Is it possible that you are shedding the anger you have/had for your WAW onto me? I haven't read your posts but that would be completely understandable. I am not a shrink, thus I don't want to assume, I only ask you to consider it.
We all have our opinions and that is what I came here for, however, it seems you, for some reason, need to share those feelings in a rather harsh way.
It is possible and it does happen. Something I see a lot is how the WAW sometimes would show such contempt for his/her spouse or would do the ILYNILWY speech, and probably mean it at the time. But yet, somehow, with time, space and healing would slowly loose this frame of mind. Of course, I know this is a minority of the people, and that's ok, all I am looking for is hope that it's possible and this will give me strength to keep moving forward. I have left expectation at the curb, and only hold on to hope. Expectation started to feel like an anchor, holding me down, slowing me down, it just got too heavy to keep carrying around. Hope is so different than expectation. Hope pulls me forward, expectation holds me back...
MrBond, I'm not sure the what the reason is, not sure why your words sounded harsh, sounded angry, but I know there is a reason it was put on my post. I am not a very religious person, but I do believe in energy, we all have an energy that we share with the world. At times that energy draws us closer, at times it pushed us apart. Your energy was pushing me away from you but I have learned to try to recognize when I am feeling a negative reaction to someone or something for what it is - the energy of the world trying to teach me something. I know you were put here for a reason, and even if I feel a negative energy coming from you, I will learn from it - so, in a way, I thank you for that.
Enough for tonight, I need to sleep and get refreshed...
I wish I knew of, or read more life stories, where it did happen with our divorced couples. It would give me hope and make me stronger to keep moving.
Read some of the success stories, it does happen. I dont think it matters about kids or not. Mine are all grown and out of the house. I believe that has nothing to do with it.
The thing is, it will not happen on your time schedule, that I am sure about.
What are you learning here? What are you doing for YOU? Take your focus off of her.
What I am learning.... Well, I've recently come to accept one huge thing - I need to keep working on myself until I stop hurting. Then, I need to continue work on myself for the balance of my life. I bring up the hurting aspect because sometimes when I focus on my feelings I know that I wont be any good to anyone, her or someone else, feeling like this. In addition and more importantly, I wont be any good to myself. I'm also learning that I need to continue connecting closely with friends and family. I say this because I have taken so much from you and others on this board. It quite's my inner mind when I read others' replies and when I am typing here in response or simply blogging away. I didn't do this for years. I didn't connect with others during our marriage, I put it all on her. To be fair, she did the same, but that's when it was all fluffy love. It's not that we didn't need others, we did, but we didn't plan our life or marriage in a way that looked forward. We were each others life and love for years - not healthy when there is no one else. We needed to live and love in and around a community, if you will, of other friends and family - we didn't. I have already put pen to paper some time ago with regards to what I am aiming for and am working towards those personal goals daily. I am learning that there is nothing wrong with hope. I am learning that I need to live my life without the expectation or reconciling. I am learning that the majority of couples that do end up reconciling don't do it until they have lived life with others, even after they have felt they have loved others. Only then are they, only than are we, able to truly judge in a healthy way what we want. I am in a tricky place. I have been doing many things for ME and have blogged about those a number of times. But I am also doing those things with a heavy heart. That, I do not know how to let go of. I've only been in this state once before, over 20 yrs ago... I don't know...
I am learning that the majority of couples that do end up reconciling don't do it until they have lived life with others, even after they have felt they have loved others. Only then are they, only than are we, able to truly judge in a healthy way what we want.
Maybe you understand why KD was asking you about X1 now.
Originally Posted By: 4311
I am in a tricky place. I have been doing many things for ME and have blogged about those a number of times. But I am also doing those things with a heavy heart. That, I do not know how to let go of. I've only been in this state once before, over 20 yrs ago... I don't know...
Can you tell me more about this?
I know for me, that I need to look deep within myself and really be sure that I will not repeat history again.
Instanity they say is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
But that does not mean that I have to stop eating butter cookies. (unless I weigh 500 lbs and have high cholestrol) Changing the right things is very important too.
I have a welcome post on the MLC forum See if you can find it and do all the homework I assign there.
Or you can start a thread there and I will put it on your thread.
If you study reconnection you are following the script.
Is this a good thing? "Following the script" seems to imply I am walking blindly rather than with intent.
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Can you tell me about this?
I was in 7th grade and met a girl in science class on the first day of school. I was still "baby" when it came to relationships, but the when I saw this girl it triggered something in me I had never felt before. Anyway, she already had a boyfriend so I knew my options were limited. We connected right off the bat and from that day on we had an interesting relationship. I say interesting because there was more of a "friend" connection yet she knew I was still just a kid. As is not uncommon she, as a girl, was a bit more mature when it came to relationships. So we had this friendship on the surface, but underneath that we both were drawn to each other and knew there was more. Our relationship continued like this for the next 2 years, her going through two boyfriends, each of those uncomfortable with the relationship we had. As those two years progressed I became more mature and started to want more. BUT, and this I think is very important to note, I HELD BACK. I judged that me bringing what had always brewed under the surface to the future could lead to one of two things: I could end up connecting with her on the surface as we connected under the surface OR I could loose her all together. I determined that the former was not worth the possibility of the latter so I held back, I didn't go to the next step because I was AFRAID I would loose her all together. This, however, began to bother me. It began to frustrate me, and to a point anger me. I was angry at her. I was angry at HER for a choice I was making by MYSELF. Then one day it happened. During the first few weeks of 9th grade, or first year in the new high school, we were as we always were. She was sharing with me, telling me how her summer was, telling me how this guy in our school had asked her out the other day and she accepted. Then it happened. The thing that changed my life. I lost it. When she mentioned the new guy I blew, I finally held back, I finally determined that no, no more, no longer is it worth keeping what I have with her over going through her getting in another relationship. I blew my top right there telling her all this with a raised voice. From my POV I was frustrated, angry, and had given up. She, during my entire blow up session, just looked at me with a look of interest and wonder. She had never seen this side of me, never met this guy. Of course, as is usually the case, the one thing in me that I held back for the previous 2 years is the one thing that did it. After that we were an item. That other guy was gone from her interest and I finally held her in my arms. This went on until graduation and into the first year of university. What I learned about life and love was immeasurable during those years. But of course, during our long distance relationship during the first year of university she ended up breaking up with me. The long distance was too much, we never saw each other, and to be fair, we were in a whole new chapter of life and seemed we both needed to break away from where we had been. My heart was broken. I continued on. She met her future husband a few years later in that university. I met mine a few years later while in college. We had no contact after the break up. If you haven't figured it out, that girl, was her. That girl ended up marrying me 20 yrs later. And here I am again with a broken heart. One major difference this time, and this has also been very important to realize, is that she also had a broken heart this time. Her heart broke within our marriage when she determined that I wasn't going to "wake up" and that she was going to move on.
Originally Posted By: Cadet
I know for me, that I need to look deep within myself and really be sure that I will not repeat history again.
And that is why I am here. Regardless of who I may connect, or reconnect with, I do not intend to be asleep in my life any further.
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Changing the right things is very important too.
Yes, that also is why I am here. I have begun to change many things. I'm sure there are things I am overlooking. I am not sure if all he changes I am working on now are healthy. I think they are, but I am open to analyzing them to be sure.
Is this a good thing? "Following the script" seems to imply I am walking blindly rather than with intent.
I was not trying to imply that it is good or bad, rather, where I as an outsider see you. And that is not implying anything either other than the words I read on the page. I think reconnecting is a good thing.
And if you are in AA(not saying you are) there are steps to recovery. We as LBS have similar steps to recover ourselves. They are not much different than our spouses either. You can not skip these steps or try to run ahead. You must plod along and experience each one.
Did you read the thread on reconnection?
Originally Posted By: 4311
My heart was broken. I continued on. She met her future husband a few years later in that university. I met mine a few years later while in college. We had no contact after the break up.
One major difference this time, and this has also been very important to realize, is that she also had a broken heart this time. Her heart broke within our marriage when she determined that I wasn't going to "wake up" and that she was going to move on.
So you went back to your teenage years after X1 to try to FIX what went wrong. And you repeated history again. Interesting.
Originally Posted By: 4311
I do not intend to be asleep in my life any further.
Maybe you are starting to wake up. I am not the one who can judge that. My suggestion again is to learn the script, learn about relationships and love. Throw everything you know out the window and start over. With a beginners mind.(DB102)
There is a ton of info here. I personally have read over 30 books on the subjects and I can see that for my next relationship where I can try to change my history.
So you went back to your teenage years after X1 to try to FIX what went wrong. And you repeated history again. Interesting.
Perhaps. I didn't see it that way. But I didn't see a lot...Fix? again perhaps, but that wasn't my intent. I'm not sure if you mean it was my intent, and I know you can't know. Not sure where to go with that. Perhaps it falls into the category of me putting myself in situations over and over until I finally learn from it.
Not sure I repeated history. Back then we were young we didn't have the "not being awake" or "living life" issues. I'm sure I'm missing something..
