Changing Directions

[mamabird]

Thanks all of you.

Floyd - I totally get that Hot Guy probably was just looking for some action. It scares me a little that he sensed I would be open to it, wedding ring and all. I feel a lot of physical attraction between us (always have) but not much more than that. You shouldn't act on any of the women that are showing interest, that is, unless you want to. I see in your sitch that you really love your W and want her to come back to you; therefore I'm not sure it's a great idea to go out side the marriage.

Spartan - I agree with what you are saying, and I'm not ready to jump into another R. Don't want another R. I have been doing a lot of reading and thinking and deciding on the person that I want to be.

Breakdown - yours is the toughest here. I think that you're right, what I have been doing is not really DB, not LRT anyway. On the other hand, now I'm not sure I want to stay with H, and it's not just a defeatist position. I am having a hard time finding the positives here, and I've said it before - why would I want to be with someone who treats me so badly? And he *is* treating me really badly - consistently, I might add.

Reading a book now called "The Power of Empathy." It's kind of interesting because my H would always say I had no empathy, which is true to a degree. I was very wrapped up in my job and everyone else's needs came second. But I see now that he has none towards me, either. Just before going to sleep I came upon a part that described 4 ways couples fight. Two of the tactics, "exit" and "neglect", (one being "hot" and one being "cold") got employed regularly by my H. These were the two tactics that were the worst predictors of marital success.

All of this is to say that I don't see much hope for this M to succeed anymore. It's like I've opened my eyes to reality. He has done some bad sh!t and is not willing to even start to accept or own it. We are nowhere near on the same page - we are not even in the same book, the same room, the same house, the same town. He will not take accountability for anything he's done. I am sure he knows deep down that our MC is crap but still refuses to do anything about it.

Therefore... the time has come for me to live for me. That's DB, in a nutshell, right? It's easy for you to tell me not to look outside the marriage, but look where you are. You just went on a cruise with your W and you are getting many (if not most) of your needs met in your M. I, on the other hand, get treated like a second-class citizen in my own home. I am sorry, that is garbage, that is BS and I am done with it. This is the strength that I have. To move forward and to feel like it's the right decision. I'm not saying "don't look back." I'm just saying move forward vs continue to stand still.

I could take the MBR back, but honestly I do not want to be in the bed with him and at this point, I don't want to upset things before the holidays. If I put a deadline on it - I am coming back into the bedroom on X date - H will say I haven't changed. Which is true. So I am basically stuck in this situation and I think he knows he's put me in that position. Again, not fair and completely disrespectful. How many times have I heard in the last 6 months on this board that my H is not cool? My mother's boyfriend, who is 80+, told me, "Regretful, why would you want to be with someone so weak?"

So I see that my best option at this point is to walk away, at least for a while. I'm not running to get a D (like he was). I just need a break, I need perspective. I need to feel loved and appreciated, I am sorry Breakdown, but I do. I have for a long time, and I don't see the point in depriving myself for the sake of this M now that it's clear that H won't invest in it. I feel just like I did about my job. I tried. I did everything I could to salvage it, to make it work out. It wasn't my preference to leave. But it was killing me inside and I knew I didn't want to live like that anymore, that I couldn't live like that. I have to give up on it until I see something from him. I am sorry, I have to now. Life is just too short and I've suffered too long in this situation. No one should have to suffer the way I did in this M. I am done being a doormat for the sake of the M.

You think about your W for a second and your own behavior and I'm sure you don't blame her for walking (at least temporarily), now do you?