Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

[Sweetbriar]

Im full of mixed emotions tonight! Here I go to rant and vent...

My H took D14 out to dinner last night (usual Wed night)and my D11 didnt want to go. This is becoming the usual...either only D14 goes or neither go...my D11 just doesnt have any interest in him right now and he seems to be okay with it. In fact, its getting pretty annoying that he favors D14 so much...she is always the one he is texting and telling her things.

So, I took D11 out to mall to shop while D14 went with H. I get a text while we are shopping that says:

D14: Hate this dinner
me: What is wrong?
D14: All dad is doing is complaining about money and I want to just go home
me: ask him to stop...talk about something else
D14: Dad keeps crying and so do I
Me: Hunny, Im so sorry

So, when I got home there was an earful from D14. Once again, just inappropriate stuff and this has made me finally realize that he is really mind fu**ing her and Im DONE WITH IT. ( Dont usually talk like that..but Im mad!) I talked to my IC about it on Tuesday and he agreed that there needs to be some boundary and maybe family counseling. I told him Im trying to lay low until after Christmas. I have been told numerous times on this board to get some family help and I have put it off because of the hesitation of the kids not wanting to do it, but I will be bringing this up to H as soon as his Mexico trip is over.

Here are just a few things he said to her last night:

*He was upset that after he texted both girls (at 11:30pm on a school night) that neither responded. He had texted about how they need to appreciate him more and that he had been working all day and his brain was mush.

D14 response: that they were sleeping and that she didnt know what he wanted her to respond with..

*He pays for all the mortgage and bills in the house and that no one appreciates him

*He hates his job and works all the time

*That he would do anything to make her happy and make this better ..to which she responded "then come home and leave OW" and he said I cannot do that.

She asked him if he was still seeing OW and he said yes. She asked when is there time if you are working so much and he said that he hardly gets to see her now. And told D that if he saw them more he wouldnt have to see OW as much (total guilt trip)

She also asked him how he planned on seeing the baby? She told him that he cannot text the new baby and hand him $20 every time he sees him....so what was his plan? He just shook his head...

She told him "you must not be too happy with OW, you are sitting in the middle of a restaurant crying..."

He told her that "mom and I dont click"

He said that "I only care about what you, D11 and mom think of me" D responded "you dont care about what mom thinks of you" and he said that he did. She then asked about if he cared what OW thought of him and he said "yes, but to a different degree"

D asked him what he was doing for Christmas and he said staying at his moms. He told her that he would probably be curled up in a ball sobbing all day. (she should NOT have this in her mind for Christmas day...)

D also told him that he doesn't know her anymore and he said he did and that she was so much like him. She responded that she is nothing like him and he said, "I bet if you were faced with a decision, I could tell you what you would do" I thought this was strange...she is NOTHING Like him..but he seems to think because she is down right now that she is like him in his teenage years. He doesn't see that he CAUSED IT!!! (Just like his parents caused so many of his problems...)

I'm trying to think of more stuff but I just forget it all..it was a mess. She was crying when I got home from the mall and saying that she hated him. Apparently, he also wouldn't stop talking about her going to a friends house the evening of Christmas Eve..he is upset that they don't want to see him even though that was never the plan. There was more..but you get the idea...that he is guilting and shaming her! This will cause more emotional damage to her than anyone, I'm afraid:(

Money and his job is NONE of her concern. And the whole crying in the restaurant over and over is weird to me!!! I just don't know what to make of it. He is obviously struggling bad but still wont realize that he did this. He doesn't see that he is no happier than when he left..in fact...I think he is worse off emotionally.

He has gone through the typical things...hating marriage, hating me, hating God and faith, hating everything ...NOW..he hates his job...

I know I'm all over the board here...bare with me...but I want to back up a bit and earlier in the night, before he got D14 for dinner he had texted me that our insurance is going to change for next year...this is bad since I'm pregnant and need to be with my docs..but I will cross that bridge later..we will be insure no matter what...anyway, he brought up him buying the crib and dresser again and wanted to know if I had picked anything. I told him NO, and he asked if I knew how much that stuff might be...I said NO, but did he want to give me a limit and he said NO, that he wanted good stuff.

So, strange that he is wanting this good stuff but complaining about no money, and he received a collection call for his car payment (NOT in my name thank god...) last night. I texted him to let him know about the call and I got a response this morning saying thanks. I proceeded to ask him (BEAT ME NOW....I DON'T KNOW WHAT GOT INTO ME)

Me: are you ok?
H: why?
Me: Just wondering...
H: some good days, some bad....work is crap and I hate going there...are you ok?
Me: ( I ignorned his question) ever think about home?
H: This time of year is very hard...I am struggling to keep it together
H: There is way too many things in the way of home now, and I don't think it's possible

I just left it at that...so I know...he is in a bad place right now but he continues to get deeper and deeper...instead of just making things better...

I really don't know what got into me to ask him if he was OK...I have not inquired anything about him in a long time and wont again..I have to admit though, that last night for the first time EVER since he has left, I cried because I felt sorry for him. I felt sad for him that he is in such a bad place and that his kids don't want to be with him. They were his pride and joy. I just cried and cried last night...and of course, cried that my kids are having to deal with this too...my poor D14 doesn't deserve to be sad over what her dad is dealing with...its none of her concern and he doesn't see that.

On another note...I got news that my stupid glucose test results were elevated so In for more testing...This is somewhat normal, but another thing on my plate..just kinda feeling sorry for myself...Its almost 5 months that he has been gone..and some days I feel like I'm totally fine and well and others, I just feel like I haven't progressed at all...

Sorry for the ramble..