My wife wants to separate

[GH31]

GH13 I mean PLEASE be blunt with me!!

Who's this GH13 guy then ?

I will be blunt with you.

You are not alone. There are men here who have walked the same treacherous path you're treading now and who have made it to the other side.

Go and read the posts I wrote on Denver_2010's thread and even more so, read what Denver himself had to say.

He got his wife back.

So did Starsky & Jack_Three_Beans. There are others whose names escape me. Nathan and David posted here back in 1999 but I don't know if their posts are still around. You'll need to get your searching fingers typing. There's another poster named Phoenixdeux here who was a great help to me. He actually got divorced and then he and his wife remarried some time later.

Read, print off, and study the threads of men who successfully did what you yourself want to do.

APPLY the lessons.

There are common threads and characteristics although each journey will be different in the detail.

What you need to do more than anything else is to learn how women really tick, especially in the context of relationships and marriage. All of us can get better at it but for you to have a shot at saving your marriage you need to do this urgently.

Remember, Divorce Busting is the following two things:

1. Do what works
2. Reject what doesn't work.

[GH31]

Hey NiceGuy,

I found one of Nathan's threads

Read them.

This guy posted on here over 12 years ago in the middle of his situation and came back 1 or 2 years ago to write an update. He was still with his wife at the time of writing.

Read David's posts as well if you can find them.

Best,

GH31

[SM34]

GH31 thank you for the advice and the words of encouragement. Please add me to your list so you can stop by my thread from time to time and give me pointers. I have been posting a lot of what is happening as a journal and so I can collect my thoughts and be able to read them to myself later when situations change. I also want input from everyone else who has been in this position. We need to help each other! Or more so I need help! When I have more experience in this, I will be able to help others too.

I have a question. I want to read all the books I can read. So far, I only get to read when W goes to spend the night at OM. Is it OK to read relationship books infront of her? I think that it would send a message that I am trying to learn, but also she was very firm in saying it was too little too late during the first day or two of this saga. What is everyone's opinion?

By the way, I'm sure you are thinking that I need to man up and tell her she cant stay at our house and see OM whenever she wants to go stay there. But, I am trying to act is if we are friends and we need to stay together to help raise our daughter. I am basically buying time, hoping I can make changes in myself and the way I show her love, and perhaps also that her R with OM will fall apart somehow (could be wishful thinking). What do you think on this?

Our interactions are very pleasant. When I play with our daughter and make her laugh, W says "Daddy loves you so much". When I successfully get her bathed and fed and into bed at a reasonable time (when W is away for the night) she will message me to see how it is going with daughter. When I tell her she is already sound asleep I get a "Good job daddy!" message. I think that is a good foundation that she sees me step up to the plate and be the awesome daddy that I am, and be able to take over some of her duties. I think for W it is more of letting me walk in her shoes so to speak, rather than abondonment. She thinks I never appreciated all that she has to do and all that she puts up with as far as our over active child goes. So now she gets to watch me handle it on my own, and I am proud to say I am owning it!! Last saturday I played with my daughter all afternoon. Then I got her fed, bathed, and in bed at a reasonable time. Sunday when she woke up, I made breakfast, then took her to play at an indoor playground she loves to go to. We were there much longer than my W would have taken her for. Then we went home and I made lunch for D. We played a little at home and outside, then I took her to the park for another round of playing. My W was stuck 1.5 hours away because OM had failed to tell her he had something to do on Sunday and so she spent the whole day waiting for him without a car, and messaging me to see what we were upto. She was supposed to come spend sunday with us, but because of OM she had to sit and watch, and see how wonderful of a daddy I am. I love my little princess!

[JamesH]

I think you are in dangerous territory.

My wife is basically trying to do something similar. She wants the 'best friend' and 'father of her children' relationship with me but then the freedom to see OM at her own pace.

Classic having your cake and eating it too as far as I am concerned. I thought this was a good idea for a while too until I understood that this is a complete lack of respect for me and our marriage.

I promised to keep the peace until Christmas at which time her rental house becomes available. I have made it crystal clear to her that the 'best friend' routine ends the day she leaves our home. There will be no more 10 calls or 50 texts per day etc.
There will be no unscheduled visitations for the children. My week is my week, hers is hers.
Seperation MEANS seperation.
There has been a lot of tears on her part since this conversation.
I am not entirely convinced at this point if she will go through with moving out or not.
She is welcome to stay as long as she wants on the proviso that we see a marriage councilor. Other than that, she will have to go through with her plan to leave.
Everything has been on her terms after BD day. That changes now.
No woman wants a doormat for a husband. In fact, it seems the more I am hardening to her emotion and the more I pull away, the more she wants to discuss R. I just need to have the mental fortitude to keep up with my actions and not let the emotion get in the way.

[SM34]

Do the veterans agree with this? Is it better to buy time and keep your wife in the house in the hopes that she changes her mind or the I'm relationship goes sour? Or pressure her to respect you and move out? Seems if she moves out there is less chance if seeing changes the H is making.

[SM34]

Need some responses guys! I have a new development. My MIL and I have been suggesting to my W to ask her therapist to switch her off the Zoloft and to something else. her appointment was today. Anyway, she just told me that the therapist recommends she stays on Zoloft because it is the best for the panic attacks she gets. Then the W says to me 'I feel good on the Zoloft. The only disadvantage is I can't orgasm anymore, which [censored]'. I was stunned! I don't want to hear about her sex with OM. Although I must admit I got a kick out of knowing she is not having any orgasms with him. We NEVER had that problem. Sex may have not been enough for her, but I made sure she ALWAYS had her big O.

Question for the veterans and especially the ladies. Is it possible for a new relationship (3 week old) to stay fun and exciting if you cannot even orgasm? Wouldnt that get old fast? So now I know the sex is not that good, the only thing left OM is providing that I was not is compliments and self esteem boosters. I need to work on those. Any ideas? Is it too early to start? i know that DB rules say she is not ready for advances from you yet and you should wait for when she shows more interest in our R. Is that right?

[GH31]

Do the veterans agree with this? Is it better to buy time and keep your wife in the house in the hopes that she changes her mind

Yes.

or the relationship goes sour?

It's already sour brother, she is banging an OM.

Or pressure her to respect you and move out?

Yes. Eventually. But not before a period of time has elapsed where she has seen the changes you're making for you. The last memories she has of you need to be excellent ones.

If you ask her to move then you do it to respect yourself, not because you're trying to "get" her to do something or "see" something.

Seems if she moves out there is less chance if seeing changes the H is making.

Exactly.

Which is why you need to give it period of time before you throw her out. A period of time when you meet as many needs as she will allow you to meet. This is not time for you to be a doormat, you are simply pleasant, fun, and responsible.

There will come a time when your wife and her behaviour start to utterly disgust, outrage and sicken you. This point is when you lovingly throw her out and inform her you will be having no more contact until/unless the affair completely ends. You do this because you are no longer able to keep a lid on your own emotions (anger) when you are around your W.

I will tell you this though.

The chances of this affair just spontaneously ending are extremely remote. Most do end, but usually after the H has enough of his W's sick behaviour and has no more contact with her, forcing OM to meet all of the adulterous wife's needs and the W finds out pretty quickly how inadequate he is in this regard. That's when they usually start making overtures to the H again about "working on things" - don't be fooled though. They often want to keep the OM plate spinning as well.

Dr. Willard Harley calls this Plan A followed by Plan B.

Just remember, all of your changes have to be sincere and they have to be for YOU alone. Otherwise none of it will work.

GH31

[SM34]

GH31 thank you for stopping by, please do so as often as possible. Need the help!

When I referred to the relationship going sour I meant the W and OM not me and W. But I guess you are right. There is not much chance of.org.ending on it's own.

But, my wife left me because of intimacy issues. Can she then settle for a R with no orgasms? Seems like she must be thinking she can't win. But OM is laying on the compliments really thick I am sure!

[SM34]

GH31 I changed my name!! No more niceguy!

I also googled Dr. Willard Harley and found Plan A and Plan B. This is FASCINATING information! Although he does recommend blowing the cover on the which seems to contradict the DB principles of keeping the road back home as smooth as possible.

[JamesH]

GH31,

So if my wife wants to be out of the house for a few days and then come back and so forth, you think it would be best to allow that?

It feels wrong to me, but if this will help me in the long run to help our relationship then I will be prepared to consider it.