Confused at Where I am - Part 2

[ForeverYoung]

Wife said a couple of weeks ago that her and OM had a long talk and that she informed him that she was not in a position to be in a relationship with him with everything else that was going on in her life.

Like her marriage to you? Sandi2 would say this is disrespectful of her to even tell you this.

Wife and I have been getting on well last while. Im not sure what to make of it however.

Getting on well like she's committing to the M?

Based on all this, wife at the moment is still planning on leaving as of Jan 1st

Oops, I guess no on the commitment.

My gut says she is still at least talking to OM if not meeting him.

Should I then stick to my guns in terms of the separation?

Our guts are usually right. Unless she is willing to cut off the OM totally, or you're willing to allow her to eat cake, it seems you may have to "stick to your guns".

[GH31]

Thanks for the replies.

You're welcome.

Wife said a couple of weeks ago that her and OM had a long talk and that she informed him that she was not in a position to be in a relationship with him with everything else that was going on in her life.

Bull.

Utter rubbish.

Rule Number 1: All Cheaters Lie.

How do you know they're lying? Their mouths are moving.

I'm not sure where they stand at this point as I have stopped buying my ticket to their show.

They're still involved with each other, one way or another.

Good that you've gotten rid of the ticket to their drama.

Wife and I have been getting on well last while.

Good.

Im not sure what to make of it however.

Just keep it up whilst you're under the same roof. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated, parasited off (your instinct will tell when this is happening) or have your chain yanked.

Be fun, reliable, strong, masculine and engaged with her whilst she's still home.

Based on all this, wife at the moment is still planning on leaving as of Jan 1st

She may do or she may not.

Believe 50% of what you see and 0% of what you hear.

My gut says she is still at least talking to OM if not meeting him.

Your gut is right.

Trust it.

Should I then stick to my guns in terms of the separation?

YES!

[JamesH]

So everything was good then wife shows up from shopping this morning and says 'I have your Christmas present in the car. I know we are separating and moving forward but I wanted you to have this".

In the car was a $700 home theater sub woofer even though we agreed that we would only spend $100 or so on one present each.

I was stunned and upset and told her that I didn't feel comfortable accepting it.

I said it was a fantastic gift but under the circumstances it didn't seem like a good idea.

She has now been quiet with me for the rest of the day!

Maybe I should have just accepted it but it felt like a bribe or a payoff.

Did I over react?

[ForeverYoung]

It probably was guilt driving her decision to buy it for you. Even so, I think it would be appropriate to just say something like "you really shouldn't have bought me this, I thought we had an agreement" but then accept it.

Don't let it change your gifting plans.

[JamesH]

So wife left yesterday evening for her first night at rental house. Didnt take much with her except essentials.

She was pretty upset when she left and texted me a couple of times up until 6:30 pm ish. She said she had to try and do this.

At 11:30pm I get a message saying she is coming home because she is scared and lonely. I didnt say anything and sure enough she walks through the door a little before midnight and gets into bed.

Again I said nothing.This morning she told me that she just paced up and down crying at the new place and couldnt stand it.

Im so lost and confused at this point that I have no idea how to react anymore!

This doesnt seem productive to me but I dont want to shut the door on her at the moment as she seems so confused herself.

I feel that I should enforce the separation at this point but I am heading for a leisure trip to Las Vegas on Jan 8th and she was going to be staying here for that week anyway. Im thinking I should maybe let it slide until I return but I dont want to appear weak to her.

Suggestions?

[SM34]

You need GH31 or one of the veterans! This is completely confusing. i have been following your sitch because it is similar to mine in that their is an OM and also W is still living with you. I would be very confused. On the one hand it is good that she was not able to stay there alone, but on the other hand it wasn;t because she missed you. Not sure what to make of it my man.. but I'll be watching this for a response from the big dogs since I am curious!

[GH31]

So wife left yesterday evening for her first night at rental house. Didnt take much with her except essentials.

No surprises there.

Did you offer to help her move her non-essential things?

She was pretty upset when she left and texted me a couple of times up until 6:30 pm ish.

No surprises there.

She said she had to try and do this.

Two quotes come to mind:

"If at first you don't succeed, try try again"

and

"There is no "try". There is either do or not do." - Yoda

At 11:30pm I get a message saying she is coming home because she is scared and lonely.

No surprises there.

You've got to love that Reality Stick.

I didnt say anything and sure enough she walks through the door a little before midnight and gets into bed.

She still has keys to get back in?

Into bed with you or into a different bed?

Again I said nothing.This morning she told me that she just paced up and down crying at the new place and couldnt stand it.

No surprises there.

That's the fantasy crumbling - the wonderful sounds of the Reality Stick breaking it apart.

Im so lost and confused at this point that I have no idea how to react anymore!

Don't react.

RESPOND.

And feel free to take days to do so. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

This doesnt seem productive to me but I dont want to shut the door on her at the moment as she seems so confused herself.

She needs to spend more time with Reality.

Can you ask her, help her to move out again?

Say to her "I love you W, but your affair is destroying my love for you. Please move out as soon as possible. If you find yourself in a position to have complete and utter verifiable "no contact" with OM for the rest of Eternity then I will be willing to discuss our future together. Until then we are to have no contact."

I feel that I should enforce the separation at this point

I would agree with you.

but I am heading for a leisure trip to Las Vegas on Jan 8th and she was going to be staying here for that week anyway. Im thinking I should maybe let it slide until I return but I dont want to appear weak to her.

Go and have a GREAT time in Vegas!!

If you already agreed she would be home for that week, fair enough. Can you ask her to be goneby the time you get back, and all of her stuff?

Also, switch your phone off for the entire time you're in Vegas and give her the gift of missing you.

Be strong.

GH31

[SM34]

Awesome response! Makes perfect sense. The reality stick never fails to best the sense into someone, or in our cases best the fantasy out of our wives. This is a good step for your sitch but instead that you have to press harder.... The lesson has not sunken in yet!

[JamesH]

So, its Feb 6th.

Shes been gone a while now. Still talking to me but I know she is seeing him.

We have had some heated moments but I have resigned myself to the fact that the only way I can win this marathon is slow and steady and be the good guy and father when I see her.

She has a house rental that she cant really afford, is never there and always at her mothers with our kids when its her week. Its almost laughable. The best thing is....she still isn't happy!

Seeing as I cant do anything about the other man, Im hoping if I let her get on with it, it will all die its own death anyway.

She had day surgery on Monday and asked me to take her. Well, I had offered a while back anyway. She said "there was not anyone else she would rather have go with her".

I dont see any short term reconciliation, at least not whilst she is still somewhat angry with me and also still in fantasy land over the OM. In fact, at this point I dont expect anything. It would be a nice bonus down the line, but Im starting to be more comfortable with myself and my own life. Im making new friends and getting out a lot more.

Bottom line, life goes on. I would rather it be with her but I am coming to terms with life without her.

[JamesH]

I do think the "realty stick" is having an effect. I can tell all is not well with her.

I don't know if things aren't going as well as she hoped with OM or if the stress of living on her own / at mothers is getting to her.

I have a suspicion that OM is not as keen as once was but that may be wishful thinking on my part.