The green green grass of home. (Part 2 )

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks all, Subguy. I'm still working on my lists. Well no I'm not, I haven't even started yet. I have them in my head but I haven't written anything down. I used to keep a diary up until I started dating H. H was very jealous of my diary because it talked of other guys before we were together. I ended up throwing it away for him.
I was only 16 and didn't know any better. I so wish I had my diary. Some of my darkest childhood days were in there. I guess I haven't really written much down since then.

LITB, I've pretty much stopped with the why, although they do pop up occasionally. I have had happy times, I probably didn't post much here though.
For some reason I tend to post more when I'm down.

I was feeling down because most of my GAL activities have included family. I don't know why this was getting to me. I have a huge family and am close to so many cousins, Aunts, Uncles, brothers, In laws on my side etc.
they are my friends. I hang around with them because I like to and there's nothing wrong with that. I don't know why i was feeling inadequate because of that.

I'm still struggling to hang around with mutual friends. I don't know why but it just brings up so many feelings.

I'm looking in to a new career and just trying to get out of debt to begin with.
Also things like the Christmas lights. I don't want to stop doing things like that, just because I'm used to H being there.

I have had many good times, it appears that being home really brings me down a lot of the time.

Thanks Busting, it was nice.

I think Christmas is playing a big part of it all. It's just so sad.
H got his tattoos today. He got the kids names. The kids loved it.
He said he wants to wake up with them on Christmas day.
I've fallen back in to the trap. H was nervous about getting tattoos and was worried about the pain. We texted a lot.

FB is another problem. I have removed H from my news feed but I do check his page every so often. He and OW are posting a lot to each other. He says they are just friends but whatever. The thing is he is calling her babe etc. he never used to call me that and it hurts. I'm thinking I need to remove him from my Facebook.

I don't know how to do that. Do I tell him first? Do I just quitely remove him, without saying anything? I just don't know.

I guess I feel like I am also just moving away, making it easier for them to be together. Yeah I know nothing I do can stop it anyway.

I'm really struggling to let go and detach.

I think I also have abandonment issues, which I don't know how to deal with.
I also have inadequacy issues.

H picked up the kids today and I'm struggling with that. I usually do a lot of Christmas crafts etc with them now and they are not here. Not having them on Christmas nights hurts too.