FY, Your w's comment about looking like the bad guy is tyical mlc talk. At least she's aware of how people would think. Is it a good sign? It's not a "good sign", per se, but awareness of how people would think about about her and the situation. I imagine after a couple of seconds her mind was already on something else. It is a blip on the radar screen because she's going to do what she needs to do to heal. Mlcers tend to say things that actually sound rational, but then they turn around and say or do something irrational. So, you have to take what she says w/a grain of salt.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
No, it is not a good sign because they build resentment towards you through their guilt. You will be to blame in her mind for her being the bad guy and will take it out on you viciously. I just went through that 30 minutes ago when she ranted that her parents have been on her about this mess. also the kids are mad at her. Then I tried to speak with her rationally about her lack of deposits to the joint account for expenses and we are in debt. Says she has no more and can't even afford snow tires. Yet she drops a ton on nails, make-up, spas etc etc. Apparently this is my fault. Then she took the dog for only 10 minute walk...he needs a lot more than that as he is a hunting dog yet she wants the kids and te dog. It was the first time she walked him in 2 weeks. This too is my fault apparently. So no, her guilt of being the bad guy will only raise her tension and resentment towards you.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
If you haven't seen it yet, FM, it really doesn't matter what you do. She'll find a way to build resentment against you regardless of what you do. Think about it. In this case, you didn't make her choices for her. She did. But she's twisting it to blame you and is building resentment about it. Did you do the wrong thing? I don't think so.
Is it a good sign if they build anger? Sometimes because that means they at least "feel" something. Anger is the easiest tool to use to express their feelings, and as the old saying goes, if the only tool you have is a hammer, all your problems begin to look like nails
She had an affair. She wants to leave.
How is that your fault again? It's not. It's her choices. If it was about you, she wouldn't have to be angry. Remember that; it helps
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Ain't it the truth. But what now. Are you saying she has feelings for me, albeit bad? They say the opposite of love in not hate, but rather indifference. This is not indifference. This is hate and lost hope.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
She may have bad feelings toward you. When I say that's sometimes better than no feelings, I'm saying that's better for her. It's something they go through.
That doesn't make it pleasant nor does it mean it'll work out the way you want. But it's change and it's feeling.
Make sense?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Sort of. Better for her to cope? But if she can't cope why go through this? What do you mean it is change? In your sitch did the hate and anger go away and if so how did you help with that and where are you now? Did they come back aboard. She just fought now again with my D10 and she came crying to me. The W cannot put up with her and I deal with the tears and frustration. W treats her now like she treats me and spoils D14.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
The anger is "good" in that she still feels "something", and it is a root cause of mlc...all this unresolved anger at others, self, life...whatever. They don't know what to do with it, and of course they can't figure out right now where it is coming from, hopefully, as they move through the crisis, they figure it out and stop taking it out on others. My W was nasty, evil, psycho for quite some months until she exhausted it and somehow looked within and started piecing it together. So, yes, the hate and anger CAN go away, but not guaranteed, especially if they don't look within at some point.
Yes, they do pick a favorite child it seems, usually the one that challenges them least. W had actually switched favorites during her anger phase from the youngest to the middle one, who was/is lower maintenance. Protect the kids, tell them in age appropriate terms what is going on (mine did their own research afterwards) tell them over and over, "It's not YOU she is mad at, don't take it personally"!
What did I do to help? Stayed as much out of her way as possible. I only intervened when she went too far with one of the kids, or with me a few times. Yes, doormat-ish, but by choice. I picked my battles carefully...I mean there is no point in arguing with a crazy angry person, right? What rational argument will sway an irrational person? It's an exercise in futility. But W did test the crap out of my Mr. Spock alter-ego though...
I asked her, when she was spewing, over and over, "Is it something I did, or related to me, W?" As time went on, eventually she figured out that she had not been mad at me for a while, then that started her figuring out what/who it really was. It's a tough, but necessary part of the process, imo.
As the anger burned itself out, I slowly re-inserted myself, more boundaries, more calling her on her crap, politely, logically, without emotion and without being played into a argument (that was tough). Oh, most importantly, non-judgmentally.
We are getting back to "normal", sorta, still more work, but she at least now can identify what she is angry at, and if it is me, and is accurate, we work through it.
My 2.5 cents... Hope that helps some!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I haven't read DR or DB, don't know much about MLC, but from reading this thread, I wonder if that's me.
I'm a big believer in my capacity for self delusion. Anytime I indulge in some introspection, I'm consciously aware of the bias I bring and the tendency to make myself the hero, or more often the victim.
The well-worn script in my head interpreted various actions/inactions/words of my W and kids to be evidence of their rejection. No need to say anything about it because it won't be validated. Woe is me.
Occasionally something would slip out, and the subsequent conversation with W would usually bring out some facts or interpretation I didn't think of. She's so much smarter than me, and has a much better memory. Usually left with me being or having the problems. And I'd generally accept it.
But recently I've begun to realize that it isn't all me. Sure, I've got my part to play in this sex-starved marriage, but so does she. We both need to figure out the other's love language.
So a lot of MLC stuff I identify with in this thread isn't just because I'm trying to justify myself. It's because I've got feelings that I'm trying to figure out and haven't been able to. Yeah, confusion. I'm glad I'm starting to see the road out, and that W seems receptive.
I thought that I would add to this thread some thoughts about re-written history.
As it is well documented that MLC'er rewrite history I also think that LBS'ers rewrite history also.
At the beginning when BD occurs we are all very surprised that this has happened, we could not see it - I think I wrote that a sledgehammer hit me on the head. Later as time moves along and we detach and learn things about MLC we start to see some of the signs that we missed along the way. So are we re-writing history as we observe from a different perspective? Certainly there are always more than one side to every story. You know the right side, the left side and the inside.....
So rewritten history is possibly the side that we are not seeing. The side that is viewed from a foggy, obtuse, head. And of course an LBS also can be foggy. They fail to see things and go through, denial, anger, bargaining, depression. Normally everything that is said by the one in crisis has some grains of truth in it. But those are then spun into an entirely different way of looking at the whole picture.
I think this is true, Cadet. I know that as I look back on my marriage and relationship with H, I remember events or things said by him and look at them in a whole new way in light of what I now know. And what I think I know is constantly changing. H is on a journey of self discovery, I'm finding, and so am I. So I find it interesting that I can look back multiple times on something that happened and generate different feelings, questions, or even offshoot memories each time I think about it depending upon my thoughts, emotions, recent interactions with H, or point in my own journey at that point in time.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
