And it was controlling on my part. I wanted him to be who I needed him to be.
Stop texting and emailing and see what happens.
Let him be who he is.
I hear you. He is the one who wanted to be friends so he should be driving this train. You are right it is still a form of controlling behaviour on my part.
NC won't work, but LC will. NC was a ploy in our marriage to show we were angry hurt or disappointed.
I will see him tonight and almost everyday over the next few days. So no need to contact again.
That's right. Remember, you are moving on with your life.... let H see how happy you are without him. Of course, you've been physically separated for so long, it's not much of a change - and BTW, that's why he was able to detach - he did it a long time ago.
Seriously - remember, you are a hot mama and you don't need no stinkin' H... you have your own wonderful life with wonderful things and wonderful friends and wonderful kids. Believe that you do.
I was chatting with a close friend of mine who is going through D, telling her I finally had realized that 1) H is not going to change 2) H is treating me like crap and 3) I can do better. She told me, "That's right. And the only person who doesn't know that is YOU."
So listen up Ruby... H is not going to change, he's treating you like crap, and you DESERVE better. OK? You have more important stuff to do than wait for him to text you back!!!!!
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Lol! Thanks Regretful, but he really isn't treating me like crap, it's just the expectation game and I started it so really my fault. You are right though, I deserve more and I deserve better, so I will stop setting myself up for anything that eats away at who I want to be. The whole pursue retreat thing is going on here....so I will stop it now that I recognize it.
We had an apartment in the city because commute was long. He has been in city M-F for four years and back on weekends. Of course we would talk several times a day and I would stay at apt a couple of days and he would switch to country home, when I had class etc etc. end of September, he was done with marriage and me
Last night D had her concert, and H and I went .. Very pleasant, kid talk, schedule talk, comments on concert. One thing I noticed about H is that he made no complaints about length of concert or any of the acts that were a little ear straining or looked at all put out. When D has had things like this at school or whatever, there have always been comments. I really liked that about him last night. I went in with the mind that I would smile and enjoy every last kid who had the guts to get up on that stage and perform their heart out whether or not the key in which they sang was an actual known one lol! I also made myself a promise not to criticize D when she said, " not that great, huh." She went on to say "oh I can tell by Moms face..,".
I replied" I am so very proud of you D. I cannot believe you have the guts to get up and perform in front of all these people. That is amazing"
So, practicing my 180, where I would criticize before, I found something to praise instead.
Last night, H was off to SILs bar/resto to meet up with nephew and say hi. A band was playing and although it would have been nice to see them, I thought I wouldn't go. Then, one of y friends, who was also at concert, said she and H were singing there as well tonight and I shouLd come.
So, I told H the story and asked if he minded if I went to see friend sing. He said of course not.
Got there, and one of my best friends was there with husband. Thank goodness because I was not sure who I would hang with and didn't necessarily want to hang with H ( even though I wanted to, if that makes sense).
Well, a funny thing happened, although I was aware of him on and off during the few hours, I found myself forgetting he was there. More of my friends showed up and we had a great time.
I may have gone with the intention of seeing my friend sing and perhaps showing I am capable of what? Having a good time too? Not too sure, but the cool thing it wasn't to say" ha,ha look at the great time I am having" simply because I did not know friends would be there. That I ended up having such a good time was a bonus.
So H leaves before me, comes over to tell friend to take care of me tomorrow at dinner, kisses friend and me goodbye and is very touchy with me?..as he leaves I just let my fingers trail a little out of his and say goodbye.
I leave shortly after because my friend will give me a ride. I find I cannot drink any alcohol at this weight lol! She agrees H was particularly touchy as well.
I get home and thank H by text for some food he brought because I am eating it lol...starving!!
He replies with a few things:
All the guys now know I am single, so to watch out. Me: that gene pool has been peed in one too many times
The town is mine ( basically he has no friends here is what he is saying, no one will talk with him) Me: then I see you a family (his all live here) and raise you a bar (his sister runs the local bar as I have said and he is always welcome there and the employees are more sympatico i think, with him, even though I also work there)
He texts back lol and says New Year's Eve is also mine out here, since other activity group of friends are not quite ready to welcome him back yet. Me: I didn't reply, blatant pity grab.
Then he goes on to say he is cutting day with kids tomorrow short.. He is probably heading back to see gf, I know he is spending Xmas eve in city, most likely with her. However, he is then cutting Ds training short and she misses today as well due to H s family dinner. So I am going to let him know that I think D should train full day tomorrow and since I work I can make arrangements for someone else to bring her home.
I think this half day thing is a feel sorry for myself, must run back to city and GF where I am happy and not conflicted.
I will remain pleasant, happy and will speak to him when he comes for D today ( she is helping cook) about her training tomorrow. This is a get out of Dodge manoeuvre and that is fine. But to impact Ds training is not cool with me.
That's it. That's my day. GAL tonight, work tomorrow, cookies and little Xmas eve dinner chez moi with kids, and I am almost through my first Christmas.
Main Goals: 1) Rebuild his trust in me, be consistent with 180's is necessary for that.
2) Provide emotional intimacy down the road, if R progresses, without the demanding of anything back-consciously or subconsciously.
3)Be in exactly the same place whether we reconcile or not.
As to training, I told H that I would like D to have a full day but knew he wanted to leave at lunch. Said S would be happy to only ski 1/2 day, but since D missed one day last week and today, that I would like her to ski a full day. So I said that I had asked if some friends would drop her off, if it was okay with him. He said sure and I said should I make her a lunch (thereby taking responsibility for the change in plans...)and I get to do that too...
I think I handled it well, even though I am a bit pissed because he was supposed to have then full day.....
Today atSIL bar I dropped in to say hi to two employees Merry Xmas etc.
One woman asked where H was Xmas eve and I said "back in the city probably spending it with his G F"
They didn't know. I asked them not to say anything esp. Since D doesn't know, but said I thought that she may have been here before because H told me that his S asked if GF could come and work because she was short staffed.
Well, they were really shocked at SILs balls lol! Me too, but that was a previous post and I have since let it go, but am much warier for it.
My question is that we are very slowly rebuilding trust and if he does not hear it from me the gossip mill will bring it back with what added flavours one does not know. We already had a miscommunication at beginning of week ( all my fault of course?..no sarcasm here) and I just apologized and left it at my poor communication skills.
So, do I tell now or let it be? Trust me, if these two employees know, everyone knows
