Thanks, BklynMom. Good idea to have an indoor project to fill in when I get rained out of the outdoor one.
This evening's project is to come up with a healthy (no sugar) sweet potato pie recipe. It's been years and years since I've had one and it's been on my mind... All the Thanksgiving pumpkin pies are just a frustrating tease.
I notice that I have to work on appreciating it rather than negating it. I have negative tapes that play in order to keep my expectations down. It really is a challenge to remain positive AND without expectations.
I hear you on this. I struggle with the same. I sometimes feel like its to the point where I can't accept anything positive coming from him at face value, because I assume it is tied to an unknown, unexpected, upcoming BD.
I don't have full confidence in myself I think. I am still 'afraid' to feel at complete peace with myself because I feel my defenses will become weak and I will lose perspective and let those dang expectations come back.
I do try and continuously work on further detachment and PMA and I think I am much more consistent in my newly acquired behavior and mindset in general, although there is still aspects of fake it till you make it within my heart and mind.
Lets not let each other work so hard at protecting ourselves that we forget to live and enjoy our lives, and the blessings that surround us.
(((((SD)))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Okay Busting, let's be brave and remain open to the world.
P called this morning to check in about the winter plans. We had originally been planning to go away for a few months, but she bought a place and decided she didn't want to be away more than a month. Today she's applying for a job and it's been sunny there so maybe she doesn't want to go away at all. But, then again, she's looking at a camper that's for sale. Or she might sign up for a course at the local college. She's looking at different scenarios and wanted to discuss it with me.
WTF? I was very clear that she should first decide what she wants to do and then we could discuss things. I mean, she had to move out because she can't figure out what she wants if anyone else is around (she automatically worries about what they want). So, I really don't want my thoughts to be a factor in her figuring out what she wants. That just comes back to bite me.
She at first was asking questions about whether I still wanted to go or whether it might not work out for me (Will it work financially? What about that roof leak?). Kind of like she wanted me to bail so she wouldn't have to. Later, she said she didn't want to leave me in the lurch. Oy. I cheerfully encouraged her to figure out what she wants and let me know when she decides.
After I hung up I wasn't so cheerful. Time to remember "believe none of what they say and half of what they do". Wow, she's all over the map. And I passed up a different fun winter adventure in favor of making plans with P. Time to close my eyes and figure out what I'd like to do, regardless of P. I'll still be happy if something works out, but I'm not going to use the word "plan" with P at this point.
If you usually follow her lead, then come up with other plans. But if she doesn't tend to lead then follow and as you said, "cheerfully encourage her to figure out what she wants..."
You're doing great!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Hi SD, have you had any more thoughts on YOUR plans?
(((( ))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thanks, Vero. Now I have to think about that some more...
Busting, all I know so far is that I'm going to do something that I'll enjoy. After the holidays I'll get out the maps and start plotting my adventures!
I know you will SD. (((( )))) Cant wait to hear about it.
I am going to focus on my kids, my BIL and his family and my SIL (who is also my BFF) and her family, as my joy this holiday.
A little mulled wine may help in the joy as well ; -)
((((( SD))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
After hemming and hawing between long periods of silence, P has officially bailed on the trip plans. And no matter how many times she hinted, I wouldn't accept it and let go of the idea until she could be explicit and definitive. It took up way too much of my head space in the last month.
It's really hard to tear my attention away from the back and forth over there. And whatever I couldn't see, I made up. I was sure she was heading off without me.
She finally called tonight and we had a fun and interesting talk, as usual. (She often closes by saying she really enjoyed talking to me.) I'm sad to realize the trip is definitively cancelled. I'm relieved to know she's not going without me. I feel more calm having reconnected with her. And I have plenty of observations that I can just take in without necessarily having feelings or opinions about them.
She said she spent a long time agonizing about the logistics of the trip (which were definitely challenging). Then she decided that she really wanted to do a major project on the house she bought and she wants to bring her adult kids to visit her this summer. She can't afford to do all those things, so she identified her priorities.
It was a long call. I ended first. It's such an emotional let down when it's over. Such a long time between drinks of water.
I keep meaning to copy something particularly insightful that T^2 posted last month:
Originally Posted By: T^2
Things just kinda flow along these days since the last update. Today W was sharing how something from our past made her feel, that I was an agent of. I feel like I have made some true growth in that I did not get or feel defensive (for once)...I saw that she was expressing what her experience was, and that she wasn't seeking to blame, just telling me her experience. I had an opportunity to apologize again for it, and that I get it now. Without any internal defensiveness or having to justify, be right, etc.
I learned a lot about how she perceives the world, and/or was reminded of it with acceptance this time. Funny how certain things in how our spouses truly operate are over-looked, or not accepted, or ignored/pushed aside throughout the M...So much of this isn't really that much of a surprise to me, when I am honest with myself, I just didn't what to see, or accept it, or thought it would change down the road. Some things do, some things don't, or at least not right now.
When we detach, STFU, and listen, we start to get in touch with reality and learn who our partners really are. Plenty of yuck to wade through, but it's how we find the good stuff, too. The real stuff, not the fantasy we made up.
A whole lot of opportunities for, "Isn't that interesting?" Opportunities to really get to know these people again. For real this time.
I like this post, Imma read it over and over.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
