Almost Over...

[Dewayne]

Hi. My name is Dewayne.

Together 11 years.
Married 7 Years
3yo Daughter
9 years difference. She's 27. When we met I was under the impression she was in her 20's. By the time I found her age I was in love. We discussed it and said to continue.

I thought we had her "sowing the wild oats" out of her system before marriage. I sent her out shopping with her cousin to get some girl time in, and it they started hanging at a tattoo shop. We argued about her coming in too late twice and she got mad, kicked me out of the house. (broke up) then she went and had sex with Daniel. 3 weeks later we made up. Shortly after we married.

My dad was abusive. Physically with us boys and verbally with my mom. He didn't really have a dad growing up. I got some of his traits. I treated her like shlt sometimes, not all the time but I was still a loving husband. We didn't communicate a lot. Hardly argued though. I became angry all the time early in the marriage. She left me 5 years ago and handed me papers. 2 weeks later, I was back and we cancled the Divorce. I found out she was interested in one of my friends. She stopped it before it went somewhere. I understood, I was mean to her. I changed quite a bit, but not completely.

Years passed, we'd communicate better and seemed happy. I still said some things that hurt her feelings and I didn't give her enough emotional support or affection. Whenever it came up she always said she was happy. Even asked "why are you still with me? You're so good to me, after all i've done" This actually came up several times.

We decided to build a haunted house. Sold our hot rods and house. Before we sold the house back in march of this year, I stopped her in the drive way "Before we take this leap, I need to make sure you're happy, that you're happy with us, our marriage, me.?" She said "Absolutely, hadn't been happier"

July actors and volunteers started showing up. 2 boys, a 19 and a 20 yo showed up. Once I saw them I knew I should send them home. But I didn't. Inside of 2 weeks she was spending more and more time with them. They were huggers, and flirty. About a week before they showed up, I started seeing my wife in a new light. I was realizing my love for her, realizing that I still wasn't that great of a husband and I wanted to tell her in a heart to heart conversation and that I wanted to do better for her. But by the time I realized what was going on with my feelings, she was flirting with these guys. I talked to her about it and she said "You need ot be more trusting of me." So after that a young girl showed up and flirted as well. So I flirted back. Conversations got intense, as far as her wanting a threesome with my wife and I. I realized early on that the flirting was getting out of hand and told my wife. I told her I was sorry for flirting with the girl and wanted us to stop it before it got too far.

So afterwards, I asked for some time for us to talk again. She said ok. We made an appointment for her office at the haunt and she was late. I go out front 20 min's later, she was out there hangin with the boys again. I did most of the work while they played and hung out. But they did do some work. This is where it blows up. I get her to come into the office and she said "What's up?" I told her she forgot to meet me and she said "Well we're all outside having fun, why don't you come join us?" I got mad instantly and almost hit the desk and said "You just don't get it to you?" in 3 min's I had made a mistake I've done a few times. I told her "Maybe we should get a Divorce" I never meant it when I said it and she always instantly changed attitude, but this time she said "Maybe that's not a bad idea"

Long story short, I went to sleeping in the theater (90 ft from the apartment that was built inside the old church we lived at) She ended up going out at night, going to the boys' house. Partied some. Locked our daughter in the bedroom one night and we found Daughter roaming the halls screaming for mommy and daddy. So I found her at the boy's house at 3:30. This happened at 3:30 am. I found her in OM's room. he was passed out naked with a pillow on his crotch and she was in closet (without a door) She looked VERY shameful.

We went back and forth. Had a false Reconcile a few weeks later. She was a different person> became so cold to me. Then came the "I love you but not like that anymore" speach. told me she wasn't attracted to me etch. Which is weird, everything seemed wonderful up until the boy's showing up. Sex was even better than ever... prior to the blow up.

Oct 18 (Day we got marriage license) She told me she wanted D.
Oct 20, D's birthday. She barely treated me like a human. Did hold me once. No one showed up for her party but my mother...
Oct 31s (Day we celebrate Anniversary) She paid the lawyer in full. Lie to me about it> i found receipt in the hearse.

OM is out of picture. Caught her talking to another man in texas that she grew up with. He's been through FOUR Divorces.... She moved in with bro. I moved in with friend.
Co-parenting very little. Where I'm at I can't have her more than a day or two at a time.

Just got my copies from lawyer yesterday. So that tells me she gave the papers to her attorney.

I got to DB too late. I begged and pleaded and pushed her away. Before I started the LRT she was still hugging me and telling me she loved me at kid exhange. I talked to her about it, i know mistake, and she quit. told ehr I thought it was progress and she stopped doing it.

I'm devestated. Been fully separated for 2 months now. I still cry every day when things hit me hard. I can't let go. I was on another forum and they got to be very rude and treating me like crap. I kept searching and found this place. Everyone seems to be much more understanding here.

[Dewayne]

Btw. I've recognized all my faults of being a not so great husband.

1. Didnt' show as much affection as I could have
2. Didn't always help with the house etc
3. I had a habit of saying things that hurt her feelings like when at my parent's house etc.
4. Was selfish in the bedroom sometimes.
5. Didn't show enough appreciation

All of which I truly feel are things worth working on to save a marriage. She said to me "Well I served you before, why didn't you change then?" I told her it wasn't long enough, I was back in 2 weeks adn I didn't learn. Told her this was a mack truck hitting me and put me on rock bottom. I truly do know what I need to do now.

I really believe she's having trouble accepting what she's done. She mentioned it before, saying like "I don't know if I can trust myself to be committed anymore" Add on the previous statements in the marriage "Why are you still with me? Why are you so good to me?" I always told her "Because I love you". I had online counseling with phone sessions. Both counselors (switched at a point) told me seh may have been snapped into a pre-MLC or transition. I believe it may be true because she's now saying things like "I need to soul search. I wasn't happy with us or where we were at. I'm not at a point in life where I'm happy" And talking about going back to school to do the Vet thing.

In a FB msg she's mentioned 2 or 3 times... well let me grab the excerpt:

"i'm sorry i dont call or text much and dont talk to you. i need to more. i had the idea for us to call and talk with jordan. of course we would talk too. it was my idea. idk why you didnt call to talk to her last night. ill try to not get so busy and call you if u dont call us.
im not using you. i dont hate you. marsha doesnt hate you. chris doesnt care. darrells being protective. brent is ... brent. aaron doesnt care so long as its not u thats been mouthing bout me and i told him you werent. scarlett has her own issues and nothing i say can change her mind. ive tried. honestly. ryan is open to you but out of touch. he will only turn his back if i ask him to and i wont.
i do love you. we spent 11 years together. but a lot happened during that time and life got crazy for me. i just need time and space. im not happy with us or where we were. i wanted out. im sorry it was like this but thank you for the papers. i want to still be friends and see where we lead, if ur still up for it. i just want to soul search right now and if we were meant to be then i do believe we should start fresh; forget the past altogether for our new lives."

Any opinions on this?

[AnotherStander]

Wow! That's an interesting story with a lot of twists and turns! Haunted house, hearse, theater, old church, you sound like the kind of guy I'd want to hang out with :-) Sorry to hear you're going through this pain, most of us here can unfortunately relate. First let me assure you that regardless of what happens, it WILL get better. The crying WILL stop and you WILL find your self-worth again. It will take time, but you will make it, and you will be surprised at how strong you really are.

But just know that it is NOT over until you decide it's over. There is hope for as long as you care to hold it in your heart. Your W needs time and space, that's what you've got to do for her, give it to her. Pull back. Detach. Work on yourself. Take stock of your problems and do 180's on them. Stick with your 180's, make them part of who you are. Give her time to notice and appreciate your changes. Don't sweat the D pressure, D is just a piece of paper. Many couples have reconciled after D, it's not the end of anything.

Good luck!

[Dewayne]

So short and so much help. Thanks Anotherstander. I've read a lot of your posts. You're an asset to this place.

I know... but to me. We were always the couple that would last through all the challenges. I just got the copies yesterday so it's up to the court date now. I just noticed, it has the wrong date at the top, it says "January 17th, 2012" on the yellow paper. Guess they forgot it was December? lol.

Yeah, it's all gone. No more money, the haunt failed, she owes $10,000 in rent to the landlords (she put the lease in her name only) And there's over $15,000 worth of damages to one of the buildings taht didn't get repaired. Marketing and PR was her job at the haunt... when she started "playing" instead of working it caused a ripple, one that ruined us financially.

I don't care about the money though. I don't care about not having my hot rods (though having one NOW would be a great help)
I just want to put my family back together.

By the way, my responses are going to be late. Still needing reviewed

Thanks again AS.

[Dewayne]

Update:

Yesterday we went to our Daughter's christmas party. Lots of ppl there. For one it sucked bad. ALl the loving parents were holding each other and etc... my wife and I... not so much. She wasn't really cold, just distant.

When we got there, she asked me if I wanted to go to the movies and see The Gaurdians with her and Jordan.(daughter) I said sure. They've already seen it. She works at the theater. So.... yeah. Not sure why.

Afterwards, we went to McD's and let her play and ate. During dinner she kept saying "Well what do you wanna do tonight?" It threw me for a loop. 3 or 4 times. Then she asked 2 or 3 times if I was sure I wanted to go to the movies. I told her "Yes. I'm sorry I'm not so... 'happy'. Just a lot on my mind" She said "I understand. So you wanna go then right? Lemme call to see the times" It was too late. SO we drove around.

We ended up taking her home and she was making plans on when we could go see the movie, or any movie. As she was talking, she was tapping my hand, and scratching it a bit as she talked. I thought "calm down. This is nothing." then I remembered, I told her a while back. Well, let me back up.

Weeks ago I asked her if we were making progress because she was hugging me more and holding my hand etc. She said "I was just being nice" I told her "DO NOT be nice to me. If it's not sincere, don't Fking do it. I'm not ok with that. It's B/S. That's stringing me along" and she said ok and hasn't done it since. After ignoring calls and txts and a fb msg for a week or so, she dropped Jordan off and gave me a big hug and told me I had worried her.

Now this. So, I remembered that I told her not to do things like this unless she was sincere or liked what she was seeing in me. So I don't know what to think about it. I'm trying to be guarded.

So back to the hands. She left her hand on mine, scratching my hand in a 'touchy feely' way. She did this not once, but twice! So I bit the hook. I grabbed her hand.... she squeezed.

To be honest, my heart raced like I was on a first date. In fact, when telling one of my good friends about how she took me inside her bro's home (where she's living) showed me her room and chatted a bit, grabbed my arm and told me she had a good time etc... he said "Sounds like a first date to me"....

I'm scared. To be honest. I'm JUST NOW getting to where I can enjoy my games. I am just now getting to where i don't cry as much. I can't afford to be strung along only to get hit by a truck again.

I'm being cautious, but it felt soo good to be so close to her once again. She seemed herself finally.

Sorry for so long. Also have more background.

She started taking Celexa an AD in June. We were ok in june, she was just stressed from her day job and helping with the Haunt. July the boys showed up to act. August we had a fight. Sept. She became cold and Oct. she treated me like a dog. End of oct... she was due for a refill of the AD, I chunked the bottle at the Dr.'s request. She hasn't been on it since. And now, 2 months later she's acting more herself. May have something to do with it, I don't know.

Thanks for your time guys.

[Dewayne]

Well. Christmas sucked. Was ok toward the end. Wife came to pick up the JoJo and she hung for a bit. Even though it was sleeting and snowing she stayed and we chatted a bit.

Some truth was in there but I could definitely see she's hiding. I spent a few hours with my mom and family at her house for the holiday and we spoke for about an hour. SHe told me she believed her to be "dating" this Jerry friend of hers. He's a 21 yo (she's 28)skinny, scrawny kid that looks like he's 13. "he's funny, I love him to death" is one of th phrases she's said. She's 5'11" and wears heels. This dude is like 5'6".

So my daughter was playing with me and being silly and well long story short she ends up telling me "mommy kissed Jerry" SO I asked her about it and she shook her head while looking down and I knew she did. She lied when she said "no. We are 'talking' about things" So this tells me she's seeing him. I asked her to be honest and she wasn't. I know she won't be happy with this guy. I've known her for 11 years, I cna tell you lol.

I just don't know what to do now. I feel she is part WAW and MLC. The way she talks about getting her life in order, not being happy with where we were etc. I know she's enjoying not being tied down, although she says she's not "enjoying being single" Said she "Doesn't want a relationship" etc. I know.... she likes being single. (still married tech....)

I know the smart move for me would be to cut her loose. But what do you do when you can't? When you still love her so much? I know she can come out of this and be herself again, so what do I do? Carefully try? Leave her alone?

She keeps asking me to go to the movies with her. Is this her trying to reach? I asked her "why" I know I shouldn't have but I did and she said "I'm just trying to be nice" ... again remember I told her not to be nice and do things to just be "nice"

someone said to accept it because even though she SAYS it's being nice, she's not wanting to admit wanting to go to the movies with me. I don't know.

[Dewayne]

I know i'm moderated and this will be a while but I need some support. A lot has happened. I thot I had posted some of this but it's been a few days so maybe I didn't. For the most part we went and had a night out, dinner w/ the kiddo and suppose to watch a movie but was too late. She made plans to go out to another movie. After we got to her house she played with my hand. Twice. I grabbed it and she squeezed. She gave me a good hug afterwards and told me she had a good time.

Today I found out that she's been going out seeing a few other people. I know it's to be expected but I didn't think it'd hurt so bad. She's friends with a momma's boy that's 21yo and she was talking about wanting him to move in but can't because he's living with his mom.

I'm so hurting right now. I want to fix our marriage but I don't know wtf she's thinking.

[Dewayne]

I can't keep up with the updates I've done becaus they take SOOO LONG to get moderated and posted.

I think I screwed up. STBXW and I talked about an hour today. Mainly was going over what issues she thought I could work on while I'm revamping myself (even though I truly believe she's in a pre-MLC... I KNOW i have my faults)

The notion came up on "the one" and I told her I always thought but now truly believe she's the only one for me. She came back and said "I told you the first time we fought I didn't think you were the one but I wasn't going to leave you to find him" I know it sounds like classic MLC talk, so thats why it doesn't sting AS MUCH, but it does hurt. Other than that, I feel the talk was pretty positive.

[Dewayne]

Update:

Txted yest. to see if I was getting the kiddo last night. Some of her txts (we kinda had an arg. she started, but it calmed down and ended with smiley's and :P's )

"I wont keep her from u. I want the divorce. (everything 50/50, no CS) I know u dont and that it hurts and I'm so sorry for that. There's nothing to change that at the moment. SO instead of trying to be a good husband to a wife that's leaving. try being a great father and focus on jojo. Fix what's broke with you two not us"

^^ I didn't think my daughter and I was broken. WE get a long fine, she wants me when she's with the W and she wants her when she's with me. It's back and forth with our kiddo. She wants us both.

ANother text:
"I'm tired of going over crap all the time. Tired of you telling me one thing then changing your mind. Do you want to take 2 years or however long and c if I get over this MLC you think I'm going thru or not? I just want a decision from u."

These are word for word txts she sent during an onslaught of txts. I didn't provoke it really. I felt she is releasing some emotional hurt that's been building up. I don't know.

What do you guys think? I am suppose to get jojo tomorrow sometime and I'll see her then. Do I propose answers to these questions? I didn't really get a chance to answer them during txts, I was trying to calm the situation down instead.

[adinva]

Hi DeWayne, wow you said you were new but you are really new. You're doing a few things right. You are focusing on yourself and working on things you perceive are your flaws.

Slow down. This won't go as quickly as it seems at first. You don't have to make decisions when your world is turned upside down and you're confused. Breathe, and take this opportunity to open your eyes to who you are, what you want, and why someone would want to be with you. GAL, get a life.

Is she a multiple? The email you quoted with all the names a few posts back made me wonder if you were saying that without coming right out and saying it. That would certainly add complexity to your situation.

She sounds very immature, and you sounded a bit parental in your earliest posts..."we" had her sowing wild oats out of her system, "I sent her out shopping for some girl time" etc. If you get through this hopefully you will learn to be more equals. I don't think girls looking for daddy figures end up liking them as husbands in the long term. A good relationship needs to have two healthy whole independent people in it.

Nothing will be hurt, and everything will be helped, by reading and practicing the 37 rules you see posted on the sticky in newcomers. There is very good wisdom there and it is counterintuitive.

You mentioned that you think you got here too late. Everyone here did, and no one did. Too late to save your marriage, but the point is to save yourself. You'll come out of this worlds better if you really work the program, and your W may grow up and come back to you. But the marriage you had before is pretty dead.

I am so sorry for the pain you're going through. It seems like the worst thing in the world. I can barely remember feeling all that pain but I know I did. I filled up journals and many pages here. I can't even go back and read it yet.

I'm not in a place right now where I feel super helpful to other people, but there are others here who are really wise, learn to hear the wisdom and take it in. When you feel defensive, listen harder because that's usually hitting home for a reason.

You've presented your W so far as someone turbulent, immature, and unpredictable, saying she's happy and then turning her eye to other men. When you say you want to be with her, it's because you love her, what does that mean? What do you love about her? What about your relationship has been good? What did she see in you? What did you do together that felt like a lifelong match was a good idea? Give us some more background.

Vent all your frustrations and tears here, and give your W some space. Focus on doing interesting things with your time and being a great dad to your little girl. That is one thing that your W cannot rewrite or reject...a loving good dad is a great foundation for rebuilding.

Good luck to you and thanks for posting on my thread.