My wife wants to separate

[FloydMan]

Niceguy, in the grander scheme of things I have not been at this much longer than you. If I knew the answers to thise questions, I likely would not be on the board. This whole thing [censored] for everyone. While we have not been perfect, nobody is. They have bigger issues than us in their psyches. Deep within. It is sad.

[SM34]

EXACTLY! My MIL has said to me many times that your W is depressed and is trying to escape what she feels is the case of her depression, which is our marriage. In reality, the cause of her stress is the fact that being a stay at home mom did not turn out to be the fairy tale story she thought it would be. She also has an incredible insecurity related to her not having worked in so long. She has her own business and I offered many MANY times to help her get it going. I was pushing for my daughter to be in day care full time and for my wife to start working at her business. I could sense her frustration with our setup, and I could sense her starting to feel trapped in a life she never wanted. But her insecurities of working and possibly failing, and her desire to not feel less than if she quit full time parenting, eventually drove her to lose her mind. Now the OM, especially since he lives so far away, is an escape from her unfulffiling life. Intimacy and sex was a big part but I believe she became obsessed with how frequent we had sex to make up for a void in her, a void that no amount of sex will fill. Her mother knows her very well and has been through the same scenario her self, and has told me it is just a matter of time before she realizes that this isn't making her happy either, and it takes an experience like this to realize that happiness is from within you. You cannot wait even for your spouse to make you happy when you are not fulfilled with what you do with yourself every day of your life while the spouse is at work.

The problem is that we had a lot of stressfuil things that she had to deal with lately. We have a rental house that has been vacant for many months now that we have been renovating and also paying the mortgage for. This has added to my anxiety and need to make more money at work,. Also, our daughter has behavioral issues that we have been trying to seek help for but those child screening programs run by the state take for ever to come to observe. This has added more anxiety for my wife.

My daughter goes to a crap school where they are very disorganized. They havent ordered the necessary help from and they dont have anyone qualified to deal with behior in 3 year olds. I have been begging my wife to agree for us to transfer her to a better school where they have better teachers. We even found one that is WAY nicer and every teacher there is certified etc. and it is CHEAPER than the school she attends now. But my wife kept saying no, we need to give them more time. Daughter is used to the teachers there and they like her. Yes but they cant control her! We have to pick her up by noon every day, and so you have to spend the whole day dealing with her! And you are not fulfilled! You want to have a career, and you have a business that I helped you setup. I can help get it rolling! My sister in law owns a business that does marketing and advertising and print, commercials, etc. My brother owns a business with 54 employees so he has a lot of experience. We will all help you! You can do this! Because you are smart and you are good at what you do. Nothing. No matter how much I tried to convince her that she was not happy with herself, and the crazy life that our lives had become, she hid behind wanting to do the best for our daughter.

I finally convinced W to go to tour the nicer school and talk to the teachers that would be teaching my D class. They understood completely and all of them had background in behavioral problems, and they also knew the person who was handling her case in the county early intervention program so they can pull strings and get it expedited. They are also confided our daughter can stay there the whole day until 5pm.

Also our management company just signed a lease with a tenant yesterday. So my W will not have to worry about this project once we wrap up the final things that need to be done for those people to move in.

So it is all coming together now! Any our lives will be so much more free of stresses! But I am worried that W will attribute that to being with this OM and not realizing that actually we have taken care of the issues we should have taken care of a long time ago. I am afraid she will think her life is awesome now because of OM and not because she jumped the guns and escpaed right before things were falling into place.

Busy season for my business is tax season which starts soon. There should be plenty more money for the next 6 months and I plan to use it to pay down debt to reduce our monthly costs, and also expand my business but opening another branch. I feel like things were about to get better for all of us, and now my wife is acting like she wants to throw that all away. Very VERY frustrating and disheartening!

[KLB]

When I look at it, my W and my problems are all borne from insecurities - on both our parts. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to provide well enough. I was afraid I she would leave me, as all my previous relationships did. She was afraid she wasn't sexy enough or that a man could love her for being her self.

The saddest thing is that we made our fears come true, by not working with each other to help on another feel secure and supported. Because we were only vulnerable with ourselves and not each other, the trust broke down.

Rebuilding that trust is at the core of the DB process. Until she stops revising history, that can't really happen.

Again - you're lucky that the OM is such a complete douche. That does help her see that Prince Charming isn't a reality. But I imagine she will suffer a bit of a backlash toward you. The fantasy she based her actions on is proving not to be true. This will make her a bit defensive. You are (in her mind) the source of the problem. So when she feels disappointed in her OM, she may take it out on you for forcing her into the situation to begin with.

Screwed up thinking? Yeah. But typical from what I can tell. So just be ready for it and don't react. Just respond with quiet support.

I genuinely find that thinking of my W as being crazy helps me to detach from a lot of this kind of behavior. I'm certainly not trying to insult her with this, but looking at her actions and thinking, they aren't that of a rational person. And, though she has tons of friends, she is actually alone in this process. Her friends are lazy and immature in their love of her, so they just "support" her thinking and tell her that she is right and must stay strong. So thinking of my W as being tremendously confused, with a bunch of people pushing her to keep being confused, allows me to feel tremendous sympathy for her.

I know you want this to be over quickly and for your lives to get back to "normal" but it isn't going to happen that way. It is going to take some time, a lot of work - even if she comes back, and things will never be what they were. That said, I believe they can become better than what they were, but it is going to mean changing on both your parts.

You might want to check out Mort Fertel's site and book. He tends to focus on actions to take to improve your marriage. For me, anyway, it is nice to have a list of things I can do each day to improve how I interact with my W. Not that I get to practice them much!!

[SM34]

I have noticed something new in her behavior and was not really sure why. I have noticed that whatever I say is met with some anger. If she didn't quite hear what I said, she will say "WHAT?" in an angry tone. If I ask her where something is in the house or if she knows the answer to something, she snaps at me or gives a sarcastic answer. So it would appear the backlash you are talking of might be the cause of this. This wasnt the case during the first 2 weeks of relationship with OM. During that time, she looked happy and on top of the world, calm and collected. That is why i had asked in an old post if you guys are sure the WAW has a whirlwind in her head because my W didn't seem like that at all. She seemed done with the marriage, done with me, and ready to move on. She even seemed withdrawn from our daughter.

The last couple days she has been asking me how my day was and if I need a nap because I looked after the baby while she was gone. Last night she went to spend the night at OM and left me with our daughter. I did bath and dinner and story time and put her to bed. Then at 3:30am she woke up and I had to figure out a way to get her back to sleep. I ended up on the couch with her on my shoulder for the rest of the night so she could sleep, although I didn;t get even a wink of sleep.

It is sad now what has happened to me. I worked so hard and setup a household that works together. I work hard to make the money and my wife takes care of the house and baby. So in a situation like last night, she would have stayed up with her all night so that I can sleep so I can go to work. Then she would nap when D goes to school. This is the second time this exact situation has happened and both times it has been when W is spending night at OM. So now I have to work to pay all the bills and secure the future of my daughter, and possibly my wife if she chooses to follow through with Divorce (Alimony etc..) and also have to live the single parent lifestyle. I love my daughter to death and enjoy every minute with her! i stood my ground on custody and told my wife if you leave, you leave on your own, My daughter has my last name, and this has been her house and her bedroom since she was born. She will stay here with me regardless of what you decide to do.

today W is telling me we should keep daughter home from school for the next couple weeks until after new year when she starts her new school. So that means the W will be at our house all the time, and not sure when she thinks she will squeeze time to visit OM 1,5 hours away. I think she feels bad and the guilt of feeling like she is abondoning her daughter is setting in. My W is a wonderful mother and from the day of the B, she has tried to convince me that our daughter will not suffer or pay the price for this. I of course told her that is impossible because a home with mommy and daddy is ALWAYS better than a single parent household or joint custody. I think she got a taste of that a couple times now because she had no way of being there for our daughter when she needed her the most. Daughter had a fever and daddy had to take care of her all night instead of mommy and I think that is bothering her.

I hope there are some reality checks of how a broken home functions and how the kids pay the ultimate price. That would pull on the guilt strings without me doing it myself.

[FloydMan]

Keep being a great Daddy. I plan to be and will never give that up. My W has been very neglectful of both responsibilities and their emotional stability and completely irresponsible. They are in a zone that they don’t see the collateral damage. This is why we can only take so much of it personally.

[SM34]

Amazing isn't it? I never knew that 70% of divorced are initiated by the wife until my sitch. Incredible! Such emotional creatures they are. I never searches type if guy who preys on a winona vulnerability but it seems it is so easy! If they show any signs of neglect, you can flood someone else's wife with compliments and blow smoke up her skirt and you can take her away from the man that made a vie to honor her and protect her, to provide for her and your children until death do you part ....it your wife gets board lol

Ok let's get back to DBing folks! Trying to detach. So hard when she lives with me and she is right this second wrapping gifts to put under the tree. She got me gifts too! Do I get her something? She is still the mother of my child. This is so hard.

[AJW]

niceguy,

I'm brand new here but have read through most of your story here and sympathize. My wife is mostly just a presence in the house but not actively trying at our marriage. She's been building relationships outside our marriage for some time and some of it just recently came to light. She seems to be staying for our daughter and because she's afraid of social stigma if she leaves. I've also stood my ground and said that if she leaves that's her choice but for our daughter this is our home and I expect her to be here where there's familiarity. My wife supposedly has not been dating/sleeping with the OM, but she works with him and I know they talk frequently through social media, etc. She's made our marriage issues public knowledge to all the single, immature work friends she has.

I'm devastated, but trying to work on this divorce busting stuff. So hard...

[GH31]

NiceGuy (please, for the love of whatever you hold sacred, change your user ID),

I am just getting started reading your posts but a few things are starting to jump out at me already:

We were together for 7 years before we finally got married. There were several times during that period where she was going to end the relationship but we always patched things up and moved on. We are very close and I consider her my best friend. In fact she is really my only true friend because everyone else seems to want someone from me.

What do these people "want" from you?

Do you give it to them?

There are parasites and predators of all shapes and sizes out there Brother. That's the reason why our bodies have evolved immune systems. You need to have similar emotional defences in place because the odds of you meeting another parasite in your life are about 100%.

Ultimately it's you who chooses to be their host or not. If you're the kind of man who would never stand for this, women (and your wife in particular) will be attracted to you.

I also had a partner who turned into a drug addict and for 7 years of the 12 years the business has been running, he was a drain on me physically, emotionally, and financially. My wife always told me to get him out but I never could.

Why didn't you?

He was my best friend at the time...

You wrote earlier that your wife is your best friend. Was this guy a better friend than your wife?

I kept giving him a second chance...thats the type of person I am.

How do you think this made your wife feel?

How secure emotionally do you think that made your wife feel?

I am guessing (the ladies reading this can tell me if I am wrong) that your wife took that as choosing this person over her. She could see he was a threat to your family, a financial and emotional parasite, and you didn't respect her point of view. You rode roughshod over it and probably scared her half to death.

I was so stressed out that my sex drive plummeted and I was in a constant state of anxiety and worry. I should have gotten some help at that point. I continued to think life is about to get better because this or that was about to happen at work. Amidst all of this, my wife has been neglected.

Here's your answer. I know you weren't to know this (most of we men are never told this) but neglect, emotional abandonment is probably the worst marital crime you can commit, from the perspective of a woman. I learned the hard way as well. I did exactly what my own Dad did in his marriage only, unlike my Mum, my wife had enough and took a stand. She left me.

Anyone actually recover and get their wife back?

Yes. I did.

Read my threads. I wrote my first one nearly five years ago in March 2008.

Do they ever come to their senses and realize they can actually work on their man and get us to be what they want?

Your thinking is all messed up here.

You are the only one who can change yourself. That is not your wife's responsibility and you should never, under any circumstances, give this task over to her.

Consider her point of view, absolutely. Make changes on both what you and her want - but don't give this responsibility to anyone else but you.

People don't change unless they change themselves.

Have you ever seen a smoker quit because their friends and family wanted them to?

Did your drug addict business partner stop using because you wanted him to and because you kept giving him second chances?

I think you need to undergo a change, starting at your very core, NiceGuy. Forgive me for being blunt and harsh with you but I think the very best things you could do would be to read the following books in addition to Divorce Remedy:

[edited by dbmod, reference not recommended nor allowed] THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships & Marriage by David Cunningham
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Workby John Gottman

You need to man up mate. How you do that, and what it entails, is somewhat deeper than what I can write here but it will start if you get these books, study them, and apply what's in there.

Denver did this, Starsky, Jack Three Beans did this and virtually every other man I've seen who won their wife back has done it - whether they actually realised they were doing it or not.

Hang in there son. If your Mrs. is still interacting with you then that is a good start. Keep doing what you're doing for now and the more pleasant interactions she has with you, the more interactions with you she will want.

There's more to this and I will write to you again soon.

best,

GH31

[SM34]

GH31 by all means don't be blunt with me. I am here to seek the help of people like yourself who successfully changed themselves enough to.where it was visible to their wives. Please do not hold back!

As far as my druggie partner, let me tell you it ended. All of a auden he.stopped showing up to work. One week later my parents came to stay with us from out of town. They stayed for a week, and all through that week I acting like nothing was happening. A week after they left (3 weeks of no.partner) I told my wife about what was going on and that I had pushed so far mentally that he has agreed to sell me his share of the business. Now this was an important change for me because other times he had done this to me I was an emotional wreck and went running to my wife for reassurance.but then didn't listen to her solutions. Wife told me how come you.didnt tel me? All that time your parents where here and you were going through this alone? I told her I thought it was time for me to be a man and do what is best for me and my family. I took my partner down! I dismantled.him.emotianally over 3 weeks into he couldn't take it anymore! She was SO proud of me! She say there beaming smile, and said doesn't it feel good to.get rid of someone like that? Now you own the business you worked.so.hard on your own to build. It was a turning point for us, and we went out and celebrated. That was seven months ago. Unfortunately this still did not fix my financial situation because it was summer which is slow season for my business. So my mental state improved, only to be squished.again when I realized it wasn't doing anything for our budget.

[SM34]

GH13 I mean PLEASE be blunt with me!!