What I am learning.... Well, I've recently come to accept one huge thing - I need to keep working on myself until I stop hurting. Then, I need to continue work on myself for the balance of my life. I bring up the hurting aspect because sometimes when I focus on my feelings I know that I wont be any good to anyone, her or someone else, feeling like this. In addition and more importantly, I wont be any good to myself. I'm also learning that I need to continue connecting closely with friends and family. I say this because I have taken so much from you and others on this board. It quite's my inner mind when I read others' replies and when I am typing here in response or simply blogging away. I didn't do this for years. I didn't connect with others during our marriage, I put it all on her. To be fair, she did the same, but that's when it was all fluffy love. It's not that we didn't need others, we did, but we didn't plan our life or marriage in a way that looked forward. We were each others life and love for years - not healthy when there is no one else. We needed to live and love in and around a community, if you will, of other friends and family - we didn't. I have already put pen to paper some time ago with regards to what I am aiming for and am working towards those personal goals daily. I am learning that there is nothing wrong with hope. I am learning that I need to live my life without the expectation or reconciling. I am learning that the majority of couples that do end up reconciling don't do it until they have lived life with others, even after they have felt they have loved others. Only then are they, only than are we, able to truly judge in a healthy way what we want. I am in a tricky place. I have been doing many things for ME and have blogged about those a number of times. But I am also doing those things with a heavy heart. That, I do not know how to let go of. I've only been in this state once before, over 20 yrs ago... I don't know...
