i'm curious if my sit is unique, but at the same time, see if i can find mutual support from H/W where the W/H are still at home and possibly in an EA.....i'm going to retell a little bit now....
i had lost my job. had to find work far, far away (53 miles one way). grueling and demanding job, but the rewards are easy advancement opportunity in a great company. i neglected basics around the home and i neglected basics around my relationship with my wife. i was a pretty good dad, but she bore most of the planning and i tended to be the one to help execute. regardless, the consistent time of a grueling workload, ONE car, financial mismanagement, and the throws of the 2nd child stacked us up against some sizable circumstances.....throw in some fiercly independent minds......the accumulation of years of conversations tainted with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (the 4 horsemen) had left us both very raw. many conversations would start harshly and unfortunately, most conversations end with the same tone they start with. when i would get hurt, i would get flooded and retreat or tune out; i hunkered down and believed things would get better, "it was only our current circumstances" i would tell myself. we would reach back out to one another and make repair attempts, but i think that became more difficult to do. finally, her bad memories of "us" stacked up against our positive ones and her negative sentiment override has taken over.
i've got my own story to all of this, but this is some of the basic information she has communicated to me.....the intimacy and tender care to our romance was non-existent and even the friendship factor had it's faltering moments. she lost respect for me, as a husband, as a protector, as a leader. i was only a mediocre friend. she had limited herself, holding herself back, by being so co-dependent and looking to me for direction and leadership she was not getting (ouch). i was offering no safety, no security, no sense of vision. she had a fear of success. she saw our marital problems as severe, talking had become useless, loneliness was a constant companion, and she had started to picture what a parallel life might look like.
she officially "checked out" when we moved her to KY. i got sick and Granny died at the same time. i was so sick and she was taking care of me and mourning the death of her Grandmother very strongly. when i got out of the hospital, she was so tired and so was i. the day i got out of the hospital, i laid on the couch and had the TV on. she wanted me to turn it off. i felt like it was helping me to relax and rest. she proceeded to destroy it. i reacted very negatively: instead of reaching out to her and sending her to bed, i told her to get out and take a walk. she broke down and has since told me that this was the nail in the coffin. she would never entrust her heart to me again. she didn't tell me, but had made up her mind.
then, things got quiet, seemingly better, but no news didn't mean good news, it meant she had given up and stopped trying to fix our marriage. i didn't know what was going on inside of her, but now realize she had started retreating. even though the overt criticism and arguing had gone down. i did know that things couldn't just magically get better and we'd be best to start counseling together. we started seeing a marriage counselor (albeit not a very good one....that was something we could agree about!). i think the counseling though only served to reminder her of her pain and was a kickstarter for her to gather up enough gumption to tell me she wanted to divorce. i had thought things were getting better. i was devastated. fell apart. pleaded. begged. pursued.
then, weeks later, i had found out she had met someone else when we first moved here. there meeting was brief, but was so strong and memorable to her. she began an infatuation with him and thought she had fallen in love with him. nothing was reciprocal on his side, but he had slowly become the safer and better friend in her mind. he is the one that told me. that is how i found out.
her take now is that, if she could, she would have her own place so she can be alone and get true day-to-day peace. she basically wants to hunker down, become more financially strong and independent. once she is there, she will separate herself and make her final decision about the divorce. in KY, you can't be granted a divorce until you've been physically separated for 1 year. she thinks we can still be great co-parents and even great friends, but the trust that accompanies companionship love is gone.
her latest great plan is one where she is free from me as her husband and living a wildly successful life as a strong woman
