BELIEVE me, the no-divorce idea was not something that I took lightly or decided immediately. It took about 6 months of personal counseling before I made the decision that my marriage was worth working on and trying to save. We do have children, but that is not why I'm staying. I've been through a divorce before (with a child), so I fully understand that two people should not stay married solely for their children. And as far as threats and ultimatums go, that again took about 6 months of therapy to realize that they don't work, they don't inspire trust, and they just end up pushing her further away.
As far as boundaries and deal breakers go, physical abuse towards myself or my children would be the only thing that would cause me to leave my marriage immediately. I think that most other things can be addressed in counseling, when needed. However, getting cheated on again would be another dealbreaker.
And that's where my conundrum is. Since last year, I have said over and over again, whenever I hear her lie, "That's not true. Please tell me the truth." The problem I have is that I can't ever say that without getting angry. My anger scares her, gives her reason to shut down, and we just stop talking. So the real question is: How do I keep saying that, so that I stand up for myself, so that the message that I will not accept being lied to is crystal clear, and do it in a way that inspires trust and shows her that no matter what she tells me, I will not leave her, I will not hit her, and that we can both begin healing as soon as she does?
PS- When my wife was a child, she was severely beaten by her father over things like grades, sports performances, etc. When she was a teen, her mother went to jail for stealing from her employer. So, she has severe abandonment issues, and a VERY unhealthy fear of telling the truth and/or getting caught. Tell the truth- get beat. Get caught- go to jail. These are the underlying issues that we are dealing with.
