My wife wants to separate

[GH31]

NiceGuy (please, for the love of whatever you hold sacred, change your user ID),

I am just getting started reading your posts but a few things are starting to jump out at me already:

We were together for 7 years before we finally got married. There were several times during that period where she was going to end the relationship but we always patched things up and moved on. We are very close and I consider her my best friend. In fact she is really my only true friend because everyone else seems to want someone from me.

What do these people "want" from you?

Do you give it to them?

There are parasites and predators of all shapes and sizes out there Brother. That's the reason why our bodies have evolved immune systems. You need to have similar emotional defences in place because the odds of you meeting another parasite in your life are about 100%.

Ultimately it's you who chooses to be their host or not. If you're the kind of man who would never stand for this, women (and your wife in particular) will be attracted to you.

I also had a partner who turned into a drug addict and for 7 years of the 12 years the business has been running, he was a drain on me physically, emotionally, and financially. My wife always told me to get him out but I never could.

Why didn't you?

He was my best friend at the time...

You wrote earlier that your wife is your best friend. Was this guy a better friend than your wife?

I kept giving him a second chance...thats the type of person I am.

How do you think this made your wife feel?

How secure emotionally do you think that made your wife feel?

I am guessing (the ladies reading this can tell me if I am wrong) that your wife took that as choosing this person over her. She could see he was a threat to your family, a financial and emotional parasite, and you didn't respect her point of view. You rode roughshod over it and probably scared her half to death.

I was so stressed out that my sex drive plummeted and I was in a constant state of anxiety and worry. I should have gotten some help at that point. I continued to think life is about to get better because this or that was about to happen at work. Amidst all of this, my wife has been neglected.

Here's your answer. I know you weren't to know this (most of we men are never told this) but neglect, emotional abandonment is probably the worst marital crime you can commit, from the perspective of a woman. I learned the hard way as well. I did exactly what my own Dad did in his marriage only, unlike my Mum, my wife had enough and took a stand. She left me.

Anyone actually recover and get their wife back?

Yes. I did.

Read my threads. I wrote my first one nearly five years ago in March 2008.

Do they ever come to their senses and realize they can actually work on their man and get us to be what they want?

Your thinking is all messed up here.

You are the only one who can change yourself. That is not your wife's responsibility and you should never, under any circumstances, give this task over to her.

Consider her point of view, absolutely. Make changes on both what you and her want - but don't give this responsibility to anyone else but you.

People don't change unless they change themselves.

Have you ever seen a smoker quit because their friends and family wanted them to?

Did your drug addict business partner stop using because you wanted him to and because you kept giving him second chances?

I think you need to undergo a change, starting at your very core, NiceGuy. Forgive me for being blunt and harsh with you but I think the very best things you could do would be to read the following books in addition to Divorce Remedy:

[edited by dbmod, reference not recommended nor allowed] THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships & Marriage by David Cunningham
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Workby John Gottman

You need to man up mate. How you do that, and what it entails, is somewhat deeper than what I can write here but it will start if you get these books, study them, and apply what's in there.

Denver did this, Starsky, Jack Three Beans did this and virtually every other man I've seen who won their wife back has done it - whether they actually realised they were doing it or not.

Hang in there son. If your Mrs. is still interacting with you then that is a good start. Keep doing what you're doing for now and the more pleasant interactions she has with you, the more interactions with you she will want.

There's more to this and I will write to you again soon.

best,

GH31