New Here - The Practicalities of Being A Friend

[Portia]

You know, we used to joke that we had a psychic connection and that all I would have to do is think of him and he would call.

As I was writing my last post - he texted. Sorry he missed me last night but was tired and conked out early.

The universe is a strange thing.

I will answer - just not right away. It is harder not to answer, I think, than not to initiate. I was never good at staying still - even to "feed the squirrels" as they say.

[Portia]

I am spinning in my own head, so in order to get back to work, I hope no one minds if I journal a bit.

And if anyone has any suggestions, I sure would appreciate them.

I spoke to x-partner last night. He had texted earlier in the day and specifically asked if I would be home so that he could call. As I had ignored his last few requests/VMs, I agreed.

The first thing he said when I answered the phone, with such obvious relief, was "Thank goodness you're home." I asked where did that come from, but he did not answer.

The conversation lasted about 40 minutes. Nothing overly personal, nothing about the OW and when he asked me what I had been up to, I brushed it off as very busy and then directed another question his way. In all, I managed to follow all of the Rules. I even managed not to offer any advice which is very, very new for me. I just listened.

One thing that I wish I was better at is validating. I am getting the hang of listening, but validating is still difficult for me. Sometimes it is because I miss an opportunity - for example, he has made it his mission (to the point of obsession these days) to get his finances in better order which is good - and while I do say that he is doing well and that it will take time, I do wish that I could come up with something a little less cliched.

He also told me about a couple of troubles that other couples we knew were having. He said, "Everyone is in turmoil". I was going to comment on that but stopped. I didn't want to wander into an OR talk. But maybe I should have? Was he trying to open up? I know he wants me to ask about OW. I refuse. I may not be able to stop him from talking about her but I will be knackered if I ask what I really do not want to know.

Other than that, the conversation was light and could have been between anyone. I ended it saying I had to hit the trail for my early start.

Now here are my questions:

We've been in this sort of holding pattern now for about two weeks. As far as I know, he is still with OW. There is no talk about the future at all.

Snodderly, I hear your words in my head - let him go. I have been trying to pull back. It is strange that time seems to be flying in the rest of my life but the time between contacts seems like forever, so I am not doing as well with that as I thought when I still see us talking still twice a week. But he is also contacting me frequently which is complicating my strategy.

Is "dim" an option? Does his frequent contact mean baby steps or is it just a step in the distance/pursuit dance?

I think the hardest thing about following advice for me is that I am an analyst by trade and by nature. If I am to get behind a conclusion, I need to know the data used and what other options were considered, rejected and why. Yes, I was that annoying child who always asked WHY.

I feel like this holding pattern is a good one for now and a good one for me through the holidays and I can reevaluate in the new year. But maybe others see things differently?

Trying to detach is still a struggle (not stating the obvious or anything, sheesh) but I am trying. Life is otherwise busy with the thousands of things and this year the holidays are going to be a challenge on several levels. As a couple, we always saved our special times for after Christmas because of the distance. New Year will be harder than Christmas in that respect.

Deep breath and back to work for me. Thanks for listening.

[job]

Portia,
Yes, I'm going to say it again...let him go. He's using you whenever he needs someone to listen to his woes and validate his issues. He's not sharing this stuff w/the ow because he only wants her to know certain things about his life.

Your life is in a holding pattern? Why? Because you are allowing this to happen. You are a young woman who has everything to offer the world and you shouldn't be putting your life in a holding pattern. You could very well be waiting for this man for the next 3,6, 9 years or longer. Don't sell yourself short. It's okay to chat once in a while, but you need to continue moving forward. As long as the ow is in the picture, he's going to remain w/her and loyal to her.

I don't see his communicating w/you as baby steps, but more like a toddler trying to walk and yet won't let go of mom's finger. You are a security blanket and one that he feels safe talking to you about his life and whatever is going on. Until you cut the ties, he's not going to hit bottom and come to realize that you are not there for him. As long as you continue down the path you are traveling, he will always feel safe and never waiver from his own path to grow up and learn about life. You are exactly where he left you and until you start moving in a new direction, he will not change. Why would he? He's got the best of both worlds...two women that want him. He's loving the attention that you both give him...fuel for his ego.

Drop the rope and allow him to either learn to sink or swim. It's time he realized what a great person you are and if you are not there for him...just what he's bound to lose. Time to stop feeding the emotional/ego fix he receives from contacting you.

Portia, time to live your life to the fullest. Don't put your life or this situation on hold...life doesn't sit still and you just never know what is around the corner in the way of pleasant surprises.

[Melting]

Portia! I found you!

I've just caught up on your sitch and snodderly's post above hit me pretty hard, as this was something I was just talking to my C about today. References to me being H's rock, he needs the rock and loves the rock, but sometimes resents and feels he needs to run from it, do his own thing. C pointed out how I had taken on a 'mother' role in the relationship, not allowing H to grow and protecting him from potential 'mistakes' he may make. I've been revisiting many past instances where this was true, remembering how I bubble-wrapped H or took charge and was the decision maker, possibly emasculating H (not intentionally, my intents were to take care of things and get things done). But she reminded me how I rarely LET him take care of me, even when I desperately wanted him to.

I relate to your independence in the relationship. Us LDers really have to be independent people, or we can't survive LDs very long.

Reading your sitch, I agree that by letting go and enjoying you and your time, you may find yourself enjoying yourself without even realizing it. Let him deal without you. One of two things will happen, 50/50 odds either way. Regardless of what happens in the future, you still have to live with you. So why not allow yourself to have some fun (I know, it's so much easier to tell someone else that then live it myself... ;-)). Just FYI, I actually put my phone away tonight and am doing my best to not go in the other room to see if my little light is blinking...so Pavlovian.

I am all for an LD DB road trip through Italy. Sign me up and tell me when!

[Portia]

Snodderly and Frozen,

Thank you for your posts.

Snodderly, you have given me much to think about and respond to and I will. Frozen, I am glad you found me and I will check on you soon, too.

I have been away for a few days dealing with my sick parent who had to return to hospital. She is terminal and will likely not return home. We are praying that she makes it through Christmas.

I finally had to give in and make an appointment to see my doctor. I am losing all sense of time and all I want to do is sleep, I am so exhausted. GALing at this point seems a cruel joke. I tried to distract myself over the weekend by spending a few hours at a Christmas party but only lasted about two hours before feeling like the walls were caving in on me.

X-partner texted on Friday and called twice (no message). I did not answer, not even to tell him of the situation. Just really did not want to talk to him.

Had to phone him earlier when I got a call from my insurance asking why is it that he is calling them (the insurance is under my name). So I had to call him. He's never called the insurance in his life. Just one more MLC-thang, I guess. Money seems to be his current obsession. He asked if I would be home tonight and I told him quite honestly that I would likely be asleep very early.

I have been reading some posts and it seems that there are a few of us that are questiong what the heck we are doing here. Deep down I know the answer to that, but seriously, I wonder if it would not be easier to just say: Please do not contact me ever again. Maybe not easier, but more certain.

Will post again soon.

[job]

Portia,
I am very sorry to hear about your ill parent. I hope she makes it thru Christmas. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts in prayers.

If you are losing track of time and wanting to sleep, the symptoms could be a sign of depression. Your body is trying to tell you to slow down, take a deep breath and take care of yourself.

Why would he even think the insurance would tell him anything if it is in your name? Is his name on the policy as well? If so, you need to have his name removed as soon as possible. I don't blame you for not picking up the phone. You aren't feeling well and should not have to deal w/his calls or text messages. Don't take his calls this evening. Your number priority is YOU! Go to bed early and get some much needed rest.

You are not ready to cut the ties w/him. You'll know when you are ready.

Please take care of yourself.

[Portia]

Snodderly, I have been giving your post some thought.

Yes, I'm going to say it again...let him go. He's using you whenever he needs someone to listen to his woes and validate his issues. He's not sharing this stuff w/the ow because he only wants her to know certain things about his life.

Let him go...I am finally getting this. This is not just about when to answer or how to answer when he does call, is it? It is about emotionally letting him go, is that right?

I am trying. The strangest thing is that my biggest fear, that he would never speak to me again, has been unfounded. Even when I do not contact him, he contacts me. Worse for my detachment, he isn't mean and our conversations are generally good. So, I feel guilty for not answering when I am home.

Yes, if I dig deep, I am feeling guilty. I may not have caused the MLC (and I am positive that is what this is, especially after yesterday) but I know that I contributed to the breakdown of our relationship in a very big way. I was brought up to be very independent by a mother who was not particularly happy in her role as wife and mother. So when things got tough, I just got tough. And just by listening to me, he gave me even more strength. But I ignored his needs and really ignored some of the red flags that were being waved. The long distance did not help.

So, I find it hard to now discount his feelings when it appears I did for so long especially when he is reaching out for support. Thus, my battle - answer, not answer, reply, do not reply. Especially when there is more than one attempt.

Your life is in a holding pattern? Why? Because you are allowing this to happen.

Sorry, I meant to communicate that the relationship was in a holding pattern. But given the other circumstances right now, it probably is not wrong to say that my life is also. It won't be forever. One thing about being long distance is that my own life has to be lived - not that there are not ways to make it better, and I intend to!

As long as you continue down the path you are traveling, he will always feel safe and never waiver from his own path to grow up and learn about life. You are exactly where he left you and until you start moving in a new direction, he will not change. Why would he? He's got the best of both worlds...two women that want him. He's loving the attention that you both give him...fuel for his ego.

Agreed....intellectually. So difficult to get the heart to follow.

With regard to the insurance, he was asking about a refund that we were getting from a cancelled service. Insurance has always been in my name. The cheque will come to me and the plan was to then give him his portion of the refund. At one point he said I could have it, although I did not intend to keep it. Guess he changed his mind.

Thank you for your well wishes and prayers.

[Portia]

I've been revisiting many past instances where this was true, remembering how I bubble-wrapped H or took charge and was the decision maker, possibly emasculating H (not intentionally, my intents were to take care of things and get things done). But she reminded me how I rarely LET him take care of me, even when I desperately wanted him to.

I relate to your independence in the relationship. Us LDers really have to be independent people, or we can't survive LDs very long.

I can so relate. I was the decision maker.

It is still a bit bewildering to me how much I still miss him, even when he was not physically there most of the time. Where's all my so-called independence now?

[Portia]

Just checking in.

So tired these days. But can't really sleep.

Went to the doctors. He suggested ADs for the anxiety and counselling. "Major depression" was his diagnosis. I truly did not see that one coming. He thought that I was already extremely stressed when the BD came it was not the cause, but the trigger, and then with the other famly issues, my body and brain were just screaming No More!

So, I am trying to take things a bit easy but always have this nagging in my head that my work is suffering and there are a gazillion deadlines that I have to meet...etc...etc.

Spoke to x-partner about the insurance. Asked point blank if he felt I was going to run away with his money (seriously not that much money)? He assured me "Sweetie" that was not the case. I do not believe him. The funny thing is that he had previously told me that I could keep the refund although I never intended to. How quickly they forget. And seriously, he was the one who lied and cheated...and I am the one who can't be trusted? Sorry, I am trying not to obsess but this must be how Alice felt in Wonderland.

I wonder, for those of you experiencing an MLC SO, if any of the MLCers still dig far back and talk of good memories with you? Mine seems to dwell in the past quite a bit. The re-writing of history is in regard to feelings only - haven't loved you in years - but the memories are good. I do not think this means anything, it was curiously "off script".

He said he would call me the next night, but didn't. I am not surprised. Haven't heard from him since.

Otherwise, I have not been as preoccupied with him as the above seems to suggest. I am going to really have to look after myself. No one else will, if I don't. I will consider myself extremely blessed if the ADs bring back my ability to concentrate on work. Rather horrified that I need them, but if they work, then so be it.

[job]

Portia,
You've been in overdrive for a very long time. Hopefully the ADs will take the edge off and you'll feel better soon. It's nothing to be ashamed of. You've had a lot of stresses in your life at one time.

Yes, your analogy of Alice in Wonderland and how she felt just about sums it up. They lie and cheat and yet they don't trust us. Why? Because they are projecting on to us what they are doing. It's crazy, but that's how it works in their little minds.

My xh spoke of good memories and yet it wasn't enough to turn him around. My xh told me he hadn't loved me in 10, 5 and 1 years. They time will change w/them.

I'm not surprised he didn't call you. He got his emotional fix from you. BTW, the emotional fixes are draining you. You need to let him stand on his own two feet and not be readily available to him. If he calls, don't answer the calls for a while. You need to take care of yourself. He's not thinking about how you are feeling, he's only thinking of himself. So what, if he panics or gets scared because he can't reach you. He's a bit boy and trust me, he can take care of himself and find someone else to talk to for a while.

Portia, it's time that you put yourself first. Make your health your number one priority.