heeeeelllllppp!!

[mamabird]

Mr. Bond isn't trying to be mean to you. He's here trying to help. Try to develop a bit of a thicker skin - I know it's hard, I have snapped at a few people who were trying to help when I was feeling extra emotional. Mr. Bond is not going to be warm and fuzzy but he does have very good advice. So take it for what it's worth.

Plenty of other people around to support you and give you the warm fuzzies, ok?

[AnotherStander]

MW, you seem very impatient and quick to anger. I've got to think that if you come off this way on a forum then you may be that times ten in person. When I read your posts I see you constantly posting about trivial things and then there seems to be some expectation that it means something. For example:

3. When my wife came home, I acted nice and friendly. She brought me a burger.

She came home and you "acted" nice and friendly and she gave you a burger. It means nothing. You should be nice and friendly to her ALL THE TIME. Not just once in a while. Do it week after week, month after month until you don't have to "act" nice and friendly at all, you just are. And the burger wasn't a reward.

4. Because we were talking about the love languages I asked her if she wanted to watch some tv. She said no.

Again there seems to be some odd undercurrent here, like you're saying "DB'ing and 5LL aren't working" which I do think is what you believe. But again, this is so trivial you shouldn't even be posting it. She said no. So what? Maybe you should turn the TV off and talk to her! And where in the world did you come up with the idea that watching TV has ANYTHING to do with love languages? It's the polar opposite of showing love!

I also noticed she didn't have her ring. It drove me crazy and I was obsessing about it, but didn't say a word.

You didn't have to, I'm sure she noticed you were crazy and obsessing, which is not helping your sitch at all. Detach. Act "as if" everything is fine even if it isn't. Get out. GAL. Give your W time and space.

I really don't think you want DB'ing to work, your posts sound like you're trying to prove to us that it doesn't work. We tell you to detach, so you leave the house for an hour, return, don't see anything different and then come here complaining that detachment doesn't work. Meanwhile we keep telling you that this takes MONTHS if not YEARS, but it keeps falling on deaf ears. You will not see progress for months. Quit looking for signs, they are not there and you shouldn't expect them to be. Drop your expectations!

[MrBond]

"I'm not going to get into a debate with you because I know the truth. You are just guessing here."

Actually you don't know the "truth". You keep shooting yourself in the foot. Have you ever noticed that your situation has stayed the same? You don't listen.

"I really don't know why you feel the need to be so mean though. I always tell my kids that it's okay to be critical but not mean."

I give out what I'm given. You start challenging me, I challenge you back. Like others have said, you are going to have plenty of people to hold your hand and sympathize. Do you want that or do you want REAL answers?

"I'll hold off on giving advice, if you say so. (it's not like that guy is taking it anyway.)"

I think you need to re-read that statement and apply it to yourself.

"1. Yesterday I ran for a solid 20 min on the treadmill. Oh man it was rough but I did it even though it was slooooooow."

Then keep it up.

"2. My wife went to a happy hour after work and left me with the kids. We ate pizza and played games. It was fun, my little one said he liked spending more time with me. It made me feel good"

Good.

"..even though I am supposed to be responsible for my own happiness."

Again, you don't get it. It's okay to feel happy when your kids are. It shows you've grown with them and that they've missed you and that you may have been an absent parent in the past.

"3. When my wife came home, I acted nice and friendly."

Stop acting and start living nice and friendly.

"4. Because we were talking about the love languages I asked her if she wanted to watch some tv."

I told you that quality time was her language BEFORE things were bad. She doesn't want it from YOU now. She wants it from someone who values her. It's why she wanted quality time from the OM.

"She said no. I also noticed she didn't have her ring. It drove me crazy and I was obsessing about it, but didn't say a word."

That's an improvement.

[eyesopen]

MW,

I would like to add my 2cents to this as well. When I first got here I heard a few things to that felt like salt in a wound with some lemon juice and rubbing alcohol as well. I thought screw them they don't know me, they don't know my wife. And then it finally hit me, at that point I didn't know anything.

What I thought I knew wasn't working, so I decided to listen. By that time divorce was in the air. And I may very well end up with exactly that. I have seen improvements in my sitch, but it took a long time after applying what everyone was telling me. Had I started sooner the D word may have never been spoken.

Even I if I end up divorced, I can guarantee I will not be done standing for my w and family. I will continue to lean on the amazing people who take time out of their days, out of their work, out of their families, to help me.

I highly suggest you do the same.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for the advice.

The problem with my wife is that she is a complex person. She doesn't really go crazy over gifts, however she likes to give big gifts. That seems like a contradiction to me.

Cop out and you missed the WHOLE POINT I Made about having 2 love languages. We all have two love languages.

THere's One language in which we GIVE LOVE

and the other in which we RECEIVE LOVE...

she gives gifts so she's got a language of showing or GIVING LOVE, BY GIVING GIFTS...

but she seems to NOT be into receiving love that way. (Unless she sees your gifts as inadequate, which is also possible and you must look at that and compare what and how SHE GIVES to what she gets from you. Are there ANY gifts she ever made a fuss over from anyone??)

What else does SHE LOVE to do or get?

There is NO CONTRADICTION at all.



it's not physical touch or quality time for her.



You sure?? Well, You don't have to DECIDE just yet and it's also not written in stone.

The physical touch thing I think comes her upbringing.


Just an FYI, you don't need to do the pseudo-analysis. It's time consuming and not productive. Also often NOT accurate....


The quality time doesn't seem that important, but her OWN quality time is very important to her. She needs time and space (even before everything) and I do compliment her a lot.

For acts of service[b] I do lots of acts of service for her...

maybe I"m not hitting the right buttons. Get her coffee, make the bed and bigger stuff too.
[/b]

you sound as if you are "measuring" and what matters is what SHE perceives and what HER needs are. It is Not whether she "should" get it the way you give it.

Make sense?

The book had some advice for how to find it and I will work on that.

GOOD!@!!

I know my needs aren't important,

no one said that. Don't play the victim. We said for now, YOU are working on the marriage and she isn't. Or at least not here. So put aside those needs FOR NOW and work on meeting hers. First step is knowing them...


but I do want to comment on what you said 25 about me. i did the quiz in the book and mine came out to physical touch and quality time. basically the opposite of my wife.

it's NOT "the opposite" of your wife's!! It's just different. No one is "wrong".

It'd be boring if we all did the same things to "show" our love. OR it'd get competitive.

Did you read about my own sitch? Learning what matters to MY h and realizing we don't have the same LLs did not hurt the marriage. His need for physical touch is also NOT exclusively sexual and that matters b/c a lot of couples feel pressure OR have trust issues but have touch as their LL.

Back rubs (I took a one day class in massage and it's been SO helpful and healing for all of our family. My kids LOVE massages and for our son, now in his 20s, it's how he can get affection from his mama without asking for a hug or feeling uncomfortable. Says "My back is sore Mom" and it;s a lovely bonding thing. POINT IS, if you say touch is your language and NOT your wife's,

make sure you remember that touch is not all sexual. I'm a hugger with my kids and my friends and h, but we are not into PDA. Holding hands, yes. Kissing and smooching in public? Not so much. What is your wife like with affection in general?

IN THIS SITCH there's no "right" or "wrong" in how one gives or receives love. What matters is that you care enough for your spouse to learn how to give love to them in THEIR language.



in regards to physical touch yes I enjoy a roll in the hay, but the best thing any of my girlfriends or wife used to do was hold hands with fingers mixed. so it's not 100% about sex.

Don't thrash me, but I was watching the Oprah network last night.

I would not thrash you for that. I'd say you are trying to understand your wife more. Good.

They have this show on cheating. You basically hear it from the cheater and the spouse. they don't use the same words as here, but the concepts are the same. it was an eye opener.

I want to apologize to my wife for the stuff I've don't, but I don't think now is the time. I am also want to bring up couples counseling since that seemed to help a lot of people on the show.

I am out of time now to post more. IF you go to a MC, make sure they are solution based.

5-6 sessions ought to make some difference and if not, IMO, go elsewhere.

[Michele Weiner-Davis]

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