Is this the place for me?

[4311]

If you study reconnection you are following the script.

Is this a good thing? "Following the script" seems to imply I am walking blindly rather than with intent.

Can you tell me about this?

I was in 7th grade and met a girl in science class on the first day of school. I was still "baby" when it came to relationships, but the when I saw this girl it triggered something in me I had never felt before. Anyway, she already had a boyfriend so I knew my options were limited. We connected right off the bat and from that day on we had an interesting relationship. I say interesting because there was more of a "friend" connection yet she knew I was still just a kid. As is not uncommon she, as a girl, was a bit more mature when it came to relationships. So we had this friendship on the surface, but underneath that we both were drawn to each other and knew there was more. Our relationship continued like this for the next 2 years, her going through two boyfriends, each of those uncomfortable with the relationship we had. As those two years progressed I became more mature and started to want more. BUT, and this I think is very important to note, I HELD BACK. I judged that me bringing what had always brewed under the surface to the future could lead to one of two things: I could end up connecting with her on the surface as we connected under the surface OR I could loose her all together. I determined that the former was not worth the possibility of the latter so I held back, I didn't go to the next step because I was AFRAID I would loose her all together. This, however, began to bother me. It began to frustrate me, and to a point anger me. I was angry at her. I was angry at HER for a choice I was making by MYSELF. Then one day it happened. During the first few weeks of 9th grade, or first year in the new high school, we were as we always were. She was sharing with me, telling me how her summer was, telling me how this guy in our school had asked her out the other day and she accepted. Then it happened. The thing that changed my life. I lost it. When she mentioned the new guy I blew, I finally held back, I finally determined that no, no more, no longer is it worth keeping what I have with her over going through her getting in another relationship. I blew my top right there telling her all this with a raised voice. From my POV I was frustrated, angry, and had given up. She, during my entire blow up session, just looked at me with a look of interest and wonder. She had never seen this side of me, never met this guy. Of course, as is usually the case, the one thing in me that I held back for the previous 2 years is the one thing that did it. After that we were an item. That other guy was gone from her interest and I finally held her in my arms. This went on until graduation and into the first year of university. What I learned about life and love was immeasurable during those years. But of course, during our long distance relationship during the first year of university she ended up breaking up with me. The long distance was too much, we never saw each other, and to be fair, we were in a whole new chapter of life and seemed we both needed to break away from where we had been. My heart was broken. I continued on. She met her future husband a few years later in that university. I met mine a few years later while in college. We had no contact after the break up.
If you haven't figured it out, that girl, was her. That girl ended up marrying me 20 yrs later. And here I am again with a broken heart. One major difference this time, and this has also been very important to realize, is that she also had a broken heart this time. Her heart broke within our marriage when she determined that I wasn't going to "wake up" and that she was going to move on.

I know for me, that I need to look deep within myself and really be sure that I will not repeat history again.

And that is why I am here. Regardless of who I may connect, or reconnect with, I do not intend to be asleep in my life any further.

Changing the right things is very important too.

Yes, that also is why I am here. I have begun to change many things. I'm sure there are things I am overlooking. I am not sure if all he changes I am working on now are healthy. I think they are, but I am open to analyzing them to be sure.