Dude, you sound really good! That is awesome! Keep it going.
My only concern would be that you are still pretty wrapped up in what your W is doing, thinking, planning, etc. Try to let go of that. You can't control her so stop worrying about it. Be who you want to be....do the things you want to do. If she likes that person and eventually believes in your changes, an opportunity may arise.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
I still really struggle to understand the WAS and not wanting to work on M when the S is obviously wanting to and willing to change. I understand not being happy and feeling need to leave if no change but if S is truly interested in changing why not take a chance to see what could happen??? Especially if married for several years with kids. I'm guessing I'll likely never understand because I always feel like people deserve another chance.
I hear you and totally agree, but I see the other side of the coin as well. In your W's mind, she probably already thinks she's given you multiple chances to change, and told you repeatedly the things that were missing or making her unhappy in the M (and likely, she probably did....you just didn't take them seriously). Also, when WAS does drop the bomb, they've usually already mourned the M and accepted the fact that it is over so they're in a different state of mind than us. Add to that the fact that they don't believe our changes are real, and it's pretty easy to understand their position (at least what they say, and really, who believes anything they say!?)
Originally Posted By: Spartan
Planing to meet W and kids today at post office to get their passports for cruise. For whatever reason the last couple days I've been really doubting if cruise was a good idea. I'm afraid it will just lead to more hurt for me buts it's too late now because kids are super excited.
We just got back from ours last night. I'll post the update in my own thread, but I think it'll be awesome. There's certainly opportunity for you blow up your M and for it to create more hurt, but there's also a lot of opportunity for creating life long memories.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
She originally said we could go to show kids we can be friends even if divorcing. She's brought up the friends thing since then also.
Yeah, my W said something very similar when I said something about not necessarily wanting to book a vacation if I had to spend money on an attorney. I think it's just justification for them to do a little cake eating, but honestly, I was ok with this particular case.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
I think next time she mentions it I'm going to let her know that I do want to become friends with her again in the context of marriage but because of my feelings I doubt we could ever be friends if we get divorced. May even tell her best case will be a business relationship only with kids. Do you think this is a good idea?
I don't. I have had this discussion and frankly, it comes out looking like you are threatening to not have a good relationship with them if they D, and they think "what a selfish SOB....that isn't what's best for our kids." And honestly, I don't think you can say with certainty what your relationship will look like after you have put your hurt aside and healed. If you wanted to share that, I think it's reasonable, but I'd tread careful in that line of discussion.
I'm glad I sound good because I haven't been feeling that good. The letting go part is really hard, especially with us being in same house and having so many good family times recently. She's been acting like old times keeping things superficial and all small talk and doesn't seem to worry about D or family at all. I hope I'm wrong and she's just a really good actress I always thought she struggled with emotions and showing love but I believed she always loved me, lately I've been doubting that and my thoughts keep going to wondering if she ever really has. I hate when i start thinking I also have flu so can't really do anything besides be sick and think . She seems to care less I'm sick which also isn't helping. Only time she pays any interest is when I'm working on her stuff.
Looking forward to reading how your trip went. Hoping it went great because i need some hope.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Quick update since been away a few days. My sickness is gone and with it the 'feeling sorry for myself' attitude and all the doubt I expressed in last thread. My PMA is back and feeling pretty good. Going back to gym tomorrow which will be good since haven't been since Saturday.
W and I have been running mostly on neutral last few days with her initiating most of the small talk. I've been a little shorter in my responses with her talking more. I have been making her laugh a little more which is good. She ended up staying home Monday night (originally had plans) and got home earlier then normal from her group last night. Not sure it means anything but I thought it was odd.
Last 2 nights she's also been much more snuggly (is that a word?) while we sleep. We don't start snuggling, just light touching, but she moves within an hour. She yelled at me a few weeks ago for snuggling her so I make sure it's obvious that it's all her. I was laying there last night awake and she popped her head up and looked at clock then snuggled in closer so I know she's doing it on purpose. Not sure what to do with this so for now just going to play it cool. I so want to return it though.
She did get some new blood test results yesterday and it confirmed the last results with a few things being out of whack. She's not real good at internet searching so I spent some time looking things up for her and we spent about an hour doing that last night. I'm no doctor but it's pointing to a mold illness. She has an appointment with the doctor later today. Poor girl can't catch a break, whenever she starts feeling better something else pops up...
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I wasn't planning to address any of the W's presents for Christmas from me but somehow my D7 figured that out. I hated lying but since she doesn't know anything about D I told her I just forgot one and I had one for mom. I'm amazed how observant my D7 is with some things.
I had some brochures printed up to raise awareness for her disorder. She knew I was making them as part of this awareness campaign I'm helping her with, she just doesn't know I already have them. I think I'll throw those in a box along with some running compression socks she wanted since we're doing the half marathon. Maybe she'll see it as me continuing to finish something that she's interested in???
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
W's blood tests were what I figured they were and Dr. prescribed more supplements/ meds (up to 32 pills a day now ). I overheard a tiny bit of call and I thought it was interesting because W was asking questions about mold illness, if the test data correlated, and the type of meds to counteract it. It was same stuff that I told her about the night before from my web search. In past she blew off most my medical ideas since I'm an engineer and she's actually in medical field so I thought that was kind of interesting.
Other thing we did last night was the entire family got in car and went Christmas light looking. We've talked about doing it every year since I can remember and never have made it so I made it a priority this year. It was a lot of fun and a good family experience. Kids still were talking about some of the displays this AM.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Just letting out some frustration here so hopefully don't say anything to W tonight. She got stuck in bad case at work so I left work early (and didn't meet up with friends for a drink), I picked up both kids, got dinner ready, and kids ready to go D7 swim practice. W got home 15 minutes before we had to leave and I had her meal ready on table. She looked completely stressed out and rattled (still had mark on face from wearing scrub mask so I know she ran right out after case). I told her she could just chill out and enjoy some peace and quiet while I took kids but she said she wanted to go and would scarf down her meal. I got us there in time and rather then saying thanks or even being pleasant she's being a complete bit$& since we left house. I understand being tired but today I'm just not in mood for her BS. Hence why I'm writing this as she sits next to me. Praying I can get home, get kids to bed, and find some peace or a nice hiding place. She just looks really ready to fight and I'd be lying if I said a part of me doesn't want to let her know how I'm feeling about her attitude.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Is it a full moon or something? My W said she'd be home at 430 and we agreed to go to dinner with my B and his W at 530. No calls, no response to texts at 6 so B invited me for a drink while we waited. After drink, still no calls or response, so we decided to go eat. Half way thru dinner W calls and asks if I want her to come up and clearly she'd been drinking (was at a work party, so I get it). I was worried that she'd been there since 330 and been drinking so I said no, just head home. 45 mins later on my way home, I get a nasty call from her complaining that I didn't let her come up and she hadn't eaten, etc etc. She's cornered me no less than 3 times since I've been home complaining about it like it was my fault.
Honestly, I get the reaction a little, because normally I would have just canceled and then complained about her being late. We used to have fights like this all the time. Now, I figure, why should I miss out just because she can't be considerate.
At this point, I'm just ignoring her and enjoying myself watching some shows. I suggest you do the same
Found my center when we got home and no fight . Had a little fun screwing around with kids while getting them ready for bed and then cleaned up the house. I jumped on computer and started IMing work designers (they are in India) while working on W's website design. She came down and asked what I was doing and seemed pretty surprised I was doing her a favor with all the attitude she gave me. She took a shower, came downstairs and said goodnight, and went to bed.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Found my center when we got home and no fight . Had a little fun screwing around with kids while getting them ready for bed and then cleaned up the house. I jumped on computer and started IMing work designers (they are in India) while working on W's website design. She came down and asked what I was doing and seemed pretty surprised I was doing her a favor with all the attitude she gave me. She took a shower, came downstairs and said goodnight, and went to bed.
So my wife calls from work around 5:30 and says only has one more case so she'll be off by 7 and can meet us for dinner. I tell kids who get all excited because they weren't expecting to eat with her. One of her single friends (who I don't trust at all) calls me at 7 and says W is stuck in case for a little longer so go ahead and eat w/o her. I just got feeling on the call that something didn't seem right but could be in my head. Kids are pretty bummed out when I tell them. It's now 8:40 and kids have been asking non-stop about her for last hour and it's driving me crazy. When I was giving son a bath D called W's cell (on her own) which was turned off (no ring) and left a message. D7 also asked if I could take her to gymnastics tomorrow which is something W usually does.
I'm coming to grips with her disrespecting me and treating me like a pile of crap but when she disappoints kids and lets them down it really gets my blood boiling. Not even a simple text saying she was going out after work so at least they would stop asking. It's going to be hard for me to keep my mouth shut for a second night especially since kids are upset.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
. She seems to care less I'm sick which also isn't helping. Only time she pays any interest is when I'm working on her stuff. 
. Had a little fun screwing around with kids while getting them ready for bed and then cleaned up the house. I jumped on computer and started IMing work designers (they are in India) while working on W's website design. She came down and asked what I was doing and seemed pretty surprised I was doing her a favor with all the attitude she gave me. She took a shower, came downstairs and said goodnight, and went to bed.