Stop The D

[Spartan]

Right or wrong I've calmed down. I'm going to give her benefit of doubt that case went long and couldn't call. She called a few minutes ago and seemed disappointed she missed out on night. I'm glad I can vent on these boards and clear my head. I am concerned that I still have a tendency to mistrust her even when I'm trying to force myself to trust again. Most of time I'm doing better but still having issues with it. At least she hasn't seen it and only you guys have to deal with it.

Side thing D7 lost her front tooth tonight which was excited. My son was like a coach yelling "pull it!" It was fun.

[Rick1963]

Spartan take a deep breath. Time to live buddy. Be who u were. Life has so much to offer just go get it. I know easier said than done. Take good care of the kiddos as u are. Don't worry about her. I can only imagine how much you are hurting. This is very painful. It takes time my friend lots of time. So don't force it. Just be. Ok?

[Spartan]

Thanks Rick and I hear what you're saying. I really am feeling good about where I'm at 90% of the time. I can honestly say almost every day I look in the mirror I'm a little happier at who is looking back at me. When I think about the past several years there's no way I would have said that before BD. I may have acted like it to others but I don't think deep down I really liked myself or who I had become. My mom visited earlier today and even commented that she's shocked how upbeat I seem and how much more content I've been lately.

I've been trying to stop worrying about what she's doing (which is harder then I think it should be) but I really hate seeing my kids disappointed and my "crazy cycle thoughts" took over for a little bit. I'm not even sure it would have bothered me that much tonight if it wouldn't have been for them wondering where she was and why she wasn't home. I do believe she got caught in a case tonight but my thoughts earlier were that maybe she went out after work with friends and didn't have the decency to even call or text to let the kids know. I need to really continue to work on that because absolutely no value comes from those types of thoughts. I do feel bad that I use this thread sometimes as a venting thread so you guys really see the dirt in my head in real time but so far it has stopped me from doing anything dumb in real life. I guess that's what really counts.

W got home just after I posted earlier and we had a nice talk and hung out for about an hour. She looked exhausted again but I was able to make her laugh a few times and she told me a lot about her day. I do see some progress being made in the becoming friends again department.

[labug]

If your wife has been doing this for a living for a while, you know that she can't walk out of a case and call her H. Don't let your insecurity worsen the situation for you or the kids. I work in a similar job and sometimes I'm home at 7, sometimes 8, sometimes 9 and I don't always have the ability to call. My family just understands that mom gets home when mom gets home.

Would it work better if you didn't tell the kids a time?

I don't think you can force yourself to trust. Let go of that but when those doubting thoughts creep in remind yourself that you don't know what she's doing but it could very well be what she told you, working.

Only you can control your mind and where it goes.

[Spartan]

I hear everything you're saying and agree. I think last night had more to do with kids then me. I really hate when my kids feel let down by a parent because that's how I lived a large part of my life with my dad. Strange part last night is she actually had a scrub tech leave the case to let us know she was stuck in a case not going right. I think she did everything right and I couldn't control my thoughts. Thankfully it didn't last long and I contained it to my thoughts and to this board. All is good this AM and we have full day planned.

I do need to figure out how to control these thoughts better so I don't feel the need to run here to vent.

[labug]

You can run here to vent, that's what it's for and I think it helped you control your thoughts.

But I also think you can help your kids manage the disappointment or even avoid the disappointment. If she continues in this position, this will always be apart of their lives.

This could be a growth step for all of you.

How can you help your kids with this?

[Spartan]

Reading Happiness Trap at D7 gymnastic practice and this quote was in first section I read, thought it applied to me pretty well:

"In ACT, our main interest in a thought is not whether it's true or false, but whether it's helpful; that is, if we pay attention to this thought will it help is create the life we want?"

[Spartan]

How can you help your kids with this?

I usually explain to them mom is at work and we move on to something else and all is fine. We've gotten accustomed to it (she's been doing surgery for over 10 years) so I'm really not sure what the deal was with us yesterday. For whatever reason I didn't do anything and let their questioning get to me.

I didn't think about it until your post but by letting them keep questioning I didn't do them or my W any favors either. I won't let the kids get worked up again no matter my mood or what's occupying me. Thanks for making me see that side of things.

[labug]

You became stuck in the anxiety of what she "might" be doing. Being mindful and accepting of my emotions has helped me to not be stuck in things I have no control over and focus on what I do have control over. Me.

I went to a conference this summer and there was a workshop on ACT. If that book is speaking to you, delve into the process more, use it daily with seemingly trivial things. That way it's easier to call it up when the big stuff hits.

[RegretfulLA]

I will say, Spartan, that my H made HUGE assumptions about what I was doing, thinking, believing all the time. He accused me of stuff that wasn't remotely true and wouldn't listen to me when I tried to explain. Yes, in my sitch, he has a reason not to trust me... that is very true. But it all started with assuming things on his end, which came out of his own insecurities about himself and our R.

Just something to think about. You're doing great though. The fact that you're here, the fact that you can recognize what you're doing is to be commended.