The green green grass of home. (Part 2 )

[subguy]

SS, keep working on you, it's your ticket out of he!!. Your husband may notice and want that as well. Either way you will be stronger and better. I'm working on my list of 180's and goals are you? Lets do this together. I'll show you mine if you show me yours lol. Hugs and encouragement from Tennessee.

Keep moving forward, one step at a time.

[LITB]

SS,

It is normal to have the feelings you are experiencing. I believe that it is best to feel those hurts to allow yourself to move passed them.

Usually where we keep our focus, affects our emotional state. So if your focus remains on your H for long periods of time, the more hurt will are likely to feel. Your last few posts have been focused on him.

My suggestion is to focus on the things that are within your control. Focus on yourself and your children. I really liked that you took them out on your own to see the Christmas lights. You should be proud of yourself. That is a step in the right direction.

For myself, I know that I asked, "why?" a lot. Why is my W doing this? Doesn't she see that we can make this work? Doesn't she see the destruction she is causing? Etc.

All those questions are fruitless and frustrating. They are a waste of time, because even if there were answers, there isn't much you can do.....except live your life as a positive influence, which you should be doing regardless.

Focus on getting to that happy place that is not dependent on another person. Continue taking those positive steps and make beautiful memories with your children.

I'm interested in knowing what steps you are taking or planning to take on your journey to happiness. You can and will get there.

[bustingout]

Hi SS, coming by to see how you are today?

I love that you took your children to see xmas lights and walked as well. What a wonderful memory you helped create for them (((((( )))))

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks all, Subguy. I'm still working on my lists. Well no I'm not, I haven't even started yet. I have them in my head but I haven't written anything down. I used to keep a diary up until I started dating H. H was very jealous of my diary because it talked of other guys before we were together. I ended up throwing it away for him.
I was only 16 and didn't know any better. I so wish I had my diary. Some of my darkest childhood days were in there. I guess I haven't really written much down since then.

LITB, I've pretty much stopped with the why, although they do pop up occasionally. I have had happy times, I probably didn't post much here though.
For some reason I tend to post more when I'm down.

I was feeling down because most of my GAL activities have included family. I don't know why this was getting to me. I have a huge family and am close to so many cousins, Aunts, Uncles, brothers, In laws on my side etc.
they are my friends. I hang around with them because I like to and there's nothing wrong with that. I don't know why i was feeling inadequate because of that.

I'm still struggling to hang around with mutual friends. I don't know why but it just brings up so many feelings.

I'm looking in to a new career and just trying to get out of debt to begin with.
Also things like the Christmas lights. I don't want to stop doing things like that, just because I'm used to H being there.

I have had many good times, it appears that being home really brings me down a lot of the time.

Thanks Busting, it was nice.

I think Christmas is playing a big part of it all. It's just so sad.
H got his tattoos today. He got the kids names. The kids loved it.
He said he wants to wake up with them on Christmas day.
I've fallen back in to the trap. H was nervous about getting tattoos and was worried about the pain. We texted a lot.

FB is another problem. I have removed H from my news feed but I do check his page every so often. He and OW are posting a lot to each other. He says they are just friends but whatever. The thing is he is calling her babe etc. he never used to call me that and it hurts. I'm thinking I need to remove him from my Facebook.

I don't know how to do that. Do I tell him first? Do I just quitely remove him, without saying anything? I just don't know.

I guess I feel like I am also just moving away, making it easier for them to be together. Yeah I know nothing I do can stop it anyway.

I'm really struggling to let go and detach.

I think I also have abandonment issues, which I don't know how to deal with.
I also have inadequacy issues.

H picked up the kids today and I'm struggling with that. I usually do a lot of Christmas crafts etc with them now and they are not here. Not having them on Christmas nights hurts too.

[LITB]

I was going to reply to your last post in detail, however I am going to simply ask questions.

-What are your goals(Happiness, reconciliation, etc)?

-What are you willing to do to get there?

-What have you done thus far?

You mentioned in your last post that you abandonment and inadequacy issues.

What are you doing to address these issues within yourself?

Be honest with yourself and then take action to make things happen in your life. It may not bring your H back, however in the future, you (should) want to look back at this time knowing that you did everything within your power. At the very least, you will find yourself in a healthier place.

You told subguy that you should write down your 180s and goals exactly one week ago.

Have you done it?

You are responsible for YOURSELF AND YOUR ACTIONS. Don't waste valuable time.

[JuneReN]

I think Christmas has a HUGE part to play in all this. We have to try extra hard and I see many more confused, sad posts (mine included). If it is a struggle these next few days, so be it, you are not alone. Dig in deeper, set yourself against it all and let it come. We are here and many are experiencing that sense of loss very keenly again.

Lets make a pact subguy and SS 180's and goals posted on our threads by Xmas Eve. Focus where we want to go and how we are getting there. ((())) to all

[Soul.Searching]

-What are your goals(Happiness, reconciliation, etc)?

I would like to reconcile, however I can't keep fighting for him. I have to fight for me now.
Obviously happiness is a goal. I think it's been a long time since I have truly been happy.
I need to let him go. To accept things as they are.
To find a job I am happy with.
Work out my issues and deal with them.
Catch up financially.
Finish the odd bits left to sort through in the house.


-What are you willing to do to get there?

whatever it takes. I need to break them down in to manageable goals. I just don't know how.

-What have you done thus far?
I have done 180s. So far they are
My tone of voice. ie not sounding so angry, agitated, annoyed etc
Letting things go. ie not questioning H. Though I have backslided.
Being more patient.
Controlling my anger
Not trying to control the situation
Realizing that is okay to feel uncomfortable emotions
Giving my emotions time to settle down before making a decision.
I've talked to someone about doing a course to further my career, now I need to find out enrollment dates.


You mentioned in your last post that you abandonment and inadequacy issues.

What are you doing to address these issues within yourself?

Just trying to think it through. I don't even know how the inadequacy issues or self confidence issues even came in to play. They have been there as long as I can remember. I was raised by my Mum and she is a great Mother, so I'm not sure where they come from. I'm really at a loss as to how to work through this.
I've used my free IC sessions and can't pay for any right now.

Be honest with yourself and then take action to make things happen in your life. It may not bring your H back, however in the future, you (should) want to look back at this time knowing that you did everything within your power. At the very least, you will find yourself in a healthier place.

You told subguy that you should write down your 180s and goals exactly one week ago.
No I haven't. I guess I hate it when I "fail" a written goal. Something else to overcome I guess.

I really do need to let H go. I've not been well at all lately, it's taking a toll on me and its not healthy. I need to remove him from Facebook and let him be.

[Soul.Searching]

Okay Ruby. I'll have it done by then. I'm just so tired.

[Soul.Searching]

I posted this a little bit ago. Just bumping it up. I guess it's a good reference to start writing 180s
what you did to contribute to the marriage.


My inability to control my emotions.
My tone of voice and defensiveness.
Loosing hope of trying to fix key issues through communication and ultimately trying to control H instead. How stupid could I have been? Carrying on over someone not spending time with you, will only make them want to spend even less time with you.
Going down cheese less tunnels.
Too many expectations.
Not communicating properly. Eg attacking statements, saying H made me feel a certain way.
Not showing enough gratitude to H, Even if I didn't feel I was getting it either.
Relying on H for my own happiness.
Negative comments.
Not seeing the signs or choosing to talk myself out of them being signs.
Putting my own needs, wants and desires last.
Letting H control me.

[LITB]

You told subguy that you should write down your 180s and goals exactly one week ago.
No I haven't. I guess I hate it when I "fail" a written goal. Something else to overcome I guess.

I really do need to let H go. I've not been well at all lately, it's taking a toll on me and its not healthy. I need to remove him from Facebook and let him be.

Give yourself credit SS for taking the time to answer my questions. I certainly appreciate it.

That's how life works. Identify issues and then take action to address them. It is a never ending process.

As for the FB thing. You can keep him on your friends list and still block him. Or you can remove him altogether. Personally, I deactivated my FB account for over a year to avoid having to deal with any additional stresses.