Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

[littleGTO]

HI, Sweet.

Been thinking about you, but have been going thru my own new hell these past 3 days.

Bottom line--we can't control anything except ourselves & our own actions. We can't even control our own emotions...but we need to experience them, let ourselved learn from them and move forward.

I've always thought the advice here has been great, impossible at times, but good in theory.

I live in CT, where the recent tragedies happened & it has affected me ENORMOUSLY. Life is precious. Our children are precious. And time is finite. Nobody is promised tomorrow. So my new goal is to look for good things (even if they a miniscule) every day. With children that shouldn't be hard!

Having said all that it is very hard to work "against" your own intuition/desires. I also realized everyone here has to do these things on their own timeline. What works NOW for someone else (even if they are in a similar sitch as your) will NOT necessarily work for YOU. Esp in your sitch where you are pregnant & expecting your H's baby...

I don't blame anyone for their own thoughts about their WAS's esp when there is OP involved! But to have a new life to bring into this world & deal w what you are going through must be doubly difficulty.

We all love u here, Sweet!

[NLW]

Hi Sweet,

TG's words are wise. Life is precious, time is finite. We have our kids.

And if it helps at all... you can see that the going on trips/holidays that the WASs do is part of the script.

It helped me to look at it like this. If they do this, it's one more box ticked; one more 'attempt' by them to find what they are looking for. And hence, they are one step closer to coming out the other side of this mlc process. It's like they HAVE to do these things.

Now, no guarantees, I know, that they'll gain some insight, but if you look at it as a necessary part of the 'learning/changing' process for them, it might help you to endure this.

Thinking of you, nlw.

[Sweetbriar]

Im full of mixed emotions tonight! Here I go to rant and vent...

My H took D14 out to dinner last night (usual Wed night)and my D11 didnt want to go. This is becoming the usual...either only D14 goes or neither go...my D11 just doesnt have any interest in him right now and he seems to be okay with it. In fact, its getting pretty annoying that he favors D14 so much...she is always the one he is texting and telling her things.

So, I took D11 out to mall to shop while D14 went with H. I get a text while we are shopping that says:

D14: Hate this dinner
me: What is wrong?
D14: All dad is doing is complaining about money and I want to just go home
me: ask him to stop...talk about something else
D14: Dad keeps crying and so do I
Me: Hunny, Im so sorry

So, when I got home there was an earful from D14. Once again, just inappropriate stuff and this has made me finally realize that he is really mind fu**ing her and Im DONE WITH IT. ( Dont usually talk like that..but Im mad!) I talked to my IC about it on Tuesday and he agreed that there needs to be some boundary and maybe family counseling. I told him Im trying to lay low until after Christmas. I have been told numerous times on this board to get some family help and I have put it off because of the hesitation of the kids not wanting to do it, but I will be bringing this up to H as soon as his Mexico trip is over.

Here are just a few things he said to her last night:

*He was upset that after he texted both girls (at 11:30pm on a school night) that neither responded. He had texted about how they need to appreciate him more and that he had been working all day and his brain was mush.

D14 response: that they were sleeping and that she didnt know what he wanted her to respond with..

*He pays for all the mortgage and bills in the house and that no one appreciates him

*He hates his job and works all the time

*That he would do anything to make her happy and make this better ..to which she responded "then come home and leave OW" and he said I cannot do that.

She asked him if he was still seeing OW and he said yes. She asked when is there time if you are working so much and he said that he hardly gets to see her now. And told D that if he saw them more he wouldnt have to see OW as much (total guilt trip)

She also asked him how he planned on seeing the baby? She told him that he cannot text the new baby and hand him $20 every time he sees him....so what was his plan? He just shook his head...

She told him "you must not be too happy with OW, you are sitting in the middle of a restaurant crying..."

He told her that "mom and I dont click"

He said that "I only care about what you, D11 and mom think of me" D responded "you dont care about what mom thinks of you" and he said that he did. She then asked about if he cared what OW thought of him and he said "yes, but to a different degree"

D asked him what he was doing for Christmas and he said staying at his moms. He told her that he would probably be curled up in a ball sobbing all day. (she should NOT have this in her mind for Christmas day...)

D also told him that he doesn't know her anymore and he said he did and that she was so much like him. She responded that she is nothing like him and he said, "I bet if you were faced with a decision, I could tell you what you would do" I thought this was strange...she is NOTHING Like him..but he seems to think because she is down right now that she is like him in his teenage years. He doesn't see that he CAUSED IT!!! (Just like his parents caused so many of his problems...)

I'm trying to think of more stuff but I just forget it all..it was a mess. She was crying when I got home from the mall and saying that she hated him. Apparently, he also wouldn't stop talking about her going to a friends house the evening of Christmas Eve..he is upset that they don't want to see him even though that was never the plan. There was more..but you get the idea...that he is guilting and shaming her! This will cause more emotional damage to her than anyone, I'm afraid:(

Money and his job is NONE of her concern. And the whole crying in the restaurant over and over is weird to me!!! I just don't know what to make of it. He is obviously struggling bad but still wont realize that he did this. He doesn't see that he is no happier than when he left..in fact...I think he is worse off emotionally.

He has gone through the typical things...hating marriage, hating me, hating God and faith, hating everything ...NOW..he hates his job...

I know I'm all over the board here...bare with me...but I want to back up a bit and earlier in the night, before he got D14 for dinner he had texted me that our insurance is going to change for next year...this is bad since I'm pregnant and need to be with my docs..but I will cross that bridge later..we will be insure no matter what...anyway, he brought up him buying the crib and dresser again and wanted to know if I had picked anything. I told him NO, and he asked if I knew how much that stuff might be...I said NO, but did he want to give me a limit and he said NO, that he wanted good stuff.

So, strange that he is wanting this good stuff but complaining about no money, and he received a collection call for his car payment (NOT in my name thank god...) last night. I texted him to let him know about the call and I got a response this morning saying thanks. I proceeded to ask him (BEAT ME NOW....I DON'T KNOW WHAT GOT INTO ME)

Me: are you ok?
H: why?
Me: Just wondering...
H: some good days, some bad....work is crap and I hate going there...are you ok?
Me: ( I ignorned his question) ever think about home?
H: This time of year is very hard...I am struggling to keep it together
H: There is way too many things in the way of home now, and I don't think it's possible

I just left it at that...so I know...he is in a bad place right now but he continues to get deeper and deeper...instead of just making things better...

I really don't know what got into me to ask him if he was OK...I have not inquired anything about him in a long time and wont again..I have to admit though, that last night for the first time EVER since he has left, I cried because I felt sorry for him. I felt sad for him that he is in such a bad place and that his kids don't want to be with him. They were his pride and joy. I just cried and cried last night...and of course, cried that my kids are having to deal with this too...my poor D14 doesn't deserve to be sad over what her dad is dealing with...its none of her concern and he doesn't see that.

On another note...I got news that my stupid glucose test results were elevated so In for more testing...This is somewhat normal, but another thing on my plate..just kinda feeling sorry for myself...Its almost 5 months that he has been gone..and some days I feel like I'm totally fine and well and others, I just feel like I haven't progressed at all...

Sorry for the ramble..

[littleGTO]

Hi, Sweet,

I know you've talked to H about boundaries concerning your D. He obviously doesn't GET it. Be more specific about what subjects are off the table w her. Help her to know what to say or do if he brings these up. He is not being appropriate and dumping on her is NOT OKAY!

You have every right to be emotional about things. That's why it's called a "roller coaster ride", right? The holidays only escalate things too, so we are all doing our best to get through these. One day at a time.

[knittedscarff]

hi sb - I've been thinking a bit of your situation and I haven't had a chance to catch up on all the posts, I'm sorry to hear things are still do tough.

I agree with the idea that your daughter needs to put boundaries up with her father immediately. Something that might help is to give your daughter a bit of guidance on how to do it.

So when he I appropriately texts or she feels overwhelmed she can establish a code with him, like just a short series of letters to him so he knows HE is crossing a line. Something like tmi or nn (not now) or have her come up with her own.

Have you had a chance to talk more about her drug use and sexual activity? You don't have to post it here but thin how tempting it would be to check out for her under this stress. Sorry it's this way for now.

If anything, the more he whines the more she will learn through experience on how to deal with him...and that not necessarily a bad thing. Good luck!

[Sweetbriar]

I have been reading others posts on here and there are many whose H and W's want to be with their kids on Christmas Day and be there in the morning to open gifts. My H has not even asked or had any desire to participate in ANY holiday things with us at all. He is taking the kids tonight to his parents house for their Christmas and it will be the first time my kids have seen their grandparents (his parents) since early July. Neither want to go, but know they need to see their dad during the holidays.

I didn't think that the celebration at his parents would effect me, as I never was close with them..only my BIL and SIL and their kids..but I find myself a bit sad today over me not going. I know its the holidays and the nostalgic feelings of going there every year since we have been married to be with his family...but I just keep remembering years past. Its so hard

To my sitch, my H is no longer spewing anything negative and nasty to me, which is nice. We don't talk hardly at all (in fact, like never..) but when we do talk or text, its pleasant. I feel like this is a sign that he knows I'm going to be okay with this, and he is moving forward with his plans. I cant help but to think that these sitchs I read about where the H stays around and calls and comes by and hangs out here and there have more hope than mine. My H just left in Aug and really never has made any attempt to come back at all...he has not been in our house for more than 5 minutes at a time since he left. He comes, quickly grabs the kids and leaves and now, he is back to dropping them off and driving away...no coming in. I guess this is better for my and my emotional being, but I still want to have hope and it seems that I am slowly realizing that he is more gone than ever.

This Christmas, I know I am blessed, but there is a void. I just dont understand how he can not have feelings of what used to be and especially on Christmas morning when the kids (even as teens) would run downstairs to the excitement of opening presents, listening to Christmas music, taking pictures, and eating a nice home cooked Christmas breakfast. How can he not be here? How can he not think about that stuff and get sad that he is missing out on so much? I just dont understand...becuase Im so sad about it and Im here to see it this year! I still get to enjoy my kids and my house and our traditions...

I hope he thinks about us on Christmas morning and remembers...

[Accuray]

I feel like this is a sign that he knows I'm going to be okay with this, and he is moving forward with his plans.

This is actually a sign that the black cloud over your head is disappearing and you are becoming "safe" to talk to, without having to fear shame, recrimination and guilt. This is a *good* thing SB and a sign that what you are doing is effective.

I hope he thinks about us on Christmas morning and remembers...

You are creating an expectation and a hope, and setting up a scenario for him to disappoint you when he doesn't remember with the timing or in the way you want. Expect *nothing* and you won't be disappointed. If he does reach out, it will be a pleasant surprise and not just an expectation met.

Accuray

[JuneReN]

Sorry Sweets, been absent too long.. Listen , D convos? They have to stop. He issuing her to get all the info back to you without having to tell you. This is not fair to your D at all.

This has to be a boundary now. Sit H down and tell him it is inappropriate to treat your D like an adult confident, but at same time, manipulate her like a child. I suggest family counselling right away.

I know this is tough, hang in okay?

Your D does not seem to be gaining any real quality time with her dad, so less communication is not a bad thing if she doesn't want to see him. Can always block text number as well if absolutely necessary and he does not respond well to the set boundary.

But try to see counsellor first, then you have an opening with " the counsellor feels that...." And trust me the counsellor will have big things to say on this!

[JuneReN]

He's using her not issuing..... Sheesh

[eyesopen]

Sweetbriar,

I sometimes feel down as well when my w is just nice. I think I am scared too that, that is just how it will be. But accuray put it nicely, we are finally safe. I think this is the time to show them the person they are giving up.

I hear what you are saying about Christmas. During a conversation I had with my w shortly after BD, she stated how we would do Christmas together, and have dinner together a few times a month. Well so far we have attended two of my d school functions together. I guess what I am trying to say is you aren't alone.