James, bear in mind that GH31 and some of the others that have offered their help on my thread are veterans and were successful in getting their wives back. They have done a lot if reading and thinking and understand what goes on in the heads if our walk away wives.
If your wife left or leaves on a bad note, that is all she will remember if life with you. She has to have fond memories of a living and caring husband who loves her unconditionally even when she is hurting you. Then once you show her how much you love her, and then feel she has noticed enough of your changes,you tell her you think she needs to move out or end the relationship with OM because you are hurting too much to maintain a close relationship with her. More than likely she will move out because the dog in their head stops them from seeing that they are only happy with OM because you have been providing her with the unconditional love she needs and that you are the only one who knows her and understands her because of the years you have been together and the kids you share. Then with less contact she will realize that OM does not full the place of her husband. One fight between her and OM which is normal in any relationship at the.begginning and it will start to sink.in that this.person doesn't understand her like you do. They forget the challenges of early relationships, the challenges that you and her have already overcome.years ago. They are blinded by the excitement, the butterflies, the emotions she hasn't had for a long time. They.are just not.thinking.straight. Imagine if she had a disagreement with OM and he lashes out.and.completely disrespected her like you never have. That would cause her to slip into another whirlwind in her head. At.that point she may try to get into.confrontations.with you to try to validate to herself again how she.thinks you are. If you can approach this.calmly and.surprise.her with your reaction, all her preconceived motions of.who.you are become.negated. And OM stops being the better.option. Of course.that is the theory.
Sorry for typos. I am typing.on my phone.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Also you show her how much you love her in the ways that she needs to be shown, in her own love language. Read the 5 love languages
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
EXCELLENT RESOURCE NO EXACTLY WHAT DETACHING IS! MUST READ FOR ALL:
Last edited by dbmod; 01/06/1302:14 AM. Reason: External links not allowed
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
GH31 how can I learn what makes women tick? Do u have any suggested reading?
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
GH31 how can I learn what makes women tick? Do u have any suggested reading?
Read what I recommended to you earlier in this thread. Here are the titles again plus one or two others:
THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage by David Cunningham Attraction Isn't a Choice by David D'Angelo How to Change Yourself by David D'Angelo
Other important titles which were an enormous help to me:
Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley
Get stuck into these books SM34, as well as Michele's Divorce Remedy book.
Get to it.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
HELP! LOL I violated the number one rule in DBing. NO SNOOPING!
I looked through W messages on her phone but not for OM convo. I know he is lame as hell so I don't exhaust any energy or thought to him, What I was concerned with was what my W best friend (at the moment. Her real best friend lives in another state and does not approve of W decision AT ALL). As a refresher, her "best friend" here in town is actually OM's sister in law!
Anyway, the convo with her bestie was as follows:
Friend: Did you start the divorce? Wife: I spoke to H about it but he says he is not ready and I don't want to disrespect him. Friend: Well you know you can start it yourself if you want to be with OM and not H/. Wife: Yes but I cant afford to right now. Friend: Why? Money? Wife: Well that too. But mostly for my daughter. Friend: Are you still going to do MC? Wife: I think so even though I think there is no point. Friend: Yes there is no point.
Another day wife messaging friend from OM house 1.5 hours away from our house:
Friend: Are you at OM house? Wife: Yes Friend: Does husband know? Wife: Yes I would never lie to him about it Friend: Right Wife: I feel so bad though that he has to take care of our daughter on his own. Friend: Well he wouldn't have had to if he took care of his marriage.
This is exactly what I suspected. Her friend is egging her on with this whole thing. Even when my W has a slight doubt or guilt she is telling her not to, because your H should have taken care of you when he could.
Wife: "OM and I are perfect for each other! I know what you are going to say, its only been two weeks Friend: No I was going to say you guys are perfect for each other. He will take good care of you.
So her best friend has found the perfect woman for her brother in law and is pushing her into it and removing any doubts she might be having. Of course I know that this relationshipp is not going to last. This guy has no idea what he has gotten himself into! My wife is high maintenance and has expensive taste. She thinnks it won't be an issue but I know it will. Plus she told me she cant orgasm anymore because of her Zoloft meds. That is a relationship headin for disaster.
On my way to work after reading this, I had to laugh to myself about this whole situation. I cannot believe my perfectly sane and smart wife is falling for this stuff. She knows better than that. She is one of the smartest peoplle I have known when it comes to seeing through people. Not this time though. He promised her he would move to our town and get a job here, and leave his two kids in his old town. He promised to get a second job, he promised he would take care of her expenses. One month later none of that is happening.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Nothing really I guess. I have to go on with what I am doing and ignore all of that. Believe nothing you hear and only 50% of what you see. But it does tell me that I am also up against her best friend who is filling her head with thoughts, and giving W the courage to press on with what we all know (Myself, MIL, her real best friend, and her best gay friend) is the most ridiculous thing she has done in her life. Without this influence, she may have already started to feel at least some guilt. She said it herself, she feels guilty that I have to take care of our daughter when she is gone. But that thought was blocked quickly! Shut down and put in its place. Her best friend from childhood called me several times to ask me more of what is going on. She talks to my W regularly. She said your W is getting counselling from friends who do not know her well, do not know you well, and do not value marriage and the vows you both took that day of your wedding. The do not understand that their counselling is making things worse because they are only validating W bad behavior that will hurt her family and her daughter in the long run. So I was very curious as to how bad the advice is from her supposed best friend right now, and I managed to prove to myself that she is influenceing my W heavily with her BS. This girl met her husband (OM's brother) 3 years ago, got pregnant, got married during her pregnancy and big as a whale, and then has had 2 kids in the span of 3 years with this guy. She has no idea about relationships like my W and I have, were you date for years, you move in together for years, then yu get married and enjoy married life as a couple for years, THEN start having kids. That is a bond that is not easily broken. And I know that after some time my W will regret all of this, I truely believe it. But it could be way sooner if she wasnt getting so close to this girl who is OM's sister in law.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
HELP! LOL I violated the number one rule in DBing. NO SNOOPING!
The only rules in DB are:
1. Do what works 2. Reject what doesn't work
I snooped extensively in my situation and made the East German Ministerium für Staatssicherheit (Stasi) and Soviet KGB look like amateurs.
I'm not suggesting you do it but I did and I don't regret it. Sure it was traumatising but it's better than having your Mrs take you for an utter idiot.
Originally Posted By: SM34
I cannot believe my perfectly sane and smart wife is falling for this stuff.
There is nothing "perfectly sane" about your wife now. That woman you were married to ceased to exist the moment the affair began.
Right now her brain is flooded with a cocktail of putrid "love chemicals" which will render her incapable of sound judgement, rational thought, care, empathy and personal responsibility until further notice. She won't be "herself" again for some time, possibly a couple of years.
Cheating, parasitic, adulterous wives do not respond to appeals or "reason". They do respond to strategy. Study the the threads of successful men to determine what they did.
Meanwhile get to work on you SM34. Address all of the marital crimes you committed during your marriage and take concrete measures to ensure they're never repeated.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Cheating, parasitic, adulterous wives do not respond to appeals or "reason".
I always wonder why someone would want to be married to someone they describe in that way.
So SM34, you snooped and you found out a bunch of stuff that you can really do nothing about. I assume you want to stay married to your W? If your W doesn't want to listen to those friends, she won't. We often seek out people who validate our decisions rather than challenge us when in the midst of a crisis.
And you don't know that the woman is influencing your W, you only know that she is talking to your W.
It is the truth that all you can do is work on you. Figure out who it is you want to show the world and work to get there.
Allow your W to be who she is.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
