We separated and H jumped into a Relationship so fast my head spun. I know he missed the physical intimacy and the feeling of caring and love that had been missing. So do I, but I would not take my ragged a$$ self into another R, even for sex. That is what machinery is for lmao!
So, regretful, cherish yourself first, find yourself first. You are so amazing and don't need validation from someone else. Make it a goal maybe not to date or become involved for some period of time and explore your own self first.
It s going to be so much better once you know you, than if you jumped in right now. I am happy that you are making decisions. Separate and sit for a bit. Besides, world ends tomorrow anyways, what do you have to lose!
I agree with Breakdown on this one. I get you are lonely and have felt so rejected but don't go looking for something shallow when you are the one you should be seeking. I get the temptation and need...I am there too. I love my wife still but she is clearly on her way out. It is hard...Love yourself RLA...you seem so genuine. You both are hurting.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Some of you have been challenging me to find the source of my unhappiness. Well I have a hard time answering that question because I think my unhappiness is coming from the pain surrounding my situation. Until that situation is no longer a source of pain, it's going to be a thorn in my side.
The thing that I need to focus on fixing is my feeling of being unfulfilled. I just realized that that's really the issue, and that's been the issue for years, hence the OM's - and that's within my control.
Much harder question. I know that we are not supposed to look to other people to "fulfill" us, but I think that a relationship could bring us happiness. There's a difference. I think fulfillment will come from GAL, friends and feeling comfortable with (and in control of) one's life. I did feel very fulfilled at times when I was younger - even in the first half of my marriage I did. So now I have to figure out how to get that back.
Going back to my first paragraph - when my sitch will no longer be a source of pain - well I suppose that's when I decide it will no longer be a source of pain. Right now, there is SO MUCH pain that I can't ignore it, but maybe if I can take a breather, the pain will lessen. In every book that I'm reading, there's always a part that goes "If x happens in your R, then you are headed for trouble" - and it always seems that X was happening, so that's been a little depressing and painful to think about. It's like, the more I read and think about it, the more I realize how bad things really were.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Also thanks for the encouragement on not jumping into anything too soon. I know you are right. I still am so tempted though to go for the "rebound", just to feel better. I felt a little better when OM2 was around, but I know it was just patching the holes. I knew it at the time.
Actually, I would like to just have some male friendship. I know that's kind of an oxymoron. But in all seriousness, I would really like that a lot. When I had to say goodbye to OM1 after my BD, we were very close friends - but that was it. Neither of us was available by then and that door had closed. (At first, he was unmarried and I was questioning my M). We talked a lot about relationships, life, kids, work. The friendship that we had is what I was missing in my M. He was empathetic, he was the best listener I knew. He made me feel safe, heard, loved. And I've had to mourn the loss of that friendship along with the loss of my M. Almost too much to take.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Have you read When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. You've said you want to become more spiritual and I don't know what the means to you but if you want to become more awake, Pema is a good guide.
She writes a bit in WTFA about how addictions come from our inability to sit with discomfort, we must have something to make us feel better. Be it drugs, food, men, sex we need someTHING to fill that hole but that good feeling only lasts for a short period of time, so we need another hit and another.
So then we're addicted and unhappy.
The only answer to that cycle is finding the happiness within ourselves.
This was the Pema quote today: ‎"To stay with that shakiness葉o stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge葉hat is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic葉his is the spiritual path."
You might also read Tara Brach's Radical Acceptance.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Have you read When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. You've said you want to become more spiritual and I don't know what the means to you but if you want to become more awake, Pema is a good guide.
She writes a bit in WTFA about how addictions come from our inability to sit with discomfort, we must have something to make us feel better. Be it drugs, food, men, sex we need someTHING to fill that hole but that good feeling only lasts for a short period of time, so we need another hit and another.
So then we're addicted and unhappy.
The only answer to that cycle is finding the happiness within ourselves.
This was the Pema quote today: ‎"To stay with that shakiness葉o stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge葉hat is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic葉his is the spiritual path."
You might also read Tara Brach's Radical Acceptance.
Oooohhhh....relaxing in the midst of chaos. Somedays I can and others are like this awake for over24 hours and hamsters are merrily spinning away. I would like to relax everyday!
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Will definitely look into those two... thanks for the reco's. I did pick up "The Dance of Connection", which I think you recommended, Bug, but I'm not sure how relevant it is now.
The books I'm in the middle of (I like to read about 4 at a time when I get on a roll): - Why Talking isn't Enough: Eight Loving Actions... (the book I've been talking about) - Susan Page - The Power of Empathy - Arthur C... (Italian name) - Positive Psychology (I think that's the name, not sure, can't find the book at the moment) - Martin Seligman - 5 LL's of Apology - John Chapman
And the one I just started - I Need Your Love - Is that True - by Byron Katie. Tagline: 'How to stop seeking approval and appreciation, and start finding them instead."
Sounds perfect for me...
This is going to become a book review thread, ha ha!!
Today: going to color my hair, water my plants, then an early lunch with my best girls because one of them is having her birthday. Supermarket shop for the weekend - on the cooking agenda - split pea soup, vegetable beef soup, lemon cheesecake, nut bread, stuffed shells. (Some of this I'm making for other people. Cooking is a great GAL for me).
Then - an open house with more good friends and kids. The hostess also can't stand "Nasty Neighbor" so I won't have to deal with her today, hooray!
Had an interesting dream last night - that I had an older sister (I don't in reality) who was not supportive and I was screaming in her face telling her how much I hated her. Huh. That is not in line with the new Regretful so I'm curious about that one... I don't even really have a friend who fits that bill. Also dreamt that I tried to give H a hug and he just flat out refused (but that has actually happened).
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Love yourself. Take care of yourself. Have faith in yourself.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
