, it does not sound like this is healthy at all. I think I already mentioned how strongly I feel about him using your daughter as a way to communicate with you. It looks as if also a little transference is going on in terms of anger etc. it is probably best they don't see him for a bit
Hhmm SB sounds like you need to move on. He def. has crossed some lines with that kind of talk. Sad and pathetic, some guys on here would love for their wife to fight for them and well... you know the rest.
Merry Christmas, love them kids
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I am so sorry you & your D's are going thru this! Your H is a d#@K!
The holidays just height emotions for everyone. It is GOOD your H won't see them for a while. It will give everyone a chance to step back, cool down & think about steps forward.
It seems to be a repeating pattern the way your H is using/abusing your D's & that is unacceptable!
Did you talk to your H about boundaries concerning D's? I think you should strongly consider thinking about postponing visitations for a while until things calm down & D's are ready to see their dad again. Get the court involved if you feel you need to.
Good luck & breathe....you are strong! (((((lots of hugs to you & your d's)))))
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Merry Christmas! Just had to stop in and give a quick update before I head to bed! Had a wonderful day with my girls...we wrapped gifts, listened to Christmas music all day and laughed a lot! My mom came over and took us all out to dinner...this was a first, as I have NEVER gone out to dinner in my 36 years of life on Christmas Eve! Maybe a new tradition?? It was nice and not crowded at all!!!
D14 went to a party with her closest friend, which is also something new. We always spent Christmas Eve since H and I married at his parents house..so I let her go since this year is so different. My mom, D11 and I spent evening at neighbors hanging out and then back here to my house! Fun evening! NO TEARS all day long:)
I was just about to get all the wrapped gifts from the garage and put them under the tree when I get a text from H saying:
"I cannot stop crying"
I responded:
"Lots of magical memories we had together with our babies"
H wrote back: "Trying to find a reason to live" Me: "Dont say that" h: "Serious, sick of this life...think everyones life would be better without me in it" me: "R u ok?" H: "fine...goodnight. Merry Christmas" me: "Good night H, Merry Christmas to you too"
So, he had to find a way to make me cry. I cried because I feel sad for him..I cannot imagine Christmas morning without my kids. It was only a quick cry, but of course, he got himself into my head and now Im worried about his well being...
I stuffed the stockings, got all the gifts under the tree and am heading to bed now...I am looking forward to a wonderful Christmas with my beautiful girls:)
Merry Christmas to all..
SB
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Merry Christmas Sweetbriar! I wish you and your family a safe, blessed and happy holiday season. May the new year be bright and full of promise for you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
SB, that is one needy guy. If he texts you stuff like that you should suggest he get some professional help to help him work things out. You're like a person trying to keep your head above water and he keeps trying to grab you to keep himself from sinking. You should save that text in case you do need to limit his visitation.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
You made me smile