Sorry..'don't believe', I meant to type in previous post.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
RLA - Sorry I haven't posted in a while but I have been watching your sitch and the recent changes. While I am a little down that it doesn't look like the M will work out I am happy about your new attitude. I'm glad you see that you are better then how he makes you feel and you realize you deserve happiness. I hope you continue on this path to happiness but take it slow. Continue to work on yourself and figure out who you are and what you want before any new R's. A friend of mine is dealing with another breakup because he jumped into dating quickly after his D because it made him feel good and all the same issues keep coming up and derailing him.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
H said that rather than changed MCs, he'd rather move out....I think he's driving that boat. All in all, I think these are the right things:
- standing up for what you believe - detaching - focusing on YOU - continue to work on your issues with IC
Honestly, you say you've been working on this for 6 months Regret, but I don't think you've really DB'd. You've pursued because you thought you were seeing positive results. You stay in the den because you're afraid to stand up to H. You've been entirely too wrapped up in H to this point and I really see this as your starting point.
I absolutely do not agree with running to OM3 or planning it, or anything related to it. While the flirting is ok, unless you figure your own issues out, you'll likely be attracted to the same negatives that drew you to your H and you'll end up in the same place. I understand the attraction, believe me, I had a similar encounter this week, but I don't think it's the right course of action.
Personally, I wouldn't give up on the M....but I do think you may have to feel like you are to get your head straight. Does that make sense?
From what I read, I see you finally breaking out of that shell. I see your strength. To steal a phrase from Ruby, make sure you use your newly found super powers for good.
Floyd - I totally get that Hot Guy probably was just looking for some action. It scares me a little that he sensed I would be open to it, wedding ring and all. I feel a lot of physical attraction between us (always have) but not much more than that. You shouldn't act on any of the women that are showing interest, that is, unless you want to. I see in your sitch that you really love your W and want her to come back to you; therefore I'm not sure it's a great idea to go out side the marriage.
Spartan - I agree with what you are saying, and I'm not ready to jump into another R. Don't want another R. I have been doing a lot of reading and thinking and deciding on the person that I want to be.
Breakdown - yours is the toughest here. I think that you're right, what I have been doing is not really DB, not LRT anyway. On the other hand, now I'm not sure I want to stay with H, and it's not just a defeatist position. I am having a hard time finding the positives here, and I've said it before - why would I want to be with someone who treats me so badly? And he *is* treating me really badly - consistently, I might add.
Reading a book now called "The Power of Empathy." It's kind of interesting because my H would always say I had no empathy, which is true to a degree. I was very wrapped up in my job and everyone else's needs came second. But I see now that he has none towards me, either. Just before going to sleep I came upon a part that described 4 ways couples fight. Two of the tactics, "exit" and "neglect", (one being "hot" and one being "cold") got employed regularly by my H. These were the two tactics that were the worst predictors of marital success.
All of this is to say that I don't see much hope for this M to succeed anymore. It's like I've opened my eyes to reality. He has done some bad sh!t and is not willing to even start to accept or own it. We are nowhere near on the same page - we are not even in the same book, the same room, the same house, the same town. He will not take accountability for anything he's done. I am sure he knows deep down that our MC is crap but still refuses to do anything about it.
Therefore... the time has come for me to live for me. That's DB, in a nutshell, right? It's easy for you to tell me not to look outside the marriage, but look where you are. You just went on a cruise with your W and you are getting many (if not most) of your needs met in your M. I, on the other hand, get treated like a second-class citizen in my own home. I am sorry, that is garbage, that is BS and I am done with it. This is the strength that I have. To move forward and to feel like it's the right decision. I'm not saying "don't look back." I'm just saying move forward vs continue to stand still.
I could take the MBR back, but honestly I do not want to be in the bed with him and at this point, I don't want to upset things before the holidays. If I put a deadline on it - I am coming back into the bedroom on X date - H will say I haven't changed. Which is true. So I am basically stuck in this situation and I think he knows he's put me in that position. Again, not fair and completely disrespectful. How many times have I heard in the last 6 months on this board that my H is not cool? My mother's boyfriend, who is 80+, told me, "Regretful, why would you want to be with someone so weak?"
So I see that my best option at this point is to walk away, at least for a while. I'm not running to get a D (like he was). I just need a break, I need perspective. I need to feel loved and appreciated, I am sorry Breakdown, but I do. I have for a long time, and I don't see the point in depriving myself for the sake of this M now that it's clear that H won't invest in it. I feel just like I did about my job. I tried. I did everything I could to salvage it, to make it work out. It wasn't my preference to leave. But it was killing me inside and I knew I didn't want to live like that anymore, that I couldn't live like that. I have to give up on it until I see something from him. I am sorry, I have to now. Life is just too short and I've suffered too long in this situation. No one should have to suffer the way I did in this M. I am done being a doormat for the sake of the M.
You think about your W for a second and your own behavior and I'm sure you don't blame her for walking (at least temporarily), now do you?
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Oh Regret, I am so sorry this is where you are and I hope you know that I'm on your side, and the things I say are only meant to make you think. Ultimately, you have to do what you think is best for you.
I am thrilled about the strength you've found and your new focus, but I also fear that you are looking at H as the cause of your unhappiness instead of looking in yourself.
Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
I am having a hard time finding the positives here, and I've said it before - why would I want to be with someone who treats me so badly? And he *is* treating me really badly - consistently, I might add.
I have mixed feelings here. On one hand, I think growing that backbone and refusing accept H's judgments or bad behavior is a good thing. I think it's what I've recommended from day 1. On the other, I think you largely define his bad behavior as not meeting your needs and I don't think that'll happen until things are moving in a positive direction.
It's been almost 2 years since BD for me, and that first year or more was really ugly. It was the worst behavior my W has ever shown me....never calling, coming home drunk, texting/calling OM constantly, lying, etc etc. And I was obsessed with it. I was constantly unhappy because of what she was doing. It wasn't until I realized that I was letting her control me and that I was ultimately responsible for my own happiness that it started to turn around. First, in me, and then shortly thereafter, I saw my W start responding to it.
Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
I feel just like I did about my job. I tried. I did everything I could to salvage it, to make it work out. It wasn't my preference to leave. But it was killing me inside and I knew I didn't want to live like that anymore, that I couldn't live like that. I have to give up on it until I see something from him.
My own view, I think you've spent too much time trying to fix the M and not enough time trying to fix YOU. You are still stomping up and down saying "H isn't going to change" when you really haven't dug thru your own issues completely. Ultimately, your M may not make it...but make sure YOU make it. Make sure you face your own demons so that you don't repeat the same mistakes.
Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
You think about your W for a second and your own behavior and I'm sure you don't blame her for walking (at least temporarily), now do you?
Ah, interesting question. No, I don't blame her. I was an @ss plain and simple and did not give her what she needed, nor deserved in so many ways. But do I think W was justified in seeking out other men? No. Do I think that she caused as much damage I as did? Yes. Do I think that I would have been justified in leaving after OM2? Absolutely.
The difference now is that if W wants to leave, I know it's not because of me....it'd be something in her. I've worked to be who I want, and I've shown her that, and she's seen it enough to know it's real. Something that is said over and over here, "become the person only a fool would leave." I think I'm getting pretty close to this, and so, as I said, I'm actually ok if W chooses to do so. So my question to you, how close are you to becoming that person?
You're right, I gotta control myself. I do love her but there is such hate and distain that comes from her to me. It is hard to take that abuse for so long. I really don't deserve it either yet I know what is driving it in her and it is not all me but it hurts anyway. It's been almost 8 months since we did it and usually we were 2-3x week at least...so this is a loooong time for me ... since I was a teenager. Going to dinner with one of these women tonight...I will draw the line...I think. W made me feel pretty crappy earlier today, yesterday, and well for several months and could give a rats *rse about me. She is prepping the kids about moving and talking to them about room color choices. They are not pleased with her about this and she does not see their angst. My D10 tells her "No, we are not moving!" and then asked her “Why are you and daddy not going to live together?" and W responds with feigned sympathy "I know how you feel", to which D10 snaps back at her "No you don't! How could you know???!!!". W shut down and said nothing more and went to bed. I missed this conversation but D14 told me about it. She sees how her mother is with her sister so she’s afraid to speak up herself she says.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Breakdown, I just have to disagree with you on a few of these points.
First of all, I appreciate the time you're spending with me and I know it's intended to help and make me think.
Secondly, I am just starting down my own "self improvement" road at this point. So no, I'm not the spouse that someone would be crazy to leave - yet. But I'm starting to understand what I want that to look like, and I'm making my plans to get there.
So - back to the matter of my H, my M... The truth is, he's not going to change, and the truth is, I don't think the way he is is acceptable to me. I know it's not. This is not the M that I want. It hasn't been that way for a long time.
Is my H the cause of my unhappiness? No. But my current sitch isn't making me happy either. I don't have my own space for one thing, and that's being imposed by him. So I'm doing the best I can to find happiness given my current limitations. GAL, friends, dogs, kids, books, etc. And I'm doing my best to do that.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Just to be clear, I'm not suggesting you stop the separation, or him moving out. Honestly, it might be necessary for you both to heal and grow at this point. I'm only suggesting that you not give up completely on the M yet. Let things play out, work on you, and then see where things go.
Yes, Breakdown. I get you. I'm not giving up completely. But we do need a break for each other, and I think I want to see other people as part of that. I honestly think I have to kind of go through that experience or these OM issues are going to continue to pop up.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
...and I think I want to see other people as part of that. I honestly think I have to kind of go through that experience or these OM issues are going to continue to pop up.
That's really what worries me. I'm no expert, but everything I've read strongly recommends you figure yourself out first, put your M to rest, and then consider dating. I realize most of us don't do it that way, but I also realize that the D rate for 2nd marriages is 70%. Just be careful, whatever you decide.
