One year after BD and I'm happy!

[scaredsilly]

thank you vero and busting,
after talking to H yesterday, i guess i sounded a little too happy about maybe having a christmas together. he did not text me last night and has not this morning.

i waited until 10 pm to send him this email:

"H, i know we agreed to "talk" on friday. i also said that i didn't have a present for you for christmas and maybe we could go shopping after christmas for gifts for each other. you seemed kind of reluctant. i sense a pulling back from you whenever i move towards you. it's been, in my opinion, a cat-and-mouse game and it has left me very tired. i can't continue to play games. you leave me, i pursue you, i think i'm done, you pursue me, i feel a move towards reconciliation on your part and i move towards you, you pull back. i'm sure this shows that you have some very severe doubts about a life with me and a future with me. i understand that and sympathize.

however, i'm too mature to go through this anymore. i'm not afraid of new beginnings and new opportunities for happiness. at times, i actually look forward to them and starting over. do i want to stay married to you? some days, yes, some days, no. would it be easier to stay married? maybe from a financial point of view and from a freedom of all the hassles. but i'm not afraid of them, not entirely. i'm a little worried about how we would be towards each other in a divorce but not enough to stay married and be unhappy. and certainly not enough to continue with things as they are. there seems to be a big power struggle going on here for you but, that's just my opinion.

i worry about being able to trust you. you have treated me cruelly in the past. you have taken money from me. you have put others before me many times. can you be different? i'm really scared about that more than anything. i don't want to be in this same place two, three, five years from now with more of my life wasted when i could have been over all this and maybe have a new life of happiness with someone else.

i won't play games anymore. please read what i need in a mate again, please, and truly think it through and decide if it's really what you are or are capable of. there's no shame in admitting that you're not for me. not everyone can be right for another person. if you're not right for me then, it stands to reason that, i'm not right for you. we may have been right for each other once but things and people change. some people don't want things to change.

i wrote this paper after i got back from (my hometown) in august. it was the day of our 15th anniversary when i made my appointment with the third lawyer. i gave him his retainer on my mastercard. he was the most reasonable. my appointment was on friday, the 31st. i hired him for a collaborative divorce. he took all the information and dictated a letter to be written by his secretary. it was to go out by the following wednesday, sept. 5th.

i called the secretary on that wednesday to see if it had gone out. she said it was on the other secretary's, "things-to-do pile", and that it would be done soon. the very next day, in the morning, i got the email from you, asking what i might need in a mate. i immediately called and sent an email to the attorney to stop the letter. they refunded the retainer because they really hadn't done anything for me other than the consultation.

i stopped the letter and the process because i thought there was a chance for us to make it and that you may have changed your mind about divorcing me. you had been so adamant about not loving me and not wanting to be with me. you did not want to live with me at (our home) and had decided to live with your mother, "for now". i told you i had to move on. i could not stay in this "limbo" of a relationship any longer. your email to me made me think differently.

however, i'm seeing a pattern here of pursue, distance, pursue, distance. please, please stop this. please let me go or come home and let's work on our marriage. if you want to give up on it, i can honestly handle it. i'm ready now. i've made some plans and i can make it. it won't be the easiest thing to do but it also won't be the hardest. this unknown thing is the hardest for me. i don't have the network and activity of family to live with and friends to work with that you have in your life. i can have it but a lot of it is in (my hometown) so i need to make more of my life up there.

if you want to end it, then this attachment is still what i want and need. some of it has already been settled, i think, pertaining to the financial support of your kids. some of the figures for the (vacation condo) will need updating.

you told me today that when i asked you to think about moving back to (our home) while in was in (my hometown) in august, that you felt i was "telling you what to do". i told you then that the reason i wanted you to think about it was that i couldn't continue with things as they were. and here we are, still continuing with them as they have been; you at your mother's with your family and kids around, me at (our home), alone. i'm not going to do this anymore, no matter what we talk about on friday, if you still want to come and talk. i'm not talking in circles anymore. i told you we've already said pretty much everything there is to say. if we stayed together, we would need to start negotiations about what we want and don't want to live with.

i know you like control. i feel you have been controlling my life for a year now. a person needs to have control over their own life. i have to have it now.
i won't be abandoned for another christmas. this is not an ultimatum. this is just me letting you know how i have to be treated to even think about a relationship. please do what makes you comfortable.

let's just get this over with, one way or the other. you will have to commit to something now. it's been a year and that's long enough. if i were in my 30's, it might be different. we are not so young anymore.

SS
p.s. i'm waiting until 10 pm to send this. for the past few weeks, you would text me sometime in the evening. now that you feel me "pushing" ("telling you what to do" by being happy about maybe being married again, happy about doing things with you, living together, doing some christmas shopping together, etc.), you are pulling back and not contacting me. that's the pattern. so, i'm giving you the benefit of the doubt by waiting because i'm hoping it's not more of the same. you've claimed to be vulnerable but you are very guarded, much more so than i am. people can't be together like that. it's not being authentic."



so, we'll see what happens.