I suppose the newcomer area is the best place for an introduction. I've been scouring these boards for the last two days since I googled, 'female mid-life crisis'. The good news is that my wife fits EVERY SINGLE symptom, the bad news is that my wife fits EVERY SINGLE symptom. Then I come here and I'm reading through all of these posts and all of this pain and heartache - and I'm comforted that I'm not alone... but I'm so heart broken because I know exactly where each person is who is writing these posts.
So my story - first of this month, my W is really withdrawn. Now, I'll admit - I am a know it all and a fixer. I'm sure a lot of people can identify with the initial cycle of, me reaching out, her pulling back, me reaching further, her pulling further, me getting frustrated, her closing off, me - not knowing what's going on, and my brain feeling like it's going to explode, turns into a yelling match... and her walking out the door.
So, I spend the last month, blaming myself, trying to convince her that I want to change and control my temper... and I have been, through the Grace of God - I've spent more time in the Bible and on my knees praying than I ever have in my life... and all I get is more and distance. Which is frustrating... but instead of yelling, I'm praying.
Then, two nights ago - I was just praying for some peace... and (no I didn't hear voices) I almost heard a whisper, "Mid-Life Crisis"... which didn't make sense at first because my wife isn't really anywhere near 'mid life'... she's 36 and I'm 40. But I googled it, all of the symptoms where there. The 'I don't feel like I love you the way I should', the 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you'... and the worst was, 'I love you because you're the father of my child.. just like her last ex'. Uhhh...
Now, that I've been reading this I understand a LOT better that this has been in the works for a long time. I work away from home a lot. I spent 2 weeks at a time on a drilling rig, and 2 weeks home. While I was away in March, she began a EA with her 'personal trainer'. Now, she's said time and time again that there was no physical, but she doesn't understand the damage that an EA can have. Anyway... that turned into an argument, where I was 500 miles away from home and she closed off and I felt like I was in a tin can half a world away. But, with our pastor's help - a lot of prayer, we got through that. I took a lot more interest in her goals and interest. I joined the gym with HER... yes, she spends a LOT of time in the gym... and I'd do the dishes with her, and I'd help her with the yard work and I changed jobs so I could be home... and then this.
Now, the job change didn't work out as well as I hoped... we took an extreme hit in our income and that has been a huge stress. I'm back out on a drillig rig now, to make money to pay the bills. We do have a lot of debt. We were trying to start our own small business, and we both put a TON of work, but the money wasn't coming in fast enough to cover what was going out and the bills.
She has been the typical stay at home mom. She had her first baby at 16. All of her life, she has been mom and wife. Her mom and dady split when she was like 15, and by 16 she was pregnant and married. I understand that she feels like she's never 'done anything' with her life... except be awesome wife and mom (which in my book is the greatest thing in the world. I understand that even at our business, she felt like she was just an employee at my business... that's not true, but that's how she felt.
And all is not lost. I know she hasn't changed her relationship status on her facebook wall. I know she's at home now taking care of her kids, my kids and our kid. I know she's paying the bills from there, making sure I have money on my CC to get groceries and whatever I need up here. She is still working in our shop, putting out orders while I'm up here... which isn't easy, but she does a great job at it. She's put out probably $2000 worth of products this week alone. She's running CNC machines, large format printers, heat presses. All I've done is the computer work and sent it to her. We do still communicate on work issues... barely.
But she's created a wall around herself, where if it's not something she wants right now, she doesn't see it. I don't KNOW that there's any other affairs going on right now... I don't THINK there any other men in her life, but I believe she could be questioning her own sexuality... I think that this could have a lot to do with it and why she won't explain it to me. One of her new 'friends'... that she got really close to right before the blow up... is a flaming lesbian (to each their own I'm not judging) and I've noticed that every time I see my wife she's wear her clothes, they post stuff to each other on facebook. (I know, facebook is evil, but when your 1000 miles from home like I am now, it's an easy way to keep in touch with friends and family at home).
Anyway... I'm rambling. I found this place, and it has identified for me what is actually happening. It hasn't fixed anything yet, but it's given me a starting gate at least, instead of wandering, floundering around trying to figure out what in the world happened to my dear sweet wife.
