New to the forum, WAH 10/3/12

[notsurewhat2do]

I have had a couple of good days. H is out of town, as far as I know OW isn't with him. He has sent DD a couple of text so I know he's alive. I'm concentrating on finishing up Christmas and just plugging along.

I'm still on the verge of tears everyday. I could cry at the drop of a hat. I'm so very sad still and this morning all the thoughts are surrounding OW. And they aren't the good thoughts. You know, after you've been intimate with someone for 22 years, you know just about everything there is to know. It hurts to think about someone else knowing those things now.

And then I've been thinking about all the lies that H has told me and it makes me rethink EVERYTHING he has ever told me. He would sit in our basement and text OW. Take her calls when I sitting the floor above him. He would lie about not going to ballgames and working to be with her. He LIED about his 401K just to get me to sign the early withdrawl papers (which is why I have refused to sign his bank papers). And this morning I think I saw his 4Runner at a local gas station and it would be her driving it. He told me he was going to drive it because gas is cheaper than diesel. And he lied when he left me saying he didn't leave me for her ... yet he had it planned to whole time for her to move in with him. This is a realization that I came up with this past week. He left without taking ANYTHING in the house. Just his clothes and necessities. He didn't take dishes, pots/pans, utenils, sheets, NOTHING. I think I've been in such a state of shock that this just now dawned on me. He planned this whole stupid thing ... just really ticks me off!

I do plan on having a good Christmas. I NEED to have a good Christmas. I need to have a normal Christmas. It won't be normal. Not for me or DD. It will be sad for both of us. It will be empty without H there.

You know the sad part is, even after knowing how much he has lied to me, I still love him. I still want him to change and be with us. I still feel married to him, even though he doesn't feel married to me. And more than anything I want honestly. I told him Sunday when I asked about his hunting trip to stop lying to me, he's hurt me enough already. I want to say to him, the damage is done, (as he has what has happend as happend) just come clean and STOP lying. I honestly think he is a habitual liar. How can you compete with that?