The Rewriting Of History

[AJM]

But actually a bit of them has never left, isn't doing all this stuff. There is so much magical thinking going on.

Can you imagine if they woke up from that? What that pain would be like? Inside of each of us is a strong need to tell a "story" about what we experience. I think that's a human trait based on what I've seen and experienced. I can only imagine waking up after convincing myself and everyone around me that it was my ex's fault, only to realize it was me all along....

Part of the crazy that goes on has us thinking its us. We're told by somebody we care for and trust that it is. It takes time and more information (patterns) to see the bigger picture. There's a lot of pain that goes with that as we search our souls for answers. Along the way, we see them suffering in ways we've never experienced before (in most cases).

So I think it's natural that they want a "story" to tell that makes them justified in their actions. What tends to follow is a fantastical spew of anger (when "it" doesn't fit with their story) and make believe that has us scratching our heads wondering why they suddenly don't trust us, hate us and treat us like we're the devil's spawn.

But they still have a problem and a need that hasn't been met. We can't meet it, so they look elsewhere. Sadly, it's easy to find. Or so it would seem. But after a while, I think they find the stories and behaviors crashing down. What they thought they were getting - freedom and happiness - evaporates. And so they seem to go back to what they know. All the while avoiding where the problem really is.

By then, they've created such a fantasy land that it would be easier to just go with it. So it seems. That would leave them still unfulfilled and "searching".

Some find what they're looking for. Others continue in the new behaviors. Others revert to the previous behaviors with a new person and lead a secret life still trying to find the answers through their ex spouse using the same tools they had before - anger, spew, making things up, etc. I think that's because that's how they related to the ex spouse and they are stuck thinking that's how they should or all they know.

That leaves the LBS with the task of leaving them. When that happens they don't seem to like it. They continue to think we are the problem, B.

Because if they didn't, they'd have to face what they did and the consequence of it. Can you imagine being "done" and yet not being done? Can you imagine growing up and having to atone for your actions? To make amends when you spent so much energy vilifying the other person? That's a tall order.

And yet, we tend to be not much better. We know what happened and we don't forgive easily. We put ourselves on a higher pedestal because we (rightfully) lived to a higher, more mature standard in regards to our spouses. We were hurt by them and their actions and know we didn't do that to them. We don't make it easy or possible for them to make amends, in part because they have this fantasy idea how it should be, and we don't play that part in their minds.

The crazy behavior is, in my view, just an attempt to tell a "story" that portrays themselves as the hero/heroine so they can get out of that self-loathing cycle. It's a repair mechanism that in effect, puts others down so they can feel better about themselves and try to regain their self-esteem. To justify their crazy and hurtful actions.

While they try to do that, we see some funny stuff. Hiding in a closet talking to the OP, or humming to themselves when they are around you, or acting like a child and throwing an absolute fit when they don't get their way. I'm sure there's more...

AJ