The green green grass of home. (Part 2 )

[Soul.Searching]

Feeling really down tonight. I'm struggling with my reasons on why I'm not completely closing the door. I loved my H, I still do although I'm not sure why these days. I still love him but I don't like him much.

I'm not sure if fear plays a part. Fear of not knowing if I will ever love like that again. I thought we were forever. At times I'm so sure he still loves me.

I feel like its going against everything I believe in to leave the door open.
He has lied, cheated and generally thrown me away.
I don't understand why I have the door open at all.
I don't deserve to be treated like this. I could never do that to him.
His disrespected me in the worst possible ways.

I don't want a part time husband and with his job he can be gone for over half of every year. His selfish, I don't want a selfish husband.
I don't know if I could ever trust him again.
So why am I still standing?

To be honest, a little after BD if I couldn't have H, then I wanted somebody, I wanted that closeness. I'm slowly growing to be okay on my own.
I know I'm going to be single for quite some time.

It hurts, that I Hurt so much over someone who had treated me like this.
It hurts that he has gone against all of my most valued morals and yet I'm still here, standing, all alone. Standing through all of the rain and thunderstorms, through all of the sunshine and sun showers. Standing for something that goes against my core values.

I'm tired. I'm just so so tired.