Cantslowdown, I'm certainly not a saint, and I'm not beyond lying. For example, I've been known to call in sick for work when I really wasn't sick. But I can say I've ever lied to anyone I cared about, and definitely never to H. In fact, I grew up thinking it would be wonderful to have people think about me as the person they could go to if they really wanted an honest opinion. I'm the one that would tell you that you had something black stuck in your teeth, while everyone else sees it but won't tell you and just let you keep on talking.
But I've learned that's pretty unique, and most people don't really want honesty, or to be honest for that matter. It's easier to live in ignorance, and to live selfishly when the only cost is a few twisted words. I haven't actually picked up lying, but I have certainly become less honest. That doesn't mean I like being lied to any more than I did before.
AJ, my reference to being grateful for H making the decision for me is just that then I wouldn't continue struggling with how to fit a square peg in a round hole. Of course there would be other struggles, but at least they would make more sense in my head.
To answer your question, yes, I do believe it is H that hurt me. He's not the only one in my life, of course, but definitely the biggest. I don't fly with the "sticks and stones" philosophy that people only hurt us if we let them, if I interpret what you're saying correctly. I wouldn't be particularly upset if a co-worker lied to me. I expect my H not to, and when he does, it hurts. Mostly, it hurts because the things he lied to me about are things that destroy my safety and security. Sort of like sleeping with the enemy.
How do I trust someone that I know will put his own comfort and interests before mine? What kind of life/M is even possible?
